Mariah Carey needs a Hero.

Guys.

Mariah needs our help.

Mariah Carey is in Australia for her ‘The Elusive Chanteuse’ tour and she has sold approximately seven tickets. Okay, that may be an under-exaggeration. She might have sold twelve.

Premium tickets for Mariah’s show have been slashed from $400 to $99, and even as low as $69.90 on some discount ticket sites.

Literally, as I was writing this, I got an e-mail from Lasttix.

It’s been a tough year for the Chanteuse (which is French for ‘a female singer of popular songs’. Oh.) with her impending divorce from Nick Cannon. She’s also reported to have split with her long-time producer Jermaine Dupro.

And now she’s going to be singing all of her hits to a handful of people in a huge stadium. Awkward.

So let’s take a moment to remember:

Mariah is really good at the singing. She’s one of the best at making sounds EVER. Try singing like her. It’s hard. I tried in the shower, and my neighbours called the cops.

Guy in this video clip – escaped from prison. See?….

She will probably change into at least six different sparkly, revealing dresses, and she may even throw some glitter at the audience. FUN!

She might sing this song. And you could be as excited as this kid. (No really, watch this…)

She’s the most famously demanding diva, so maybe a bunch of white pomeranian puppies that have been dyed pink for her pleasure will escape from her dressing rooms and distribute themselves amongst the audience.

She’s worth about $500 million, so she might just throw out a few wads of cash that are weighing her down (probs not, but we can hope).

Apparently, she speaks in a British accent and makes fun of herself a lot during the show. Cool.

She deals with technical issues better than anyone. Let’s actually hope that this happens:

And finally, she’s got the best ‘whistle register’ in the world. That’s an actual thing. It’s the top part of the vocal register, and few singers can use it as well as MC. Though the local dogs may not appreciate it, it’s pretty impressive. Well, I think so. La la la la AHHHHHH

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6FGsZJ4tSqM

That is all. Go forth, Mariah fans. If you love Mariah, love her right now. She needs you. And if you just want to laugh at her, do it. You still might get a free pink puppy.

Help the sister out.

P.S. I swear Mariah didn’t ask me to write this. She never returns my phone calls.

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