The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 36: Things just got completely out of control.

March 27, 2019

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It’s week 47 of the ‘experiment’ and everyone needs to go back to work. You’re a burden on the economy. Including you John Aiken.

Everyone’s tired. And irritable.

Ning. We feel like you should be... across that.

The narrator tells us that Ning and Mark's relationship is "slowly evaporating" after they didn't have sexual intercourse in their dilapidated tree house in the Blue Mountains.

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The Spill

Mark feels rejected because Ning has tried to leave him twice at the commitment ceremonies and no offence but get over it.

But Ning does what all of us do when shit around us is falling apart. She starts shitting on other people's shit and, yes, we very much approve.

Listen to the latest episode of our Married at First Sight recap podcast. Post continues below...

Her target is obviously Dan and Jess.

"It's not called Husband Swap or Wife Swap it's called Married at First Sight," she says, and pause.

Wife Swap was a great show.

Continue.

Dan and Jess' presence on this show is now exclusively accompanied by Exorcist music, which works particularly well with Jess' frankly demonic smiling.

jess mafs — "Watch me turn my head 360 degrees."

"Dan and I are great people and we're even better together," Jess says. And no. To that suggestion.

Meanwhile, Heidi and Mike are having a discussion about their relationship which at this point we refuse to recap. You can find our commentary regarding the same fight they've been having for eight f*cking weeks in our recaps 1-35.

But wait there's been a breakthrough and Mike has managed to convince Heidi it's all her fault.

She starts to take responsibility for her negative attitude, and Mike says, "I'm proud of you... I was starting to think it was me there for a while."

Sir. It has always been you.

heidi mike — "Just admit you're crazy. That's all you need to do."

IT'S DINNER PARTY TIME AND THE EXPERTS ARE READY IN THEIR FORMAL WEAR.

But here's the thing.

Cam and Jules have been early to just about every dinner party. And it's definitely because they've been given a different start time to everyone else to make them look like losers.

Next to arrive are Mark and Ning and immediately they're asked about their sex life. The experts keep going on about how uncomfortable it is to discuss with the group and you LITERALLY created this situation as well as all the ensuing problems.

The contestants then start bitching about the experts, specifically how/why Dan and Jess are allowed in the experiment, which is awkward given the experts are... watching.

Always.

mafs — "That's clearly who they're talking about."

IT'S DAN AND JESS and Jess is all like "meet my new boyfriend!" and everyone's all like "Ma'am that's Tamara's husband".

They are inundated with questions to which Jess responds, "everyone needs to back off..."

Says the person who aggressively stole someone else's husband this week ffs.

But Heidi cannot.

"I just keep thinking of Mick at home with his sheep," she says, nearly in tears. "Cuddling his sheep..."

OK. He's not necessarily cuddling his sheep. The sheep wouldn't... like it.

HUSH NOW dinver is SURVED and Dan and Jess would like to make a toast to a room full of people who hate them.

"Thank you for accepting us," Jess says, far too prematurely.

Oh, sweetie no. No one has accepted this shit. What gave you the impression...? Did you mishear?

The majority of the table responds by making it clear a) they don't at all accept it, b) they will never accept it and c) have quite profound issues with both of them. Personally.

Jess continues to imagine that the group is at all invested in her relationship with Dan, and accidentally mentions the conversations they were having three weeks ago.

But, hold on.

They were married to other people three weeks ago.

And Jules doesn't like it.

"YOU GUYS ARE SO RIGHTEOUS AREN'T YOU," Martha says to Jules etc. and like... yeah. If by righteous you mean morally right.

Then. Yeah.

Martha reasons that people cheat all the time so what's the big deal and holy goodness that's a terrible argument.

"I feel like I'm in hell" Heidi says under her breath, and darling you've been here for two months now. We all have.

That's when Trish decides to drop her allocated sentence for the episode: "A BRAIN HIGH ON LOVE IS EXACTLY THE SAME AS A BRAIN HIGH ON HEROIN."

And it's confirmed.

Jess is on heroin.

That explains why she's telling the table about her sex life - more specifically, having sex with Dan during the day with the blinds wide open, which sounds... illegal.

SHHHH JOHN AIKEN IS HERE and Sir pls, you're meant to be in the cupboard.

"I need Heidi and Mike to sit in their original seats," he says and that seems like dialogue that could have been cut but okay.

John Aiken has hired people to deliver each couple an honesty box, and once they have their questions, he asks if he can please stay for one drink, to which the table unanimously replies: no.

When it comes time for Jess and Dan, Jess replies to the first question with, "I'm definitely in love with you," and ma'am, we don't mean to be cynical but by our calculations it's been one week.

The experts are... horrified. How can two people be in love so quickly when they're not even fake married?

When Jess is given the opportunity to ask any question she likes, she asks Dan whether he loves her - which is the sort of question you should always ask in a public setting, surrounded by eight ~~of your closest friends~~ people who hate you, in a scene that will soon air on national television.

He pauses for a period which is longer than their relationship thus far, and eventually answers, "I think I do".

Expert Mel lets out an audible 'oww' and yes the awkwardness is painful for all of us and we didn't like it at all.

It's Heidi and Mike's turn, and we've completely tuned out of any dialogue about their relationship given that a) we've heard it a million times and b) we don't... care.

But only we are allowed to make fun of Heidi and Mike's relationship.

Not Jess, who starts laughing during their sacred honesty box time.

Mike, who was presumably on a tangent about how Heidi is the single biggest problem in their marriage, pauses to ask: "Is this funny to you?"

"I just think you're a pig really," Jess says and um this isn't the... time.

"I CAN'T STAND YOUR FACE ANYMORE," Mike yells and goodness John Aiken is very much wishing he stayed.

Jules tries to explain that everyone pretended to care about Jess' relationship so it's only polite that she pretends to care about Mike's but she doesn't... understand.

Pause.

Imagine if Cyrell was here. There'd be no fruit for desert. That's for sure.

Continue.

Jules finally cracks it and starts yelling that there's women and there's girls in this experiment, and Jess can't seem to get her head around what she's saying and this is why.

"JULES WHY ARE YOU A WOMHAN AND WE'RE GEWLS?" she demands, forgetting that she's spent the last eight weeks spreading gossip, stealing husbands, and using the word 'allegations' in exclusively the wrong context.

When Mike starts to weigh in, Jess decides she's had enough.

Suddenly she shouts: "YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO SAY NO IN YOUR FINAL VOWS BECAUSE YOU AND HEIDI'S RELATIONSHIP IS SO BAD."