The Twins recap Married at First Sight: We need to talk about Ivan. Immediately.

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OI SHUT UP THERE ARE MORE COUPLES THAT NONE OF US NEED BUT PRECISELY ALL OF US WANT.

We open on Connie, who’s studying to be a scientist and no offence but shouldn’t you be better at… interrogating this… experiment.

She says it’s time to put herself out of her comfort zone, which is usually a good idea, except when it comes to, for example, participating on Australia’s most unsuccessful dating show.

Speaking of Australia’s most unsuccessful dating show, the experts have decided they have the perfect match for Connie: A FIFO worker named Jonethen.

He reflects on how family health issues have inspired him to find love, which sounds authentic but we just don’t see how that relates to him going on Married at First Sight.

Watch: The Experts – Uncut. Post continues after video.

So for match number 506, we have:

Connie and Jonethen

Pros:

• Neither of them are Ivan (more on this later)
• Seem like nice, albeit gullible, people

Cons:

• Accidentally ended up on reality television despite their better judgement
• Will get eaten, physically and spiritually, by the other contestants

Oh.

Oh.

It’s Ivan, and he doesn’t know how to pronounce his own name.

Sir, we don't mean to be rude, but YOU introduced YOURSELF with the WRONG pronunciation and it makes things incredibly confusing.

Evarn goes to his parent's place to introduce them to his new friends - Channel 9 - and tries to whisper to his mum, 'can you stop acting so much' and omg stop. No one speaks to Evarn's mum like that on camera. This is literally her home. It's her reality TV show too.

He mentions he's been labelled obnoxious and no sh*t you were just super rude to your mum on national television.

Flustered, the experts try to match Evarn with someone. Anyone. For reasons that are never explained, they land on Aleks.

Her parents are Serbian. And they're super pissed off she's on Married at First Sight. We're not convinced the two things are related, but, as always, we blindly accept the storyline.

Evarn and Aleks

Pros:

• Are both real estate agents so can talk about... that
• Both have cultural heritages (not the same)

Cons:

• Evarn wants to control people - unlikely Aleks will want to be controlled
• Will hate each other. Instantly.
• Evarn keeps telling everyone not to act, which is rude

But it's time to meet Connie's mum who has a) watched Married at First Sight and b) fckn hates it.

When Connie says she's getting married, her mum laughs hysterically before yelling "YOU HAVEN'T GOT A BOYFRIEND" and omg you can't just tell someone they don't have a boyfriend.

Connie's sister has to wipe tears from her eyes she's laughing so hard and holy sh*t this is 100 per cent how our family would react if we told them we were going on TV for no reason.

At this point, Connie is understandably embarrassed and sheepishly explains that she's marrying a stranger. It turns out her mum is the ONLY parent in the HISTORY of this show to have actually HEARD of award-winning, ratings-dominating documentary series, Married at First Sight.

When she realises what Connie has done, she stares down the barrel of the camera, and with her eyes, she says: Get. The. F*ck. Out.

"I can't stand that show," she says. "Feel so sorry for the people on that show."

"It's stupid."

So true.

It's at this point that Connie's mother looks at her and attempts to whisper under her breath, "You can pull out... you haven't signed anything".

Narrator: Oh, but honey. Connie had signed something.

We watch in HORROR as Connie and her mother attempt to discuss the PARTICULARITIES of the CONTRACT without the camera KNOWING and Connie has to eventually look her mother in the eye and admit: "It's... it's going forward."

Connie. Sweetie. Did you... read the contract? 

Over at Evarn's house, his mum is performing at the piano while self-consciously looking at the camera as if to say, "I've always been told I have a lovely singing voice..."

Evarn keeps swearing and it's like okay she's also actually kind of cute and you're the one who invited the TV into her personal home.

At the dinner table, he reveals that he's not actually here for a real estate programme (??) but because he's getting married to a stranger and there's only so many of these conversations we can take.

Evarn's mum has been told at least a dozen times to stop looking at the camera but she CAN'T because it's right there and she just wants to shout out to her good friend Fran who will be so excited when she hears about all of this.

IT'S WEDDING TIME NOW IF EVERYONE COULD JUST COLLECT THEMSELVES FOR A MOMENT.

Evarn is putting deodorant on his feet and we don't like it one single bit. To top it off, he slides his shoes on with a godforesaken shoe horn and Aleks has no idea what she's in for.

That's when the bag is delivered. By a strange man. Wearing Nike TNs. And a mask.

A paper bag. With white powder in it.

The producer suddenly realises he's just witnessed a drug deal and will be in a lot of trouble if he doesn't follow it up so asks like he's just one of the bros, "hey... what's in the bag?"

Evarn says it's powder. For his jocks (??).

But we think it's cocaine. For his nose. Area.

Having consumed an illicit substance on prime time television, Evarn arrives excitedly at his wedding.

Listen to our Married at First Sight podcast recap, where we cry laughing because this show is so ridiculous. Post continues below. 

After staring at his mother with disdain for approximately 45 minutes, he sees his bride, and decides "she has a great face".

For reasons that will never be clear to us, they seem to... like each other.

"At this point, I don't see there being any possibility of anything going wrong," Evarn says and we see one million possibilities but okay.

At the reception, while Evarn is off telling one of his friends that his new wife is a 'sick bitch,' Aleks manages to befriend Evarn's mum. Suddenly, the idea arises that she should sing. For the entire room. And all of Australia.

As she somehow wrangles the microphone from the hands of an innocent man who was in charge of MCing this fake wedding reception, Evarn's father squeals like a pig. He's so excited because he knows his 30-year-old son is going to lose it.

For some reason, vampire music plays as Evarn's mum prepares to sing, and then it begins:

It's alarmingly average.

Evarn yells to his mum, 'YOU'RE EMBARRASSING YOURSELF' and sir the only embarrassing thing right now is you and your televised drug use.

After their wedding day, Evarn and Aleks go to their hotel room and... oh.

For some reason, Evarn feels entirely comfortable going to bed wearing only his underpants and for the first time, Aleks starts to understand.

Meanwhile, it's Connie's big day and her mum is telling the camera crew she "doesn't class this as a real wedding". The experts would be horrified, but she's also correct in that this isn't a real wedding.

"I can't stand your show," she tells a cameraman who isn't quite sure what to... do with that information. She scoffs that it doesn't really matter what she says because he'll probably just manipulate it anyway and yeah he will but so?

It should be said that Connie's mum is two things:

• The single smartest woman to ever appear on this show, and
• All of us who don't agree - philosophically - with a failed social experiment that humiliates people, but will be there nonetheless. In the front row. Supporting Connie. With our makeup and hair professionally done. And a fresh spray tan.

To the great relief of Connie's mum, it would appear her daughter's match isn't one of those 'joke' ones. Nonetheless, when she's asked whether she thinks he's the right man for her daughter, she replies, "ummm. Na. No, I don't actually."

Omg neither. 

But legit, Jonethen seems... nice. And... kind. After he gives a speech at the wedding reception, acknowledging how his dad's health struggles have affected him, Connie's mum decides that she quite likes Married at First Sight and will be watching for the rest of the season.

Maybe, despite their appalling track record, their fake science, and their waning interest in the process, the experts know a thing or two about love.

But probs not.

UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.

For more gossip and lols, you can follow Clare and Jessie Stephens on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter. You can also join our Facebook group, Married at First Sight Lols.

Catch up on all the recaps:

The Twins recap Married at First Sight: "I'm just not attracted to you."

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 3: When your mother-in-law... hates you.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 2: STOP. They're ruining same sex marriage, too.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 1: Poppy does NOT want to be here.