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We open with the experts telling us that season six of Married at First Sight is going to be “bigger than ever” and no. It cannot be any bigger than last season.
It will be too much. The nation shan’t be able to handle it.
We're promised that "in the end love will prevail," and we don't know how Channel Nine are legally still allowed to say that but... okay.
You see, this experiment is, how shall we put it respectfully, an insult to science, psychology, relationships and all of our ancestors, as well as the greatest research failure of the 21st century.
From a total of 33 couples, zero have been successful.
We're not statisticians but we don't... like those odds.
But you know who does like those odds?
Mr John Aiken.
We're at the hens night and dear God, is a fake hens night for a fake wedding necessary? (Yes).
One of the first women we meet threatens to lock another woman named Melissa (maybe) in a cupboard and go overseas, we presume while Melissa is still in the cupboard.
Meanwhile, Melissa keeps yelling that she's an extrovert and, sweetie, we know.
At the bucks night, it's time for a bombshell and it comes in the form of a 'Matt'.
You see Matt is a 29-year-old virgin and it's very important that he announces to his fellow men, but also the rest of Australia, that he has never, not once, stuck his erect willy inside a woman's vagina hole. Not even just a little bit.
We are then subject to a virgin montage and we learn that being a virgin means you:
Matt also has very good posture which we can only assume is related to the fact he is a virgin.
Da boiz offer him a beer when he arrives at the bucks party, and he says "no thank you," because as everyone knows, virgins aren't allowed to drink alcohol.
But da boiz think Matt must have misunderstood the question so explain that the alcohol has alcohol in it, and is free, and it's just over there in the kitchen.
Matt grabs himself a cool, hydrating glass of water, and the men look at him suspiciously before yelling, "Y R U NOT LIKE US PLS WE HAVE LIVER ISSUES," and yes but that's not Matt's fault.
It takes approximately 45 seconds for Nic to ask, "Matt, mate, you not put your excited willy into a woman's vag before or what?" and we have to wait an entire ad break for Matt to reply, "...Nah."
Cool.
John Aiken then emerges from inside a wall and tells them, "This is going to be the toughest thing you've ever done..." which would be fine except for the fact Nic opened up about having survived testicular cancer literally just moments before.
STOP.
IT IS TIME FOR SOME ILLEGITIMATE SCIENTIFIC MATCHING AND THEY ARE AS FOLLOWS.
Pros:
Both smiley
Appear to both be employed
Jules' fringe
Cons:
Both gave a specific height requirement for a potential partner, neither of which were met
John Aiken was... involved
Are strangers
Pros:
Have things in common, like indefinitely quitting their lives to marry a stranger on the TV for no reason
Both implicitly trust Mr John Aiken
Cons:
Cyrell won't stop... crying
Ivan
Ivan
Ivan
Ivan
No.
Jules and Cam are our first match and John Aiken says "scientifically speaking they're one of our strongest matched couples," and no, Sir. When you've unsuccessfully matched 33 couples you LOSE the RIGHT to talk about the SCIENCE.
Jules panics when she's getting ready because for some reason this whole marrying a stranger on the television and dragging along her elderly parents to a wedding that isn't real is starting to feel ridiculous.
But eventually she assures herself she can just get a fake divorce if it doesn't work out and off she goes.
As soon as she lays eyes upon Cameron, they appear to fall in love, which no one, least of all the experts, were expecting.
In an attempt to wreak havoc at the reception, a producer murders the DJ so as to stop the music. Cam, however, just starts dancing with Jules in silence and dear God this fake marriage is going swimmingly.
Everyone gets up to join them in silence and meanwhile, in the background, poor producer Joe is getting arrested because he's covered in blood and everyone saw him assassinate DJ Wayne.
Speaking of murder;
Ivan.
When Cyrell tells her family she's getting married to a stranger on television for no reason, Ivan starts yelling that it's a stupid idea and all we want to know is how Ivan explained all the cameras in his house if he didn't know anyone was featuring on a TV show.
"NO EXPERT CAN BRING LOVE," he proclaims from outside where his family has locked him, "IT COMES FROM THE HEART," and legit Ivan has a point.
But they've all decided Ivan is being crazy, and his mum demands "DON'T SWEAR IN FRONT OF THE FOOD," confirming that she is the only one in this house with her priorities in order.
Ivan decides to boycott the wedding, and Cyrell is devastated because she's been to the important milestones for all her siblings - weddings, baby showers, etc.
The difference, of course, is that they were real events, and this is a fake wedding, but we digress.
After a change of heart a cheeky $500 slipped to him by a producer, Ivan turns up just as Cyrell is about to leave her house.
On the way to the venue, however, Ivan decides to make fun of Cyrell one last time while she's in her fake wedding dress, with a fake tiara, on her way to meet her fake husband.
She starts crying because it's embarrassing for her, and says, "I don't feel like it's my wedding..."
Oh.
It's... not. It's Channel Nine's wedding. But never mind.
Inside the church, Cyrell is worried that Ivan might "done something," and omg same.
When the celebrant says, "You may kiss the bride," Ivan yells "THAT'S DISRESPECTFUL," and mate, you're disrespectful.
But there's more.
At the reception, Ivan takes Nic to speak to him outside. In the dark. About his intentions.
We didn't want to say anything but, yes, Ivan appears to have an injured left eye. And we feel like it may have happened during a fight.
Nic explains that he hasn't found love because he got sick a few years ago, and Ivan starts yelling about how you can't run away every time you've got the flu.
Oh honey, no.
Nic drops the whole, "Nah I actually had fckn cancer," and Ivan decides he's a pretty decent guy and tells Cyrell to give him a chance.
Back at the hotel, Cyrell is yelling "TAKE IT OFF," to Nic while spanking him and sweetie we need to calm down before we have the sexy time.
Nic then tries to turn the light off in the hope Cyrell will no longer be able to locate him, and in turn physically assault him, but can't manage to find the right switch.
Did we mention Nic was an electrician?
You can't write this shit.
Until tomorrow night....
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