The Twins recap Married at First Sight: 'I said I didn't want a superficial, materialistic, Instagram girl.'

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We open on Mishel still reeling from the dinner party, reflecting to Steve, “I learnt a lot and worked out nothing” and omg so true.

If we were trying to explain the events of Wednesday night to a Married at First Sight novice it would go something like this:

Once upon a time there was a (fake) married couple named Aleks and Evarn who told everyone – including (fake) expert Trish – that they were not having sexual intercourse. But a different (fake) husband named Michael decided it was very important he share publicly that this was a LIE, which was corroborated by (fake) husband Josh who said Aleks and Evarn were in fact “rootin’ like rabbits”. The couple in question denied the sex rumours until Michael and Josh started yelling that Evarn TOLD them to publicly announce they’d been having sex so that Evarn could say they weren’t and protect Aleks from… (unclear). Evarn had also been winking at his friends while they lied (or told the truth we honestly don’t know) for him. BUT THEN THERE’S A SERBIAN NAMED BEN WHO ALEKS MET AT A SERBIAN FESTIVAL OBVIOUSLY. According to Michael, who is difficult to trust given the time he cheated on his (fake) wife and lied about it, Aleks went on a date with Serbian Ben and said she was excited to keep seeing him. But Aleks says she just went to LUNCH with her friend GEORGIA and a 50-year-old man who owned the RESTAURANT and okay if it that’s true then where (and who) the f*ck is Ben.

Steve's eyes are darting around the room trying to remember details from last night and he shouts "HOW 'BOUT THE MAN WITH THE BEARD" and we think that's... Ben... but also Sir his facial hair isn't relevant.

Lizzie is liking the gossip which is all well and good except for the fact she thinks Ivan's name is Evorn when ffs it's obviously 'IVAN' but pronounced 'Evarn' and this is why you needed to be here from the beginning. 

Somehow the (unlikely) byproduct of all this drama is that Michael has become a victim and you better believe he is wearing that badge very proudly.

"Evarn has been a slimey little character hasn't he!" he yells, as the memory of him cheating on Stacey and then lying about it for two weeks fades from public memory. He tells Stacey he hopes Evarn and Aleks turn up to the Commitment Ceremony so Evarn can "tell the truth for once in his life," and since when did Michael become the moral backbone of this sh*tshow.

Oh.

Well. Michael is going to be very upset.

Aleks and Evarn, now living separately, each tell the camera they're leaving the experiment. "I DON'T HAVE TO JUSTIFY MYSELF TO ANYONE," Aleks says and like... yes you do?? We need to know about Ben??? Like ASAP?

Evarn makes some weird speech full of... new lies and we're genuinely really pissed they're not coming to the Commitment Ceremony because our night just got 45 per cent more boring.

BUT IT'S TIME and it's John Aiken's job to tell everyone that Aleks and Evarn are snakes.

"Evarn and Aleks won't be attending," he begins, before going around the circle and inviting everyone to articulate exactly how they feel. About. That.

"THEY'RE GUTLESS," Michael spits, while Stacey declares, "THEY THINK THEY'RE BETTER THAN US".

But, pause.

Because Sir Steve Aiken is ready to speak.

"It's disrespectful," he says, highlighting that they've disrespected not only each contestant personally, but also his eldest son, Sir John Aiken.

Michael would like it known that he is something of a hero, given that when he cheated on his wife, he at least turned up and lied about it.

But it's time for Steve and Mishel to take their place on the couch and we're so confused and fairly certain your relationship is deeply toxic to yourselves and everyone around you.

Steve says Mishel is one of the most beautiful people he's ever met - inside and out - and that he loves her. "Romantically?" Trish asks, to which he basically responds "No, not really," and HEH?

They both decide to stay, with Mishel acknowledging there are only "a couple of weeks left" and whatsorryareyousure.

Next up are Stacey and Michael, and John asks immediately what she thought of seeing Michael's wealth up close, did she get to sit in his home cinema etc. etc.

Stacey says that she could see herself living in Michael's house, mostly because of his stainless steel appliances but also his solar heated pool and the experts feel very proud.

They both agree to stay, not least because of their shared interest in Michael's wealth.

Now it's time for Jonethen and Connie, whose relationship is going well other than the fact Jonethen hasn't consented to it for seven days now.

They explain how their major hurdle has been Jonethen's desire not to be in this particular relationship, before Connie reveals that she'll be staying because you shouldn't ever give up on your hopes/dreams.

Sweetie. Sometimes we need to let people break up with us. That way, they can't dump us again next week. Do you see?

But alas, Connie does not see. Jonethen proceeds to break up with her for the second time in one week which Connie finds a bit embarrassing.

Jonethen tries to make her feel better by saying that he was kind of hoping she'd write "Stay" so he could see where she's from and everyone promptly loses their shit.

"You're sending Connie pretty mixed signals..." expert Mel says and what don't you people understand about breaking up with someone. TWO TIMES.

HOW MUCH CLEARER CAN THE MAN BE WITHOUT PLACING A TOOTHBRUSH IN THE TOILET FOR GOODNESS SAKE.

At this point, everyone turns on Jonethen, accusing him of being "on the fence" and WHAT is WRONG with YOU PEOPLE.

Next, it's Lizzie and Seb's turn and no offence but we have zero investment in the success of your relationship because this experiment is a failure and you are simply six weeks behind.

Unsurprisingly, they choose to stay, and Trish says 'it's lovely to be around love isn't it?' and you wouldn't know anything about that because you only bring about pain. 

Speaking of pain, KC and Drew are telling the experts about their lovely week, which involved KC throwing out everything of sentimental value to Drew, and Drew telling KC she was materialistic, superficial and fundamentally 'not his type'.

Cool.

Drew tells the experts that KC's idea of a relationship is being a "kept woman," to which she doesn't object, and he says he's made a conscious effort in his life to stay away from status and money and fame.

Of course, that begs the question, why are you currently appearing on Australia's trashiest reality show, but we digress.

Ultimately, Drew says he's been matched with someone with different values, which KC disagrees with, because one of her values is 'love' (that's not a value but okay).

The experts are speechless because they accidentally forgot about values, which was Mel's job?? Or John's job??? IDK.

They both decide to stay because honestly if people chose to leave simply because they didn't get along/had nothing in common/didn't think there was long-term potential, the show wouldn't... exist.

The last couple are Josh and Cathy, who haven't spoken since Josh spoke about Cathy to his mum, in front of her.

Cathy explains to the experts that it feels like Josh is trying to embarrass her in public (he is) because he acts like everything is chill and then exclusively brings up their issues in front of large groups of people (he does).

After an emotional exchange between Josh and Cathy, Mel says, "nawww but u guys were so kewwwt when u first came in!" and how is that... helpful.

They both decide to leave, which means we have five couples left, almost all of whom have no chance of a real relationship - a frankly horrifying success rate.

But that's when we hear it. News that makes us gasp and yell in protest.

There's one Commitment Ceremony left, announces Sir John Aiken. Then the couples will make their final decisions.

Okay. WHAT THE F*CK.

We thought we were like halfway through this, but now we're super close to the end AND OUR CORONAVIRUS CONTINGENCY PLAN WAS 85 PER CENT RELIANT ON THIS FRANCHISE.

UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.

For more gossip and lols, you can follow Clare and Jessie Stephens on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter. You can also join our Facebook group, Married at First Sight Lols.

Catch up on all the recaps:

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 24: A big sex lie is laid bare.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 23: Ivan. Is. HEARTBROKEN. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 22: 'You're the unhealthiest person I know.'

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 21: The experts were just called out. Publicly.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 20: A very dramatic dinner party storm out.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 19: "I'm not attracted to you. Physically."

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 18: Lizzie is back. And we have... concerns.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 17: Um. A couple was just forcibly removed from the experiment. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 16: That's the most messed up thing we've ever seen on TV.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 15: IT'S A GODDAMN CHEATIN' SCANDAL.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 14: The fight that ruined David and Hayley.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 13: "I want to apologise to the gay community."

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 12: The penis that broke a marriage.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 11: Hayley and David are having 'unconventional sex'.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 10: The wrong bride just quit her marriage.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 9: We need to talk about consent.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 8: A dinner party turns... violent. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 7: When sex is a very bad idea.