Mamamia recaps MAFS: I feel like I just got scammed.

Episode three arrives with two new weddings — Bec and Danny, Chris and Brook — but first, we check in on our already-married couples.

Gia and Scott wake up like cats that got the cream, their initial chemistry more than intact after night one. Gia seems noticeably calmer, which is a relief after last week's heightened chaos. Scott, on the other hand, is so blissed out he can barely string a sentence together.

"I feel alive!" he announces, vibrating with joy. The implication seems obvious — but Gia denies any intimacy. "We both want to wait," she says. Which is very healthy and I support it.

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Meanwhile, despite very sensibly sleeping in separate beds after their wedding day disaster, Farmer Luke and Stone Cold Mel emerge the next morning surprisingly upbeat.

Mel's had a vibe shift — perhaps the restorative powers of a good night's sleep — and even manages a glimmer of optimism. It evaporates instantly, however, when their honeymoon destination is revealed: South Australia. Mel is disappointed because it's "close to Antarctica". Poor Luke seems fine with it, until Mel makes it clear that the situation is totally unacceptable and his face drops. "Bummer," he says — and never was a truer word spoken.

Elsewhere, David and Alissa make the most of Mount Buller, giggling like sugar-rushed children in a winter wonderland, while in Mudgee, poor sweet Steve is struck down with the runs — a predicament made infinitely worse by a bathroom with no door. As he desperately strategies how to poo without traumatising Rachel, I can't help but sweat — because who among us has not performed advanced logistical gymnastics around bowel movements in the early days of dating? This is sacred and highly dangerous territory. I cannot relax until I know how he survives.

Image: Nine.

While we wait for answers, let's meet Bec and Danny.

In episode one, Bec was presented as bubbly, outspoken, and a bit "wild" — whatever that means — while Danny was teased as a bit of a himbo. As we see them in more depth, we learn that London-born Danny is a chirpy real estate agent who enjoys boxing, self-depreciation and beers with the lads. Bec is a smart but sensitive account manager with a Greek dad and an English mum. Around her family, she appears grounded, secure, and well-supported; Danny's relationship with his parents also looks solid. I particularly like his mum, who receives news of his televised wedding over Zoom with adorable confusion. "Is she pregnant?" she asks of the bride-to-be, before remembering the show's premise.

Both come off sincere in interviews, too. Bec speaks candidly about ending a previous engagement because, although the man was lovely, he wasn't "her person." She also emphasises banter as non-negotiable. "Paying each other out," she says. "I love that." Meanwhile, Danny gives the best answer we've heard yet when asked what he wants in a partner: men have no idea what they want — they just know when they've found it.

So, yes, Bec has some deep insecurities (especially around her appearance). And yes, Danny seems oddly attached to the 1930s, as evidenced by his brown retro suit and mild obsession with Bonnie and Clyde. But even when one of the groomsmen turns out to be Channing Tatum – or rather, a stripper tribute version of him – I'm not overly concerned. So far, so normal.

At first, the wedding itself seems refreshingly drama-free. No feral friends or hostile parents. No drunk uncle. Just nice people in nice clothes in a nice room. The bride and groom seem to like the look of one another and there's even a bit of hilarity. The bridesmaids clock Temu Channing instantly – "that stripper who makes loads of money" – as does Bec when she reaches the altar. Immediately, she accuses him of sleeping with her friend. Temu Channing looks sheepish. "I heard you didn't ring her after," she adds, and Temu Channing approvingly labels her "feisty".

Requisite banter established.

Image: Nine.

The vows also start strong. Bec's are sweet — she's written a poem. Danny's are mostly fine too — until he makes an odd joke about wanting a Bonnie-and-Clyde-style partnership. "If I ever get locked up in prison," he says, "I'd like you to bail me out." And look, it's a bit weird but essentially harmless — just a slightly clumsy nod to the idea of a ride-or-die.

But it does something to Bec. All of a sudden, she shuts down. In her cutaway interview, she's furious. "I've given up everything and you're talking about getting arrested in your vows? F*ck that," she fumes. Banter, apparently, is a one-way street.

Spiralling hard, she links Danny to his stripper friend's behaviour and decides he's a dog. It's a bit of a leap — I mean, stripper mates and jail jokes might not be her ideal, but they don't automatically signal infidelity or crime. Still, for reasons that feel deeper than what we're being shown, Bec has decided she's out.

During the photos, she lets him feel it. A vomiting face at the mention of his rescue cat. Mean laughter at his carefully chosen brooch. Then a direct interrogation: "What do you do on weekends, mate?" Blindsided, Danny falters but keeps his cool. "She's got her guard up, which is fair enough. Maybe she's been hurt before." He then expresses a willingness to earn her trust, and reassures her when she squirms under the photographer's lens. "Come on babe, you look unbelievable."

At this, Bec flips again. "I feel like he would make me feel safe," she says. "I shouldn't have cried like a little baby." She calls herself an arsehole and worries he won't like her. And there it is again: yet another woman turns herself inside out over whether or not she's good enough for a man she barely knows. Everybody take a drink.

Later, they talk it through. She apologises. "So you're happy?" she asks. "Can I kiss you?" Danny stares into her eyes, says all the right things. They have a pash. The attraction, he insists, is strong. And, despite one last dig at his crown brooch ("It makes me feel ill," Bec says, just as he gifts it to her), things settle down.

The next morning, Bec is all in with both feet. "No intimacy," she tells the producers — then adds in a naughty whisper: "But he's packing." They're rewarded with the season's only proper honeymoon: Fiji.

Night one delivers.

"I saw Daniel's Danaconda," Bec says wolfishly in an aside to camera. "It did not disappoint." As the footage captures them lying in bed, she's even more effusive. "Sensational all round. Great shower, great sleep, great shag. A-plus."

Danny, on the other hand, barely speaks.

"I'm gonna have a dip," he mutters, rolling out of bed for an ocean swim. "Dip your wick," Bec smirks. His sigh says everything.

Apparently, whatever attraction he felt on their wedding day has disappeared like smoke on the wind. "It's just not there," Danny says of the sexual chemistry, standing shirtless and emotionally distant on the beach — a far cry from dapper wedding-day Clyde. He is barely recognisable, and I feel personally scammed.

The aftermath is hard to watch. Even though Danny says he still wants to give the experiment a "red hot crack" his sparkle has evaporated. Bec senses the rejection instantly and pivots. "I know we get along," she says, "but I don't know if we can go from being mates to actually being lovers." Dead-eyed, Danny agrees then takes himself off for another dip.

Left alone, Bec crumbles. "I feel ugly," she says, apologising to no one in particular. It's excruciating — and painfully familiar, a tale as old as time. If the experts don't call this dynamic out for what it is, I will flip furniture.

Image: Nine.

At this point we're still in the dark as to how Steve will manage the poo crisis, so let's move onto our second couple, Chris and Brook.

As you'll remember, Chris is currently our prime villain candidate. The experts call him sceptical with "no filter"; I might use stronger words than that, but I'll let his behaviour speak for itself. He claims to be good at everything (or rather, he won't do anything he's not good at). Turnoffs include fake tan, neediness and fat people. And he has no female friends. "People either love me or hate me," he says, employing the universal catchphrase of the insecure. His one redeeming feature is that he admits he doesn't know how to talk to or be around women.

His lucky lady is Brook, a stunning model who isn't afforded much screen time except to say that she's been cheated on multiple times. She is given the same editorial coding though: she holds babies! Spends time in the kitchen! Enjoys make-up and high heels! This woman is officially 'Likable'.

Their wedding is rainy and tense. Brook arrives looking incredible — and taller than Chris, which she immediately addresses.

Image: Nine.

"Where are the inches?" she asks, looking him up and down. Ouch. Chris visibly shrinks in response, delivering defensive, neggy vows without eye contact. Brook, meanwhile, is breezy and grounded. "If he's attracted to me, he is. If he isn't, that's not really my problem." I love her already.

Her subsequent refusal to seal the ceremony with a hug instead of a kiss is met with horror, but I think it's perfection — especially as it triggers what is surely the highlight of the episode, Chris's paper-thin performance as The Man Who Doesn't Care. But in a private producer chat, the mask slips.

"At least kiss me on the wedding stand," he grumbles. "I'm not hanging around two months just to get my first kiss." Then he implies that she's probably kissed loads of blokes, the tart. And in that moment, it's clear – Chris is no villain. He's a very frightened little boy.

As if offering proof, he threatens to push Brook into the pool during the photos, then complains about the cold. "Suck it up, sweetheart," she replies, effortlessly cool. I swoon.

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She then nails the reception, charming her in-laws while their son teeters on the edge of a panic attack. Eventually, Chris reluctantly admits he's satisfied with the match. Brook says she'll remain open. And, frankly, that's a win.

Before we wrap up, we pop back to Townsville to check in on Gia and Scott who seem happy despite broadcasting some pretty sketchy messaging around consent. "That looked nice so I had to touch it," growls Scott after delivering an unsolicited whack to Gia's butt. "You're allowed," she replies, "you're my husband."

And okay, you do you, but let's be clear — not even legal marital vows give a bloke the right to touch what he wants whenever he wants.

The ick continues when Scott appears to confuse their workout with a porno. "Push your arse out," he growls as she rides an elliptical. "Looks good." He then grunts and snarls his way through a few weight reps, his eyes never leaving her body. "It's getting harder to put off sex," she says later, and it all feels a bit... yuck.

As the credits roll, I'm left feeling eager to watch Brook run more rings around Chris but deeply worried about Bec — and still, maddeningly, uninformed about whether or not Steve has managed to poo.

Fingers crossed for answers in episode four. I'm off for a lie-down.

Keen for more? Read the rest of Anna's Married At First Sight recaps here:

Episode One: A Christian rapper, a boat doctor and our first villain.

Episode Two: "I wasn't even there and I'm uncomfortable."

Feature Image: Channel Nine.