The Twins recap Married at First Sight: Gab just won this whole goddamn show.

March 4, 2018

Video by MWN

Excuse us, but this show has been going on for infinity now and there is something we need to say.

It is frankly unbelievable how hard Carly and Justin manage to make relationships look. Nothing should ever be this hard.

Given they are both perpetually astounded by their lack of chemistry, and Carly cried uncontrollably when Justin tried to hold her hand, they’ve decided that the only reasonable course of action was for them to have sex.

Note: that was not a reasonable course of action.

Even after doing the sex they remain indifferent to each other and when will this end.

Speaking of things needing to end, Troy is straightening Ashley’s hair and she is angry because he burned her scalp which we all could have predicted would happen. Her hair has kinks and it is precisely all Troy’s fault.

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But tbh, the only reason any of us are here tonight is because Nasser is possessed by a demon and it's a plot we did not see coming.

You see, Nasser isn't just any ol' demon. He's a naughty demon. A demon who likes to start shit.

Nasser and Gab are preparing for the commitment ceremony and as everyone knows, demons hate commitment ceremonies, because they have to talk about their feelings. It's also hard for this demon to pretend to be Nasser when he has no idea who that is, apart from the brief encounter they had when he possessed him.

Demon Nasser knows the experts will be disappointed in him for not staying in Gab's rental property, but a) who is Gab, b) what is this show, and c) these people should have more sympathy for Nasser considering there were literally ghosts pushing beds around and a demon taking over his soul.

Everyone is debriefing about whether or not they'll stay with their partner for another week, and Patrick is having somewhat of an intervention with Troy.

You see, Troy has decided it's best if he moves to the Gold Coast to live with Ashley and her sister which was never discussed with anyone except maybe the dolphin he met at Sea World. "Calm down you're scaring the shit out of her," Patrick says, which is better advice than anything offered by the experts thus far.

SHHH PLS IT'S THE COMMITMENT CEREMONY EVERYONE HUSH.

Turns out John Aiken has spent far more time on his hair than he has on counselling anyone and that's okay because his hair is very... spiky.

First up are Dean and Tracey and WHY is Dean dressed like he's going to the petrol station at 11pm at night. Mate, pls, Telv is in a tux (again). Have some respect.

We want them to confess to the experts that they forced their rapping hobby upon all the couples at the dinner and then get in trouble for being the worst but they conveniently leave out that detail.

Let's be real, Tracey and Dean's relationship has become increasingly boring since Davina left and we all feel ashamed about that.

Anywho, they both stay and we feel nothing.

Gab is our feminist hero and we need to talk about it. We debrief, on our recap podcast.

Next up is John on his own because Mel is busy becoming a grandma again.

He says, "We're not like the young kids who come up here and are like bom bom bom," and wut. But also, ha, so true.

John decides to stay and claims that Mel has decided to stay too, so shows the experts his text messages as evidence.

And, no.

His texts are so absurdly enlarged that only one message fits the screen JUST LIKE OUR DAD and he uses words like 'missy' which we like very much.

We need to talk about John's phone. And also the fact that it's apparently 3:48pm.

Oh.

It's Troy.

He is telling the experts how much he loved the homestay, mostly because of Dolphin - the friend he made.

But the experts are more concerned about his relationship with Ashley, who is recoiling from him in the corner of the couch like always.

They ask Ashley how she feels and Troy answers because he thinks his answer would be much better, but then he gets in trouble from John Aiken, who has had it up to HERE with Troy's shit.

Ashley feels little towards her fake husband and says she's fine to kiss him but doesn't want to see his willy. The experts understand.

Troy then starts yelling that he knows how to act around girls (eat tuna for breakfast and mix it in with toothpaste) and what to say (your mother is beautiful/we have a great connection) and usually that works wonders.

We... we don't believe you.

He says he is used to girls 'jumping him' and everyone in the room has a good laugh, including the camera crew, and they move on without even acknowledging his silly comment.

Ashley says on her wedding night she was expecting Troy to want to be intimate, but instead he turned his back on her and went to sleep. This is easily the most Troy thing that has ever happened, and we like it very much.

For no reason whatsoever, they both choose to stay, and no good can come of any future where these two humans need to coexist. Only murder.

GOODNESS it's Justin and Carly and they're obviously going to tell the experts they had penis in vagina sexual intercourse because that's not degrading at all. Expert Mel starts talking about how Carly expressed a need for affection last week and oh Jesus Christ.

Justin starts pashing her out of nowhere and it's so gross and she doesn't want it and no one wants it why is it still happening the experts don't know where to look and we don't know where to look and Carly has never been so uncomfortable not even when Justin was holding her hand in a public place.

Even though Justin randomly went hypersexual on the couch in front of nine other couples who didn't... want it, he says having sex hasn't changed his feelings towards Carly and there's still no spark.

But obviously, they both choose to stay. Because healthy relationships are built on having sex you don't want to have, and feeling weird about it later.

Apparently there's some tension in Charlene and Patrick's relationship, but pause. You can't just not show us any of the drama between a couple and then expect us to be randomly invested. The producers need to admit that they a) spent too much time on Troy and the dolphin during the home visits, and b) there's now a serious lack of context when it comes to every other couple.

STOP IT'S GAB AND NASSER AND SHE'S GOING TO CALL HIM DONALD DUCK SHHHH.

Nasser explains to the experts that Gab's apartment was haunted and it's very important everyone believes him because a demon has stolen his soul and is occupying his body. He repeats the details which we already know because we've obviously been invested in this ghost story from the beginning. Yes, the bed collapsed, then the single bed flew across the room, then the door randomly opened at 3.30am. We know.

Gab says she felt abandoned when Nasser left, which while justified, doesn't really take into account that he was possessed... but okay.

Then... then Nasser goes full demon.

Listen to the full episode of our Married at First Sight recap podcast. Post continues.

~~Demon~~ Nasser says he is used to putting himself first and he operates in a Nasser world and NO ONE NEEDS TO WORRY ABOUT HIM HE ATTRACTS LOTS OF WOMEN.

John Aiken reminds him, "but you're 50 and you're still single" which feels low but is also... a semi-true fact.

He says he wants to leave, and everyone expects Gab to leave because she's now fake married to a demon, etc.

BUT she's not giving up, pls. Gab chooses to stay because she decides Nasser has to make her feel like this was not a monumental waste of her time.

"No one directs me and tells me how it's going to be," she says. "I am not a doormat."

GURL.

Until tomorrow night.

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