'Why I joined a show that marries people who've never met before.'

Psychologist and social commentator Sabina Read says she expected the online furor that surrounded the first episode of Married at First Sight, the controversial Nine reality show where couples are matched by experts and meet for the first time on their wedding day.

The response has gone something like this:

Sabina initially turned down the offer to be part of the show. She then changed her mind. This is why:

We are hardwired to love, be loved and belong. These universal needs transcend culture, sexual orientation, age, socio-economic status, gender, and often even our own consciousness. We may strive to learn new skills and develop mastery, build rewarding career paths, acquire material goods, and find novel and exciting activities to push our minds and bodies - but at are our very core, we seek connection.

Many people choose to formalise the bond with a significant other in marriage. For others, they are equally content to declare their love more privately, with no marriage certificate, instead opting to live together, or apart, as committed partners.

In a perfect world, those who desire it would find meaningful, fulfilling and committed relationships, and be able to express and formalise their love in a manner of their choice; and in a perfect world, that choice would be accepted by others. All consenting adults should have the right to choose how they commit without the judgement or discrimination of others.

Watch the video below to see how Married at First Sight works. Post continues after video.

However, ours is not a perfect world, and beyond these complex issues lies the fact that while many people seek love and commitment, for a host of reasons, they struggle to find or maintain long-term mutually satisfying relationships.

When I was initially asked to be an expert on Married at First Sight, I said no. I was cautious of the significant impact the process would have on the individuals involved, and I was well aware the concept would attract wide-spread controversy.

But after watching back-to-back DVDs of the Danish series, where the show’s concept originated, I was fascinated. Could the series help create dialogue about relationships, marriage, and divorce? Could the program be a catalyst for exploring another way that people could connect without the “meeting, courting, and falling in love dance” that is largely accepted in modern Western cultures as the norm?

When the producers confirmed that, unlike overseas versions of Married at First Sight, the Australian series would not involve legally binding marriages, and that the overall process would be transparent to the individuals involved, I signed up. I was curious and hopeful that the initial shock factor of the arranged marriage premise would ease to create conversation, and for those who choose to watch the show, may even contribute to some degree of self-reflection about the often undiscussed expectations, patterns and vulnerabilities we all bring to relationships.

As a psychologist, it is an honour to share the lives of people who trust me with their deepest wounds and internal thoughts. I consider it a privilege to work alongside people as they navigate the twists and turns that life brings. It’s a shame that most people tend to seek counselling only when they are in pain and stuck, although the rise of positivepsychology is helping us to appreciate the benefits of focusing on our strengths to thrive, rather than just trying to “fix” what we perceive is broken.

Nonetheless, the average couple struggling to connect wait 6 years before they seek professional help. By that time, one or both partners often feel hurt, disappointed, lonely, helpless, and hopeless. The average marriage lasts 12 years, suggesting many people spend a meaningful chunk of married life with room for significant improvement.

Perhaps one reason we struggle in marriage and committed relationships is because our expectations and preparation are respectively out of whack and undercooked. In Australian culture, it’s fairly typical to meet a potential mate over a few drinks, while working or studying or perhaps through mutual friends (a growing number meet online too).

When we experience that initial high of burning attraction, no-one and nothing else matters. Birds chip louder, the sun shines brighter and every love song on the radio feels like it was written for you and your honey. In time, this love-struck euphoria may give way to the comfort of knowing another and having another know you, which for many people leads to a more formal commitment or marriage, and for a significant proportion, also results in the choice to have children.

However, over time, it is typical for people and relationships to change. Conflict may become a more frequent visitor, and all too often we are unsure how to ask for our needs to be met so we resort to unhelpful behaviours life attacking, criticising, stonewalling or withdrawing. Between 20-40 per cent of partners engage in emotional and physical affairs seeking intimacy, understanding or connection outside the relationship. In 2013, 118,962 couples formalised their relationships in marriage, and 47,638 couples got divorced.

Together, the stats and my professional expertise have led me to wonder if the relatively modern practice of falling in love and marrying is the optimum way to satiate our need for long-term connection and love.

What would it be like if we were more mindful about the ingredients we put into a relationship?

How can we realistically prepare and prime our minds and our hearts for long-term commitment, knowing we all bring helpful and unhelpful beliefs and patterns of behaviour, often founded on templates from our earlier years and family-of-origin experiences?

I don’t have the answers, but I am open to asking the questions. There’s no shying away from the fact that television is not real life. Content is typically an edited product designed to create entertainment and ratings.

Can a six-episode series truly explore the complexities and multifarious layers of human behaviour associated with relationships while also addressing the notion of an arranged marriage as one possible strategy in the quest for relationship satisfaction? Not likely!

Can such a series create conversation and get us talking and thinking about our most primal need, while also inviting us to think about love, commitment and marriage in potentially different ways? Yes indeed, and a quick look at the recent, passionate, heart-felt, and diverse commentary in traditional and social media suggests that perhaps it already has.

Click through the gallery below for images from the first episode of Married at First Sight.