A 'maintenance shag' and 6 other lessons from a 20-year marriage with kids.

This year my husband Jules and I will celebrate 20 years of marriage and 22 years together.

It doesn't quite seem possible that later this year, I will have spent more of my life with him than not. Twenty-two years is a mere drop in the ocean in terms of world history, but it is also a very long time to share a bed with someone. 

We met back in 2001 when working for the same catering firm in Sydney. I was a backpacker living in a share house of five girls and he was a third-year medical student in Newcastle. Neither of us had much cash and one of our first dates was a picnic made up of a leftover half bottle of wine from work. But as we sat and talked while looking across at an illuminated Harbour Bridge, I knew my life was about to change.

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Eighteen months later we were married, and our 2003 wedding in Dubbo was actually the first wedding I had ever been to as an adult. It was long before Instagram and the pressures of social media, so the details were simple and cost-effective. Bridesmaid dresses were on sale from a department store, friends and family did the catering, took the photos and we made our invites by hand. The main thing I remember about the day is a feeling of love and being loved. 

Fast-forward 20 years, and underneath decades of life's challenges, two kids and plenty of stress-induced wrinkles, the love is still there. Jules is still my person and I like to think that I am his.

But relationships are hard, and we have not always had a perfect run. 

I am not an expert and I don't pretend to know literally anything about anything but here are seven things I have learned after 22 years with Jules.

1. Enjoy time together – as a family and as a couple.

As our kids grow up, I am loving our family nights out and holidays. We have in-jokes and traditions and sometimes I feel my heart might actually explode with joy when we are in a restaurant and the boys are behaving and we're all having a laugh while sharing a pizza. When they were little, it was a lot more about brief moments of joy and love in and amongst the logistics of toddler wrangling and it was cute but highly stressful.

For us, food is important whether at home or out and while there is plenty of screen time, meal times are screen-free and spent (mostly) at the table for chats and to and check in with each other. We also try for regular family activities that don't involve food and they are pretty basic: A beach swim, a bush walk, a movie night or a bike ride. 

As a couple, Jules and I try to get out for a date night as often as we can schedule it. 

Maybe once a month, on average, and sometimes that looks like a walk and a coffee and other times it is a nice dinner. The purpose is to reconnect and chat and remember who we are as individuals, not parents. It sounds cheesy but I really look forward to talking openly with Jules and without interruption. Sometimes we talk about the kids, sometimes we talk about big world events or sometimes we just laugh and talk about some dirty, juicy gossip.

2. Take time apart from each other and the family.

At weekends, we take turns being the main parent while the other one goes and does something that fills their cup. For Jules that is mostly surfing; for me, it is walking in nature, seeing friends or going for a swim. Either way, we need some time out from the family to feel refreshed and be better parents and partners on our return. 

We have also done plenty of 'solo holidaying' and while the one left at home does it tough for a week or two, the other one gets a proper holiday with family or friends and time to unwind. 

No one person should or can be someone’s everything and we both believe in giving time to nurture our other great relationships too.

3. Consider the 'maintenance shag'!

Sex in a long-term relationship, and what makes you happy, are completely unique to you and your partner's needs. For us, we both enjoy sex and our chemistry was part of what made us fall madly in love. 

These days, sex for us doesn't have to mean that we hit fourth base or go full PIV every time. We're about intimacy and pleasure but also consistency, which is why I love Caitlin Moran's term 'the maintenance shag'.

Okay, so it is not super romantic, but it doesn't mean we put 'sexy time' in our diaries like a doctor's appointment. But we do prefer a relaxed weekend vibe when the kids are on screens and we can lock the bedroom door. We'll always choose a cheeky 'matinee' in the afternoon because I am way too tired for sex at bedtime and often full of dinner and chocolate.

And just because something is a relationship 'requirement', it doesn't make it bad.

In fact, it is very enjoyable because, after 20-odd years, we can communicate our desires and know exactly how to have the most fun. It connects us and brings us closer, and I would say a 'maintenance shag' or just plain old regular sex, is a very important part of our relationship.

4. There is no shame in therapy.

About 10 years into our marriage, we experienced a really rocky patch. Toby was a four-month-old baby when we sold our home in Newcastle to move to the UK to be near my family. We changed literally everything about our old lives in just a few weeks and it was a huge adjustment at an already stressful time. Jules ended up with severe depression and we had to spend a few months apart while we worked out what to do about our new home and life in the UK. 

I felt this huge resentment when Toby and I eventually moved back to be with Jules in Australia, as my dreams of being near family didn't work out. It was tough, but aside from talking to friends and each other, professional help was and still is essential. It helped us deal with our own emotions and better understand each other’s. 

There is no shame or stigma in seeking support for your relationship at any stage; I found it to be incredibly therapeutic and think that everyone benefits from professional help.  

5. Get the biggest bed you can afford/fit in your house.

I totally get why couples have separate bedrooms or even homes because sleep is everything and just because you don't sleep beside someone, it doesn't mean you don't love them. While we don't have the money for our own homes or the space for our own bedrooms, we do have a big old bed that is amazing. 

I love sleep so much and I am all about making our married sleep-life as good as possible. A couple of years ago we FINALLY invested in a king-size bed and fancy mattress and it was mind-blowing. Total game changer.

Jules now doesn’t notice my fidgeting and we both have so much of our own space to get comfy and sleep well – and we can always meet in the middle when the mood takes us.

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6. Say 'sorry' when you are wrong and 'thank you' when they are thoughtful.

This is simplistic, but not meant to patronise because I just think you can't underestimate the importance of basic manners in a long-term relationship!

I have definitely become better at admitting my mistakes over the years. I am very sensitive whereas Jules is more practical, meaning that at times, we have clashed and misunderstood each other’s responses to things.

These days we both have better insight into our own characters and have learnt to listen and apologise when we stuff up, rather than get huffy.

Sometimes kindness is not front of mind and I do frequently get annoyed about wet towels on the bed (why so hard?!). I do, however, try to be openly appreciative of the good stuff too – as does Jules to me.

We don’t always get it right, but I like to think that we respect each other enough that even when we get cranky or upset, our default position is one of mutual respect and kindness.

7. Know there will be hard times – and that's okay.

In 2012, when we hit our first real big stumbling block as tired new parents, we fought, we cried and yet we kept talking. The good times came around again and boy did they feel good after the turbulent years.

Since then, as other hard times have followed such as major work stresses, the pandemic or the death of close family and friends, we have been able to work through them, knowing that good times will return eventually.

We keep talking and we try to find the light and fun where and when we can. We know that we have a good support network outside of each other, so while we are a good team, we are also part of a wider community that cares about us and our boys.

We have been together for so long now that we have witnessed a lot of change and growth in each other. From career to personal development, getting through the tough times or becoming a parent. 

It is truly a great privilege to see someone you love achieve their goals or just be an awesome parent and I am very grateful I have had Jules by my side for 22 years to watch it all happen.

Laura Jackel is Mamamia's Family Writer. For links to her articles and to see photos of her outfits and family, follow her on Instagram and TikTok.

Feature Image: Supplied; Canva.