The Twins recap Married at First Sight: A messed up conversation about race.

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A few minutes into tonight’s episode, two things are immediately obvious.  

1. John Aiken does not blink. And it’s unsettling. For us. 

2. 'Confessions Week' is only halfway through which is honestly impressive given how many lives it’s already destroyed. 

Meanwhile, Andrew has moved into a different apartment and no offence but we thought you were leaving the country. 

He tells the cameras it didn’t work with Holly because “she can’t handle being rejected,” and he “doesn’t want to be with someone who yells” at him. Considering he’s determined to give negative feedback to women about their sexual performance, these seem unlikely to be the real reasons why it's not working.

"Usually women love it when I tell them they're shit in bed." 

On a related note, Holly is still here. Partaking in the experiment. 

But sweetie you need to go the f**k home because literally everyone is wasting your time for fun. She reflects she’s “given every part of my physical… being to this experiment,” and yes but you didn’t peg Andrew so let’s consider that a win. 

Let's remember that.  

Over in Olivia and Jackson’s place, they’re starring in an entirely different TV show. In this alternative universe, it’s disgustingly superficial and borderline psychopathic to rank other human beings in order of their physical attractiveness, so instead Olivia and Jackson are asked to rank their values.  

We don’t mean to be rude but it’s not as… fun. They place their values in exactly the same order and okay this is lovely but HAS ANYONE NOTICED THAT ANTHONY HAS A GIANT GASH ON HIS HEAD. 

Mate are you right??? 

The only plausible scenario we can imagine is that he tried to leave this godforsaken experiment in the dark of night and John Aiken… clubbed him. For that reason, he isn’t allowed to mention the distracting CUT on his FOREHEAD that is literally currently BLEEDING, and instead has to do the degrading photo ranking task with Selin. 

She ranks the men and considers putting Anthony first, for the sake of his feelings, but then... (she’s not sure if she’s mentioned this before)... Anthony actually left the honeymoon. He. Left. So. 

Without once asking Anthony how he acquired a giant gash on his forehead while locked in John Aiken's prison a hotel, she places him fifth. Towards the bottom. Of the group of men she hardly knows.

Is it fifth? Or is it fourth last? 

“I based it on gentleman,” she says and wot.

They start to fight about the time Anthony left the honeymoon because his wife hated him and mate we’re really sorry but we can’t take you seriously. Your head is bleeding. 

Anthony leaves to tend to his wound, and Selin doesn’t understand why he got so angry. She just said he wasn’t attractive? Or very ‘gentleman’? But lady, he’s upset because he has a sore bleeding head and literally no one has asked if he needs medical attention.

Over in Domenica and Jack’s apartment, the “intimacy has gone to s**t”. Which is a worry. When you’ve been married for a total of one week. 

Domenica repeatedly tells the camera she feels like her husband doesn’t want to have sex with her and doesn’t “like me on that level”, but then there’s a twist. 

“I think I scared you a little bit because I said I was on my period,” she tells Jack and is it completely necessary for this conversation to be broadcast to the entire nation (absolutely yes). 

"Logistically." 

Jack hadn’t wanted to say it. But he doesn’t know. How one. Is to put their d*ck. In a lady. When she’s bleeding. 

“We’re beating each other against a wall,” Jack says as their fight escalates, and Domenica yells: “WELL AT LEAST SOMEONE’S GETTING BEATEN (??). AT LEAST SOMEONE’S WALLS ARE GETTING BEATEN,” and it's literally only 8:30pm. 

The problem is that Jack has never had sex with a woman on her period before, so he needs advice. Jackson and Al arrive for a chat and we don’t want to be rude but Al is a dead weight. In this situation. 

Immediately, Al starts laughing because periods are a) gross b) stupid and c) funny. 

"If she's bleeding she should go to the doctor." Jack explains that he wanted to step back when Domenica said she had her period, and Al nods and says, “yeah, because they get moody and sh*t”. 

No, Al. That’s not what… anyone meant. 

Jack immediately yells IT’S NOT THAT and Jackson shakes his head and Al is so confused about why no one is acknowledging that bitches be fckn crazy. 

Eventually, Jackson shares that he has, in fact, put his d*ck in a bleeding vag before, and he lived to tell the tale. He encourages Jack to, perhaps, communicate with his wife like a f**king adult, and Al starts messaging his mum to pick him up because things are getting pretty hectic over here. 

"Mum seriously I'm really distressed." 

Meanwhile, Ella and Mitch haven’t left bed because when they’re not actively having sex, they have to speak. And there’s nothing to… say. Really. 

In order to progress their relationship on a “deep level,” they’re asked to write down questions to ask each other - the types of things they’re curious about but are too afraid to ask. Immediately, Mitch needs to Google questions because he feels he already knows what he needs to know. About the woman he just met.

John Aiken explains that this will be difficult for Mitch, because he a) thinks this experiment is a joke and b) struggles to express basic human emotions. When John asked Mitch in an early interview about what makes him angry, Mitch couldn’t answer. Then he said… littering. 

Eventually, Mitch asks Ella "what’s the craziest place you’ve had sex?" and when she answers "the ocean", he follows up with meaningful questions such as, "but how do you lubricate with salt water?" which demonstrates curiosity but also concern for her genitals. 

But Ella is unimpressed by his questions. "Is it ever going to get to a deep place for us?" she asks, and like the man enquired about your vagina's pH levels in the presence of salty seawater, what more do you want???

Speaking of sex, Jack and Domenica share they were intimate last night and yeah. We can’t stop thinking about the logistics. 

But dear God we’re back with Anthony and Selin. 

Selin keeps being so mean to Anthony that he leaves, and then she yells at him that he left. That is their entire relationship. Nonetheless, the experts have another task for the couple.    

They’re watching each other’s audition tapes in the hopes it will rekindle their memories of why they’re here in the first place, but shut the f**k up because Selin is on her phone and it’s so rude. 

"I'm just texting my friends about how you left our honeymoon." When it ends she looks at the camera and asks, "is that it?" and LADY YOU DIDN’T EVEN WATCH. IT MIGHT BE BORING AND POINTLESS BUT MARRIED AT FIRST SIGHT LAW SAYS YOU HAVE TO PRETEND TO CARE. 

Anthony asks if she has any questions and she’s clearly like 'what no I wasn't listening'. 

He decides to go back to his apartment so Selin can finish Wordle or whatever the f**k she has to do and Selin's all like "He JuSt WaLkS aWaY" and okay, no. At some point every man/woman/child/dog will need to exit a room?  Especially when that room is inside a home that isn't theirs?? The man simply returned to his apartment to reapply a dressing to his wounded forehead, and she's all like "AND THERE HE GOES. Leaving the room again". 

Please, Selin. Ask the man how he acquired his head injury.

Meanwhile, Andrew's tough week has gotten tougher but we don't care. 

He's missing his daughter's birthday, but at least it's for a really important reason. Which is for this experiment. That he is not currently participating in. In that he and his fake wife are living in separate hotel rooms and not speaking to each other. 

"It was a sacrifice that had to be made." So, to be clear, Andrew is missing his daughter's birthday to be alone in a hotel room for no reason. Cool.

Holly bakes him cupcakes to say she's thinking of him, even though he won't look at her since she said she wants kids. 

He eats a cupcake in one bite while ignoring the note and WHY haven't you BOTH gone home yet???

Over in Cody and Selina's apartment, things are even worse. 

They've been given the photo ranking task and while Selina has the basic common sense and emotional intelligence to put Cody first, he puts her second. 

"Better not." That's when they get to the follow up task, which is to ask the other person anything.

"Is the lack of attraction due to my nationality?" Selina asks and holy s**t. 

Cody's all scratching his head and stroking his beard before he says "It did... play at it... initially" and Sir wtf. 

But he would like her, and us the audience, to know that he is definitely not racist. He just didn't like her because she was Asian. There's a difference.

"I'm open to it," he says about dating an Asian woman and FFS Cody we're not talking about pegging here, we're talking about someone's nationality??

Selina says she's suspected Cody felt like that from the start, and as she weeps into her hands we have just one thought:

An expert better yell at Cody next week.

For more MAFS commentary and lols, you can follow Clare and Jessie Stephens on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter. 

You can also listen to their comedy podcast, CANCELLED.  

Read our previous recaps here:

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 7: Sir. You did not just talk about pegging. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 6: We need to talk about Selin. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 5: Stop it. He’s doing everything for Instagram. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 4: 'The sex wasn't enjoyable for me.'

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 3: When your husband doesn't want to have sex with you.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 2: The groom who has everyone... baffled.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 1: "My wife is a psychopath."

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