Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: To the women on this show, blink twice and we'll send help.

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Hide your wives, hide your husbands, and hide your wine glasses because it's the second last MAFS dinner party!

Jono is fake-tanning Lauren's back — a real full-circle moment from Loz getting a bridesmaid to tan one of her legs at her wedding. Jono is giving gal pal vibes and while it's cute to watch, these people are not a couple! Okay!

Lauren is annoyed with her former bestie Tori for not checking in with her post-surgery. So fair! Meanwhile, Tori is saying that Lauren is 'not her favourite person' anymore. 

Assumedly, that person is Jack as they just did the sex. That's right, she got dicked down. Why? Well, it seems just to appease the rest of the group wondering when they would do it. 

"It's a big box-ticking exercise," Tori describes the act. Jack confirms their sex lasted approx 8 to 10 minutes which checks out.

'Hopefully next time, he takes his jeans off!' 

But what is more concerning is Jack's joy over Tori turning on Lauren. "Tori is finally seeing the true colours of Lauren," he gleefully states. Ah yes, a man isolating a woman from her friends is always a recipe for a healthy relationship. 

Jade admits she will break up with Ridge unless he commits to moving in with her within three months of the experiment ending. 

Lucinda is alone! Not our queen! She reveals she hasn't seen Timothy since he abandoned her in Melbourne which is a bit BLOODY YIKES. 

He's also blanked Lucinda's texts. 

Timothy!!!!!!

HOW DARE YOU. 

In a separate apartment, Timothy says that Homestays made him realise he's 'set in his ways' but noted he's 'open' to hearing what Lucinda has to say, but doesn't want to hear her 'flowery talk', which... RUDE.  

RESPECT LUCINDA AND HER RIGHT TO SPACIOUSNESS.

Eden is having another meltdown because she doesn't want to deal with the other couples' BS when Jayden will inevitably... throw her in front of the bus yet again. She is clearly not doing well but this makes Jayden angry which one could say is just his natural state. 

The cocktail party begins and Lauren and her gal pal Jono are gabbing on about Tori and Jack. "Tori goes hard for that glazed Christmas ham," she giggles, along with the experts. Perfect, no notes.

Lucinda arrives alone and the experts' faces say it all.

My friends and I facing the consequences of our actions... 

Lucinda bemoans Tim's 'man cave' which she considers 'sticky', an adjective one should never want to be associated with their home. Ridge is back on his Gossip Girl duties, sharing with the group that Jack texted him he had sex with Tori but added 'the wind emoji'. The group hypothesises that this means Jack plans to 'smoke bomb' her. 

The dreaded couple arrive. 

"So did yas????" Ridge delicately ponders. "Yeah..." Tori blankly replies. 

Not everyone believes them. But who cares because Timothy has arrived to be greeted by a welcoming hug from Lucinda, an angel among mere mortals. They are quickly having a laugh and OMG MUM AND DAD MUST GET BACK TOGETHER. 

Jayden pushed Eden to go to the dinner party. The couple are pestered with questions which the edit makes it seem like the couple just doesn't answer. They literally sit frozen until the server announces dinner has begun. 

*Still connecting to server*

At dinner, Timothy admits he planned nothing for Lucinda's Homestays due to his fragile state. "I feel bad for Lucinda, I'll take some responsibility," he says. UMMM, SOME RESPONSIBILITY?? 

He pulls her aside to apologise for his behaviour. "I felt really good seeing you tonight. I wish you would just say to me 'you're a dickhead!'" he adds. 

"You can be a prick and a dickhead!" she agrees. Ah, who says romance is dead! 

Lucinda appreciates his apology and it appears that they're back on track.

MUMMY AND DADDY ARE BACK ON LIKE DONKEY KONG. 

Sara essentially tells the group that since Tim has become more relaxed, his boring personality has gotten slightly better. "He's funnier, he's more assertive," she boasts. Ah, this is not a compliment. 

Ridge starts acting up, showing his immaturity by making crude sex jokes. "I'm not getting daddy vibes," John Aiken states in his professional opinion. 

Jono refutes my gal pal assessment by confirming he and Lauren have recently had the sex. "We did rekindle the flame," Lauren adds. 

The group turns their aim back to Jack and Tori over their plans for the future. Tori admits she's falling in love with Jack while he merely states he's 'got a lot of love for Tori'. Cop out, table one! 

"I say that about my goddamn chiropractor," Lauren replies. Timothy then fires up which I usually would love but tbh, after this past week, he doesn't have a leg to stand on. 

'Maybe only offer advice on a week where you DON'T abandon your wife, matey.' 

Tori is grilled over the same subject she's been grilled about for weeks: why does she stand by Jack despite his... personality. 

Sara says the problem is her 'not feeling' anything about the terrible things he's said or done. 

"YOU CAN'T TELL ME HOW I FEEL!!!" Tori screams back, before telling the whole dinner table she doesn't want to spend time with anyone outside of this experiment, assumedly besides Jack. 

She's officially isolated herself from everyone except her partner. Jack is loving it. 

I HATE IT HERE. 

Meanwhile, Eden is once again not in the building.

'Hello darkness, my old friend...'

Eden and Jayden flee the table, as she shares how much she's struggling with anxiety. "I don't want to go to these things and have an argument with you," she tells him. But Jayden maintains that he wants to be able to speak openly about their relationship aka yell at her over the bread basket. 

She doesn't want to engage! "I can't give you that," Eden says. "I don't think I can do this anymore."

He keeps referring to these as threats without seeing that his wife is in a mental health crisis and maybe that's a bit more important than stirring drama for a TV show. 

"She clearly really likes him but he doesn't know how to handle her anxiety," Alessandra Rampollo assesses.  

"He's talking to this vulnerable woman like he's the security guard," Mel Schilling adds. SHE'S SO RIGHT.

'ID or no dice, little lady!'

In a confessional, Eden finally opens up about how the way Jayden talks at her. She admits he treats her as his 'opponent' which makes her shutdown and end up agreeing with him so that, well, frankly... he stops harping on.

The episode ends with no real closure on the future of this couple. Do we care? Not really. 

The theme of this episode has to be: men are bad and women deserve better. With the small exception of gal pal Jono and the perpetually shell-shocked Tim, all the men are wasting their women's time and getting on their last nerve.

And on Sunday, another cheating scandal is on its way! Haven't we suffered enough?? 

This bitch is tired...

I guess not!

Catch up on our MAFS recaps here:

Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: Jack's friend chose chaos today.

Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: Never take dating advice from this man.

Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: Timothy has seen the Lucinda Light. 

Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: Timothy's breakthrough moment has broken us.

Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: The Bullsh*t Investigators take no prisoners. 

Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: Jayden's moustache made some solid points.

Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: There have just been so many lies.

Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: Don't pretend your cheating scandal is not a cheating scandal.

Tara Watson is Mamamia's Senior Entertainment Producer. For more from her, you can follow her on Instagram.

Feature image: Nine