Mamamia recaps MAFS: I wasn't even there and I'm uncomfortable.

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Our second episode opens with David and Alissa living the dream, the agonising altar standoff apparently forgotten as they snuggle happily in bed.

"Just cuddles," says Alissa of their wedding night, her energy surprisingly chill. "He's a gentle soul." MC E-Commerce seems equally smitten. "I never expected a relationship with a stranger to feel so easy," he says.

And they really do seem comfortable with each other — almost wholesomely so — which means I find myself rooting for them as they receive their honeymoon orders. Where will it be? Fiji? The Maldives? Absolutely not. The purse strings are clearly tight at Nine this year, because they're off to… Mount Buller.

Meanwhile, Steve and Rachel debrief in their jammies, and they're so goofy I can barely cope. They're heading to Mudgee, and Rachel is thrilled beyond belief — though at this point she's so sold on the marriage that a day wandering the local Westfield probably would've elicited the same euphoria. They call each other "m'lady" and "kind sir," and it's so sweet I don't know what to do with myself.

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Next, we meet a new groom: Farmer Luke, who seems nice enough. An only child, he recently lost his dad to cancer and now runs the family farm. He's looking for a soft, sweet, girly-girl — presumably someone who won't rock the boat too hard. Enter straight-laced public servant Mel, whose primary passions appear to be traditional gender roles and the colour pink.

"I want someone who will always fix the lightbulb," she says, skipping between trees. She talks about fairytales and rom-coms and seems mainly concerned with finding someone to carry her groceries. She's a "brunette Barbie" looking for "her Ken." I'm already bored and looking for her sense of humour.

Their wedding is suitably bland. Following a madcap skirmish in which Luke forgets the rings — gasp! — and has to go home to retrieve them —bigger gasp! — Mel arrives first and is made to stand alone at the altar. It's dramatic but unnecessary. The producers could easily have given her a heads-up, poured her a champagne, and parked her somewhere comfortable. But this is MAFS, so instead she walks the aisle solo, Luke is thrown under the bus, and we all wait for the sparks to fly.

But they don't. At all.

Mel is silent and stony. Everyone else is mortified. We proceed with the vows, hers heavy on blue boys and pink girls and her need for someone to carry her bags. Luke chews gum throughout like an idiot, which does him no favours. To his credit, his vows tick every box on Mel's wishlist: he can handle spiders, fix all the things she will inevitably break, and watch rom-coms. But she's already checked out.

He was late. He chews gum. None of it is forgivable.

She doesn't feel "pink" or like Meg Ryan getting mail. Instead, she feels sick. I think she might actually hate him. I'm scared.

Image: Nine.

Our next couple is Scott and Gia. Having already been force-fed her supposed Villain edit in episode one, Gia returns as the designated Bad Girl.

Scott is positioned as her male equivalent: a buff finance bro who sells jet skis, drives sports cars, and upsets old ladies. Unlike Gia, however, he's also labelled one of the show's "most hardworking and ambitious grooms to date." Um, okay.

A clean-living workaholic with a rigid routine, Scott wants a lasting marriage with a "hot girl" who "looks after herself." And sex. Lots of sex. Conveniently, Gia also wants sex — preferably the "exploratory" kind. "I don't want vanilla," she says. "I know my worth." Spoken like a true baddie.

But wait — the producers rush in with some well-timed feminine coding. Gia works in disability support! She's a mum! She cries! And suddenly her cosmetic enhancements are reframed as the result of childhood bullying — teased for being ugly and flat-chested — because without a trauma backstory, how else are we meant to humanise women who choose to get work done?

"I want my man to love me for me," Gia says, though it's unclear whether she fully knows who that is yet.

The undisputed highlight of the episode arrives when Gia's mates Brooke and Will turn up for pre-game support as if they're heading to the club at 1am. Crashing into her house like hungry possums, they demolish the champagne before storming through the rooms screaming Gia's name like they're about to murder her. Their level-10 party energy does not go down well.

Gia asks them to chill. They do not. "Baaaaaabe," they yell. "Don't be a bridezillaaaa." Gia tells them to f**k off. Will calls her a drama queen. Within seconds, he's downstairs throwing the mother of all tantrums. "Hellooooo," he screams, pacing the living room.

"You're not Mariah Carey. SHUT UP!" Brooke, having apparently forgotten Gia exists, flaps nearby, trying to help. "Can I get you a cheeseburger?" she asks. "No," snaps Will. "I'm on a diet." Suddenly, the entire show belongs to these two, and I am obsessed. More of this, please.

Image: Nine.

Back to Mel and Luke, now standing beside a bland lake for bland photos. They attempt a bland debrief, but Mel appears to have left her body and Luke has no idea what to do. "I hate this," she says, staring directly into his eyes. The rest is crickets.

I wasn't even there and I'm uncomfortable.

Elsewhere, Gia and Will have executed a U-turn and are suddenly howling in each other's arms, sobbing with joy over their friendship. "Sorryyyyy," Will says, kneeling beside her. "You slut. You bitch. I love you." Gia weeps, all is forgiven, and everyone gets hammered in the limo.

But on arrival at the ceremony, there's another speed bump: Gia is getting married on a beach. "I'm having a goddamn SAND wedding with my $1500 SHOES?" she wails. Once again, Will demonstrates his Grade A support. "I don't know what to tell you," he says. "Bye, babe."

At the altar, things improve. Gia is hot for Scott. Scott is hot for Gia. Despite Gia's slightly bizarre vows – in which she describes herself as "plastic" and "unhinged" – both families seem pleased. Even Scott's parents, who look faintly royal, are delighted about the spice that Gia will bring to their 'boring' son's life. "She looks like a very exciting person," says Mum, with a gleam in her eye. Dad agrees, grinning widely.

"You know what big hands mean," leers Will when Scott's ring doesn't fit. At least everyone's expectations are clear.

Back with Mel and Luke, nothing has changed. Her silence is painful. She barely moves. She's either fully transitioned into a statue or she's having a stroke, I'm not sure which. Eventually, she summons the motivation to drag him outside for another bland chat by a bland fire about his terrible lateness and the awful gum-chewing that has TAINTED HER WHOLE EXPERIENCE and over which she's likely to lose sleep.

Luke apologises for the eleventh time, and I miss what happens next because I've nodded off.

Image: Nine.

The episode closes with Gia panicking about telling Scott she has a child. "He might see it as a red flag and write me off," she worries, as though this would be a reasonable response. Terrified someone will expose her "secret," she's first appalled, then relieved when Will continues his streak of excellence and almost-but-not-quite outs her at the top table. Unfortunately, drunk Uncle John has already spilled the beans to her in-laws.

"Who the hell told them I had a kid?" Gia asks, dead-eyeing her mother. Thankfully, Scott's mum gleefully rats Uncle John out at record speed and the poor man is ushered away for a tearful reprimand. They make up, but now Gia is doubly afraid.

"Do you think he likes me enough to accept it?" Gia asks, as though she's hiding syphilis instead of a daughter.

The answer is revealed when Gia finally pulls Scott aside and confesses all. According to him, a lot of guys would consider children a dealbreaker — but hallelujah, he's fine with it. "I love the kids," he adds, and Gia is SHOOK. A man who accepts her for who she is, dirty little single mum secrets and all? Who IS this unicorn??

And that's where I have to stop, because what in the nineties is going on here? It's only episode two and already the vibe is bleak.

With so many women apologising for being "too much," trash-talking their own worth, and having their self-esteem flattened even further by eye-rolling parents, we could have ourselves a very sad, very depressing drinking game.

As for the men: if I hear one more bloke hype himself up before requesting a sweet, quiet woman who doesn't swear, I am riding at dawn. Lift the bar, lads. You are capable of more than this.

Join me next time for episode three where we'll find out more about the couples we now know and meet the ones we don't. See ya there!

Missed our recap of Episode One of MAFS? Check it out here.

Feature Image: Nine.