There is nothing spontaneous about sex as a parent.

One woman’s account of how to keep a relationship alive when you have children.

We both knew using the hubby’s old skateboard as a makeshift security system was a risk, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

“What if one of the kids opens the door and instead of the skateboard falling down the stairs, it falls forward and strikes them?”

“If The Beast were to open the door this might happen, but if one of the girls opens it, they might have the reflexes to jump back before the board got too close to them.”

“What if Devo tries to open the door?”

“Are you kidding me? That kid needs a skateboard to the shin with the way he’s been talking to us.”

“True.”

“We good with this then?”

“Errrrr…I don’t know, it’s kind of risky. I don’t want anyone to get hurt.”

“Okay, I’ll position the skateboard so that it can only fall down the stairs if the door is opened.”

“Okay, but we have to hurry.”

“Not a problem.”

“I’ll bet.”

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

“Just go rig the door!”

On the other hand, now that I think of it, the thought of one of them walking in on us with our pants down to our ankles would’ve been ten times more traumatic than a skateboard to the shin.

Last night the hubby and I resorted to having sex in our disgusting unfinished basement right next to the litter boxes where our 3, count’em, 3 cats take care of their business. What can I say? Seeing me bend over to scoop up cat shit is what my hubby yearns for after a long strenuous work day. Needless to say, placing his old skateboard upright against the basement door was the only way we could make sure there was enough time for us to pull up our pants without either of us getting caught or in our case, hurt. I can’t tell you how close I’ve been to breaking the hubby’s precious joy stick due to me jumping to my feet at the sound of a child on the other side of our bedroom door. In my defense, it hasn't always been my fault. The constant jangling of a bedroom doorknob puts me on a bit of an edge.

This is how desperate we’ve become in our efforts to keep our sex life alive and thriving.

Since having kids, sex for me and the hubby has turned into somewhat of a never-ending quest. A quest for time as we both work full-time jobs; a quest for energy as we both work full-time jobs and have 4 children; a quest for privacy as we have 4 children, 3 cats and a lock on our bedroom door that can easily be opened with any coin of choice; and finally, a quest for some good ole fashion spontaneity.

Thus, “spontaneous” cat litter sex was born.

Only we had to map out our escape route, come to terms with possible consequences and ensure the table we were going to use was wiped down properly. Spontaneous my ass! Now you see why the quotation marks are pivotal at this point.

The hubby and I have been together for almost 15 years, so you can say that we’re pretty comfortable with each other. In the past 15 years as a happily married couple we’ve had the marital privilege to hear each other fart it up, point out boogers in each other’s noses, and yes, I’ve even had the hubby look in my mouth for potential cavities. To say that we’ve seen some shit go down would be an understatement.

Huh…After writing all of this down I’m surprised we’re still attracted to one another. Shit, I’m surprised we can still look each other in the eyes anymore.

The point is that we are still very much attracted to each other and finding the time and the energy to get some alone time in is harder than getting The Beast to shit on the toilet. Who has time for sex anymore? As mentioned before, the hubby and I both work full-time jobs outside of the house. On any given weekday, after picking up the kids from their designated after-school locations, we find ourselves getting home close to 7pm. After making dinner, cleaning up the house a bit, getting stuff ready for the next day and getting the kids into bed, our official lay down time can range anywhere from 11pm to midnight; sometimes later depending on if we need to make a quick grocery stop or if Miss J absolutely needs 100 puffy balls from the craft store. Oh, and of course they have to be various sizes and colours, so let’s make a stop at both Lincraft AND K-Mart while we’re still in the car.

Sure, I’ll take some sex after all that crap. Just try not to wake me in the process.

This is where the spontaneity of sex while married with children gets thrown out of the bedroom window. Hell, you don’t even have to be married. Just having kids sets the record straight that comfortable bedroom sex might be a thing of the past and quick “Hurry up before the kids find out we’re gone” sex becomes the norm.

Just be lucky we’re having sex you say?

Have I introduced you to our 12 year old son, Devo, lately? That’s right. An almost teenager lives in our house. While I’ve already taken it upon myself to enlighten him with the “If you have sex before university, I’m going to rip your head off” speech, I still find his age and his curiosity somewhat daunting. I can’t seem to shake the self-conscious feeling I get when I know he’s in the house while the hubby and I are trying to get frisky. What if he hears? What if he sees something? What if he’s lying on his bed in the fetal position because we’ve made the mistake of being too loud? This shit is enough for me to consider away camp next summer; and boarding school now!

Oh, and then there’s The Beast. He’s been given this name for a reason you know. I don’t care if he’s only 3! This kid will follow you into the bathroom regardless if your intent is to shit or shower. He doesn’t mind at all, just as long as he’s not the one on the toilet or in the tub. There was one instance where the hubby and I opted for a little slap and tickle in the upstairs bathroom. I know. The mention of sex laced cat piss and then the mention sex laced human piss is purely coincidental. Anyway, all of the kids were downstairs eating and watching their Saturday morning cartoons, so we took advantage and decided to go for the gusto. Two minutes later and you would’ve thought the damn police were trying to break the bathroom door down. “Where’s mama?” “Open the door!” And then of course, the crying ensued. Talk about a buzz kill. Apparently if the hubby and I are both nowhere to be found, sound the alarms and round up the hounds, for an official manhunt is set to be underway.

The Beast patiently waiting outside of the bathroom. Privacy is not a word that is often used in our house.

I guess you can say that it all comes down to careful planning now. It may sound like a snore, but come to think of it, we actually have fun planning the where and how of our "spontaneous" sex quests. The where is always the most fun and the how inevitably gets the most laughs. How will we get the girls to stay in their bedroom? That depends. How much money do you have on you? How will we get The Beast to stay at the table and eat his food? Okay, but only one biscuit. Oh fuck it, just give him two. Where can we escape to this time? Well, I haven’t cleaned the bathroom just yet and I could’ve sworn I saw a massive white tip spider in the basement, so how does my bedroom closet sound? Okay, I’ll meet you up there in 2 minutes. Be half naked!

These scenarios may sound easy enough to get some alone time in, but believe me, those biscuits are usually the first thing eaten and Miss J and Gia aren’t always satisfied with 85 cents in change. Then there’s Devo. Ugh! It’s not as if we can make him put his earbuds in for 10 minutes for absolutely no reason whatsoever.

What other options do we have? Maybe better locks on our doors will help ease the constant worries of the possibility of a child walking in mid coital. Maybe we should just suck it up and wait for the kids to go to asleep, but again, who has the time and energy for that shit?

In the meantime, I’ll just have to keep reminding myself of how fun planning “spontaneous” sex can be and to be thankful for our occasional sneaky sookie sookie.

That's it...A reminder is all I'll need when I find myself in the emergency room due to the negligence of a parent and their strategically placed skateboard.

Do your kids pose a problem to your sex life? What's your horror experience?

Enjoyed this post? You might like these too...

10 reason you don't want to be my friend now that I have kids.

When did you last kiss your husband? Like, really kiss?