"40 thoughts I had while watching the music video of Mariah Carey's breakup song."

I couldn’t find a more eloquent way to ease you into this, so I’m just going to go right ahead and say Mariah Carey’s break-up song is here and the film clip is far and above one of the more ridiculous things I’ve yet seen.

Part of me would hate to spoil the plot line for you, but the other part of me doesn’t particularly care enough, so I’ll probably be doing so anyway.

Complete with a fireball wedding dress, an engagement ring that flips the bird and excessive use of the term ‘pity party’, Carey has delivered more with this song than what a marriage to James Packer ever would.

This was probably, say, 20 per cent of the thoughts I had while watching.

Rosie and Laura have a chat about Mariah’s new show that follows her as she starts her newest tour. Post continues after audio.

1. Who is YG?
2. Who is YG and why is he wearing tiny little sunglasses you’d find in the chemist marketed to seven-year-olds?
3. YG is wearing sunglasses inside. This is a great start. A rapper who misunderstands the purpose of sunglasses is a rapper I simultaneously want everything and nothing to do with.
4. MARIAH’S HERE.
5. Obviously?
6. Holy hell she’s wearing a wedding dress, gloves and a leather jacket and there’s not even a motorbike in sight.
7. Why is she lying down in the backseat of the car when she just came out from what seems to be a perfectly lovely and habitable house?
8. I think I’ve missed a point somewhere. (This could be a recurring theme.) Wedding dress tulle now doubles as doona. Markets herself as environmentally-aware and into sustainability. Who said break-ups were all negative?
9. I think I already know the chorus.
10. “Cold at night cause you’re not here…” seems to be an unfair accusation when you’re outside, at night, wearing nothing but lingerie.
11. YG’s back and he is in the driver’s seat of a car that’s not moving. Am starting to think he assumes objects are for show and not purpose.
12. I also think he’s wearing three watches on the one wrist.
13. Brings me back to thought number 11.
14. Sorry to keep the focus off the diva herself but now YG is wearing sunglasses outside AT NIGHT and this is a sight I simply can’t ignore.
15. Carey just flipped the bird at the camera with what I assume is the engagement ring Packer gifted her and I think we should pack up and go home because she just won this round.
16. Except I’m not going home because I’m at work and this clip still has two minutes and 53 seconds left and wow I’m watching this slowly.
17. Mariah Carey is good at a lot of things but my word lip syncing is not one of them.
18. I genuinely think she’s a good half a second behind the audio.
19. I think this is why they’re trying to distract us with sweeping images of the random car.
20. Also maybe explains her NYE performance tantrum.
21. Too soon to joke?
22. Probably just shaved her legs because she keeps doing that exaggerated sweep of the leg I always do when mine are freshly shaved.
23. YG is now wearing a shirt with the buttons undone and this would be fine but it’s the third scene that he has worn a jacket with nothing underneath and to be totally honest he is just starting to look a little bit like an idiot.
24. I think I owe YG an apology because maybe he’s not wearing three watches. Two could be bracelets. Trying to investigate further.
25. Retracted. Still convinced they’re time pieces.
26. I think we’re reaching the climax because Mariah is wearing a long, red ball gown(ish), has her wedding dress in hand and there’s fire pit right at her feet.
27. I think we know where this is going.
28. It’s going there.
29. But… when?
30. Still yet to throw in fire.
31. (While we’re waiting, this looks remarkably like a scene from the Bachelor with stone courtyards and ball gowns and jilted lovers. Take the fire pit and wedding dress away and we’re there.)
32. It’s in. Wedding dress is on fire.
33. Brain knows it’s probably actually just a bunch of tulle from Spotlight.
34. Brain would prefer to assume wedding dress.
35. Mariah dances around burnt wedding dress for a bit. Kind of looks like…. some kind of… war cry? A scene from Survivor?
36. This is particularly symbolic. They’re relationship is in flames, burnt, done, dead. Brutal, but a great visual.
37. Oh, she’s gone. She just kind of left.
38. Where did YG go?
39. Perhaps someone is explaining how UV radiation works.
40. Wouldn’t mind that four minutes back.

Mariah Carey on Carpool Karaoke with James Cordon.