Apparently, there's an ideal time to marry. I missed it.

Oh dear.

AS a statistic I am an abject failure in nearly every area of my life.

You see, according to surveys/reports/experts/advice/opinion I have not obeyed the rules and, as such, am destined to be unhealthy, unsatisfied and unhappy.

For a start I eat sugar, dairy, wheat and red meat. I also drink wine regularly, often more than the safe two-glass limit recommended. Oh, and I also used to smoke and don’t exercise as regularly – everything from an hour every day to three days a week according to expert recommendations – as I should. Statistically speaking, I should actually be dead.

Today, the latest thing I learnt is that I have missed out on marrying at the ideal time in life ie: within the four-year span of 28 and 32 – oops!

I guess I should be concerned as, according to some UK maths boffin, should I be searching for a suitable mate, I have only a one in 285,000 chance of finding him. This means that I could be the one in four current singles estimated in a US report who will remain unmarried into their 40s and 50s. Which is confusing, considering a recent Australian happiness survey found married women are more miserable compared to married men.

Read more: Katie was a “happily married young mother of two” with a deadly secret.

I have also missed out on the ideal time to have a baby (eeeek!), with the late teens or early twenties being “best” biologically according to stats. Then again, another report says that 31 is the optimum age in terms of the mother’s long-term physical well-being. However, be financially capable of said child, as money problems cause a high percentage of divorces according to researchers.

Look out if you find trouble conceiving however, the stats are out to get you! The chance of a live birth should you try IVF cycle is 26.6 per cent under 30, 16.9 per cent for women aged 35-39, and 6.6 per cent for women aged 40-44. For women over 45, this dropped to 1.2 per cent. Never mind that women are defying these odds daily. They are erratic statistics apparently. Lucky freaks.

Then again, according to another survey, women with children are more likely to be unhappy than those without. And should they work and thus help thwart those relationship-threatening money issues, they still can’t win as their partner will be less happy than if they stayed at home, a survey says.

Perhaps living in a small town with a population under 1000 people where the stats for getting a job are low could help as that same poll suggests women who do are more likely to be happy than their city dwelling contemporaries. Maybe that’s because statistics show the chances of being able to afford a home in the city is as likely as being hit by a falling piano – being played by Barry Manilow at the time – or something equally statistically illogical.

In other words, just shoot me now because of the stats I’m stuffed with. Which is why I would like to stick these gloomy stats where the sun don’t shine and offer some of my own. For a start, I’d like to confess that despite what the so-called experts say, I am more happy and content than I have ever been in my life despite not fitting in their idealised constraints. What’s more, so are most of the people I know and love.

Here are two guys giving their insight into when you should get married. (Post continues after video)

Based on my research, (ie: several bottles of pinot and a gathering of girlfriends) I can report that no one is 100 per cent content no matter what their life lot is. I can also reveal that relationships do not make a person happy or complete – only being happy in yourself can. And, statistically speaking, kids are hard work – satisfying for some and a struggle for others. Oh, and women who don’t have them do manage to go on to live full lives without regret.

Of the research participants I polled, one met her life partner at 42, one at 23 and one doesn’t believe they exist. One married type said she would change partners/start over again if she could while three said they dream of being single and, if or when this becomes reality, would be happy to never have another relationship.

Some own houses, some rented and others don’t actually want or feel the need to tick the mortgage box. Most ate what they wanted but would like to lose five kilos – not enough to make them diet or go to the gym. Those who do exercise claimed they do it as much for sanity as vanity. All felt that life offers opportunities when least expected and that people are more than mere numbers .

Oh, and 100 per cent of those I polled believe that statistics are for suckers. Now, that is a conclusion I will take on board as gospel.

Do you stress out that you haven’t ticked boxes at the ‘right’ time? 

Want more? Try:

“I am one of the few Australians in a legal same-sex marriage.”

“I grew up believing I would never get married. Because marriage was for thin women.”

The moment Penny Wong won the same-sex marriage debate.