The Twins recap Married at First Sight: "I'm not attracted to you. Physically."

March 3, 2020

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We open on our two new couples who are full of hope, despite the fact that anyone who has been in this experiment for longer than six weeks is either emotionally traumatised or desperately unhappy.

We flash to Josh yelling “WE’RE OUT OF BREAD” and Cathy shouting while toothpaste leaks out of her mouth “I DON’T FCKN EAT BREAD” and yes, welcome to the profound romance of a fake marriage, nice to meet you.

Over in Stacey and Michael’s apartment, Stacey has had an awful dream where Michael was hooking up with Hayley. Michael says “that doesn’t sound like a dream it sounds like a nightmare” and errr no that sounds heaps like that time you legit hooked up with Hayley. Not even a week ago. That’s mostly what it sounds like. Sir.

Clare and Jessie Stephens

March 3, 2020

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Meanwhile, Connie and Jonethen have decided it might be a good idea to write down everything they despise/resent/hate about each other on the mirror (?) so they can change who they are, fundamentally, in order to prolong a dysfunctional relationship.

They run out of space and we just KNOW that the marker isn’t going to come off when they try to wipe it. And then John Aiken won’t give them their bond back. Which will be an unnecessary headache.

Jonethen takes one look at it and is like Jesus I don’t want to do all this shit and yes well this is why Connie’s mum tried to kidnap her recently. Because you’re wasting each other’s... lives.

Lizzie and Seb are on their honeymoon (in Port Macquarie, because there are only so many failed honeymoons Channel 9 can afford before you're given the keys to Trish's Honda Civic and shooed up the coast), and he’s behaving like a... robot. Which is weird. But arguably not as weird as faking a funeral to escape the show you voluntarily signed up for.

Speaking of faking funerals, Lizzie is so broken by the events of last year that she has now come to believe that a defining, normal part of a honeymoon is the moment your husband says: Ahhh, so. Turns out I gotta run. Unforeseen circumstances. Also, I don't have your phone number and if you try to contact me I'll pretend I don't have voicemail. Okay, bye now.

But Seb isn't... leaving. And he wants to spend... time together. With her eyes, Lizzie says, “Hey sweetie, you sure no one close to you has died recently? You wanna check your email for any funeral invites?” and Lizzie please, that’s inappropriate.

mafs recap — I completely understand if you can't contact me.

In case anyone forgot (we didn't) we are then served a series of flashbacks reminding us about the time Sam told all of Australia that Lizzie sucked on his thumb for no reason and surely this isn't... helpful. For a woman who already... went through this. Last year. On the same show.

Seb, outright refusing to RSVP to any pending funeral invites, decides to surprise Lizzie with an afternoon of strawberry picking and... oh. Lizzie explains that she's traumatised by the fruit ever since Sam force-fed them to her last season and Seb nods hesitantly and it's awkward because he clearly pretended that he'd watched last season and now everything is lacking context.

Grasping at straws, he organises a game of bocce and Lizzie is all like 'I can't throw these balls they remind me of Sam's testicles' and okay, you might need to work through some stuff but okay.

Over on Drew and KC's honeymoon, KC has discovered a stuffed toy in Drew's luggage which he admits his female flatmate gave to him specifically for the trip and yeah look in fairness it does appear that Drew's housemate is also his wife and they have three children and everyone thinks he's up the road getting some milk.

But also, she has f*cked up taste in toys.

He takes KC on a picnic and she's all like "U GO ON PICNICS WITH UR FLATMATE TOO OR NO" and given they're married we'd assume... yes.

She asks him to tell her a little about his flatmate and Drew, mate. Stop telling her how much you hang out. And go to the markets. Don't tell her about the markets and maybe she won't get so mad.

"Would you put me ahead of your girl roommate?" KC asks the man she's known for 24 hours now, and he pauses, clearly thinking, "Err. I dunno. Probs not. Mostly because I don't... know you. And you already hate my roommate. Who you've never met."

But KC would just like to share how she feels about this situation without Drew telling her that her feelings are wrong.

"It's okay to feel how I feel," she says. "And I feel like Jessie needs to disappear. Physically. From the country. And the hemisphere. Is how I feel." And unless Drew can make that happen she can't really see this working long term.

But things are looking up for Josh and Cathy who are going trampolining, and will definitely sustain at least one lower back injury between them.

They jump on trampolines that smell like sweaty foot and pull muscles in their hamstrings and knee little children in the forehead and who would have thought that this is all they needed to get the spark back in their relationship.

Afterwards, they go out for Mexican food, and Josh eats a chilli for a lol and yeah it f*cks him up.

Look. We can't stress this enough.

You don't have to eat hot chillies in order to be fun and if you do then shit ain't... right.

Mishel and Steve have also decided to try this 'having fun' thing and are heading to the beach but there's a conflict. Namely, that Sir Steve Aiken has a fear of the ocean ever since he nearly drowned as a boy and ffs no wonder the man doesn't want to go kayaking let him deal with his trauma in peace.

He finally decides to give a kayak a go and decides, while sitting on a sandbar half a metre from the water's edge, that yeah, he could get into adventurous water sports. Mishel is very excited because now kayaking on a Tuesday can be their hobby, just like she always wanted.

As they dry off on the sand, Steve decides that now, while Mishel is in her goddamn swimming costume, would be an ideal time to tell her that he doesn't find her attractive. Physically. Which is a rude thing to say out loud. To your wife. On the television. Six weeks into your fake marriage.

He suggests they have a chat about how they might overcome this obstacle, and yeah, right...

Cool, Steve.

Jonethen has also decided to organise an activity for his wife and ah, shit.

Connie wanted to go BOWLING Jonethen. Like with PINS. Not LAWN BOWLS. They're two completely differently leisurely pastimes and this is why darling Connie gets upset. Because you miss vital details.

Jonethen is tired from his full-time job of trying to be another person, so asks Evarn, who tagged along to lawn bowls, "U GUYS BONING OR NO". Evarn gets all weird, saying it's 'rude' to talk about sex, before asking Jonethen whether he'd go to the pub with his friends and ask how their sex life is and honestly.... yes.

Later, Jonethen and Connie decide to go on a picnic together, and Jonethen realises that the guidelines they wrote on their mirror (that won't come off) might be trying to... change him.

"Have we just been trying to force something that isn't going to work?" he asks Connie and, again. Yes. That's precisely what you're doing.

“This whole week has been so good because I haven’t been myself," he says and Connie's frustrated, because why can't Jonethen just continue to not be himself?? It's doing wonders for their marriage?

But shut up because Michael has written a letter to Stacey and his handwriting is appalling.

He's asked her to meet him on the rooftop of the apartment building, where he plans to convince her that even though he's a compulsive liar who won't stop drinking and/or partying and/or cheating, he would like to continue their marriage and make her cry just a couple more times, please.

When Stacey arrives, he explains that he knows this is special because when he broke up with his ex-girlfriend, he didn't want to chase her (probs didn't have to say that on national television but okay), but Stacey is the first person he's ever wanted to chase.

Pause.

Sir.

You. Wouldn't. Have. To. Chase. If. You. Hadn't. Done. A. Cheat. Do you understand?

Finally, they kiss, and Stacey says no one's going to come between them now and NO ONE CAME BETWEEN YOU.

EXCEPT THE WOMAN MICHAEL CHOSE TO GO DRINKING WITH, DANCE WITH, AND THEN KISS. MULTIPLE TIMES.

UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.

For more gossip and lols, you can follow Clare and Jessie Stephens on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter. You can also join our Facebook group, Married at First Sight Lols.

Catch up on all the recaps:

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 19: Lizzie is back. And we have... concerns.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 18: Um. A couple was just forcibly removed from the experiment.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 17: That's the most messed up thing we've ever seen on TV.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 15: IT'S A GODDAMN CHEATIN' SCANDAL.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 14: The fight that ruined David and Hayley.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 13: "I want to apologise to the gay community."

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 12: The penis that broke a marriage.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 11: Hayley and David are having 'unconventional sex'.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 10: The wrong bride just quit her marriage.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 9: We need to talk about consent.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 8: A dinner party turns... violent.