The Twins recap Married at First Sight: Lizzie is back. And we have... concerns.

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We open on Mishel stomping her feet up and down and complaining that Stacey and Michael are just “making fun of the process,” and okay, pause. 

You’re talking about an experiment that involved 20 people getting fake married on the television for no reason after being matched by fake experts whose hard (?) work led to someone recently consuming faecal matter. It would be irresponsible of all of us to not make fun of this process do you understand. 

But Michael’s pissed off too.

“How DARE they have the AUDACITY to say I don’t LOVE you,” he yells at Stacey – the woman he cheated on one week ago and then lied to about it and then forced to stay in the experiment despite her pleas to go home.

“It’s putting me in a horrible place with Stacey,” he whinges, and Sir.

You cheated after... three weeks. That's... that's probably why you're in a horrible... place.

Michael decides that he and Stacey still have a shot at winning this thing and someone really needs to tell him that this isn’t The Voice and Trish isn’t Delta Goodrem.

Meanwhile, despite having politely requested to gtfo of the experiment, Connie is trying to make her marriage work with Jonethen. "I fight for things I believe in," she says. "And I believe in us..."

LADY NO OFFENCE BUT WHY.

But shut up no one cares about any of you because Lizzie’s back. 

The experts clearly realised that with Hayley’s eviction came the loss of a number of plot lines, including but not limited to the health consequences of the pooey toothbrush. So they decided the only solution was to add more couples and FINE they’re ready to actually start trying now. 

They've found a rogue Lizzie, because apparently sometimes you've got to make a bad decision twice just to be sure. 

Last time, the experts decided to match Lizzie with a man who ended up faking a funeral to get out of their honeymoon. He then couldn't be contacted, whatsoever, probably because he was in Ibiza with da boiz and there’s no reception in the club. 

So this year, the experts knew what they had to do. They called Lizzie up and said, “we can ruin your life again? If you like?”

She explains to the camera that last time this process left her questioning everything and now she finds it hard to trust men SO YEAH SHE’D LOVE TO DO IT AGAIN COUNT HER IN.

“I want my life partner,” Lizzie says hopefully and you're not going to find that here. You will only find emptiness and loss. 

But anywho, the experts decide to match Elizabeth with Sebastian, who is “fiercely loyal” and has never not one time faked a funeral on the TV and then gone to Ibiza.

Match no. 487: Lizzie and Sebastian

Pros

• The experts swear they’re actually trying now
• Sebastian isn’t… Sam

Cons

• This show is always a terrible idea
• The experts may be even worse when they’re trying we honestly don’t know
• Sebastian grew up in a power plant (not sure if joking)

Next, the experts match a second couple and no seriously why are we getting more couples we can’t remember. 

A woman we're sure is named Kasey, until it appears on screen that it's KC (wot), explains that she realised she was never going to find love in L.A. so came back home to go on Married at First Sight which is a life decision that makes precisely no sense.

Pros:

• Nice faces, x 2
• The experts might actually be taking this seriously now, post the consumption of human poo

Cons:

• Why are there more couples
• Why do these people go on this show instead of meeting at a club like everyone else
• Why do we even pretend anymore

Meanwhile, the experts tell us that Sebastian watched last year’s season, so yeah he’s going to know Lizzie. But perhaps more importantly, if you watched last year’s season then why are you… here.

He then begins talking to himself in the mirror and sure, he knows he looks good, but he’s worried that his personality might get in the way and we feel like this is a private moment between Sebastian and... himself... that we shouldn't be privy to.

Listen to Mamamia Recaps, where we say things about Married at First Sight that we're not allowed to put in print. Post continues after audio.

BUT SHH NOW LIZZIE IS WALKING DOWN THE AISLE AND DOES SEBASTIAN RECOGNISE HER FROM THE TIME SHE DEVELOPED AN INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP WITH THE WALL IN HER HOTEL ROOM BECAUSE SHE WAS FORCIBLY STUCK THERE FOR AN ENTIRE WEEK AND THEN ENDED UP PUTTING PIZZA IN THE TOASTER YES/NO. 

They play doofus music and he smiles and we think… no.

But then, bizarrely, the music becomes.... sci-fi.

During their vows, Lizzie says that this time last year she married a stranger and Sebastian's like “wuuuut lol why did she marry a stranger so random” and mate. We’re going to need you to focus. 

It finally hits him that THIS is the very same Lizzie from the TV and he didn’t recognise her because her hair is a different colour and at this stage of the experiment we do not have the patience. For you.

They kiss and the fake celebrant says something about how they're married now, and imagine watching your daughter get fake married twice to two different strangers in the course of a year.

As Lizzie and Sebastian are having their wedding photos taken, the producers overlay audio of Lizzie's last wedding, almost as though she's having auditory hallucinations.

They would like to remind us that Lizzie got fake married before (we know) and it ended terribly (we remember) and maybe this time it will be different (it won't).

At the reception, Lizzie's mum corners Sebastian and asks if he's planning on making up a funeral anytime in the near future because she would not appreciate it.

She explains that if he cheats on Lizzie then she'll "kill him" and you're not allowed to do that but okay.

In the end, Lizzie's mum decides that Sebastian is fine, but "I thought the other fella was genuine too" and Jesus, really? Why?

Over at KC and Drew's wedding, everyone is crying because they're both so hot.

They both share with the camera that they think their match is "cute" and honestly that's further than most couples get.

Drew reads his vows to his new wife, and concludes with “Signed sealed delivered, I’m yours,” to which KC remarks that he seems really "genuine" but also "authentic" and do not be fooled KC. They are not his words they are stolen. 

Bizarrely, it seems like this is a real match and if they met at a club they would absolutely get married. It's just a shame they ended up on this experiment.

But excuse us because KC has discovered that the man she's just married, but has also only just met, lives with a woman. Her name is Jessie, and she's single, and KC is pretty fkn sure that they're sleeping together.

Drew explains that Jessie couldn't be here today, and KC knowingly remarks 'I wonder why,' and um maybe because it's her flatmate's fake wedding and she has better things to do on her weekend idk idk.