We’re calling it: Sam and Ines' affair on Married at First Sight is completely fake.

There is no statistical way that a man named Sam, in his mid twenties, could sign up for Married at First Sight, only to a) be called overseas to attend a funeral, and b) contract chicken pox, all in the space of two weeks.

No one’s life is that interesting.

It’s simply not possible.

So perhaps I shouldn’t have been surprised when, last night, I found myself feeling entirely cynical about Sam’s date with Ines – a woman who cannot be real and if she is, would require us all to evacuate Australia immediately due to threats to the wellbeing of all humans.

In preparation for her date, Ines walked around her hotel room in her underwear, outwardly pondering why she was bothering to wear clothes when they’d be off so soon.

She literally stood in front of the mirror and demonstrated how her dress could unzip from the front. 

Then, when they both arrived at a... random bar, their conversation consisted exclusively of the following:

1. "You look so good, omg how good do you look, your legs are so nice, but also your tan (??) and your HANDS"
2. "I hope Elizabeth - your current wife who is currently missing - never returns"
3. "How good are cheese platters"

THESE ARE TWO PEOPLE WHO HAVE LITERALLY NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT.

At the end of the date, they hid behind a plant to kiss, which is ridiculous given that if they felt at all uncomfortable about cheating they probably wouldn't be doing it on national television in the first place.

But once they returned to Sam's apartment, Married at First Sight suddenly turned into a very bad porno.

Sam and Ines were shown kissing... extensively, and then Sam picked up Ines and threw her on the bed before getting on top of her.

The trailer for tonight's episode shows Sam's wife, Elizabeth, arriving at the apartment, potentially (although - let's be real - probably not) finding her husband in bed with another woman.

Given the success of last season of Married at First Sight, it's no surprise the show's producers might want to replicate one of its most salacious storylines - the cheating spouses.

And I have no problem with it.

It's just that it's 100 per cent, definitely, without a doubt, not real. It's too obvious and too predictable.

Speaking to Who magazine, Sam's current girlfriend Akila Ahmunett said that when she started dating Sam in December last year, he told her the truth about his time on the show.

Last year’s ‘villain’ Davina Rankin - who had her own 'affair' on the reality show - also told the Sydney Morning Herald the shows’ stars are guided in a certain way for drama and that her relationship with Dean was totally orchestrated by producers.

Listen to Clare and Jessie Stephens recap Married at First Sight. Post continues after audio.

“Dean was told ‘Okay, get your phone out and get ready to text now,’ and I was told the same and when to text with cameras and lights on us,” she said.

“I never even kissed Dean… We were like guinea pigs.”

But if this whole thing is fake, and Ines and Sam have been paid/manipulated/softly encouraged to pretend to have an affair for the sole purpose of entertaining Australia, we should probably be slightly less... hateful in our reaction to it.

At this point, I'm watching Married at First Sight with an underlying understanding that it may or may not be fiction. And yes, I still love it unconditionally.