The Twins recap Married at First Sight: In conclusion, everyone cheated. Especially Stacey.

April 5, 2020

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ALL WE’VE THOUGHT ABOUT FOR FIVE DAYS IS WHETHER STACEY OR MIKEY IS LYING DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT DOES TO A PERSON?

We’ve yelled questions at strangers as we’ve gone on social distancing walks around the block, “DO YOU RECKON STACEY HAD SEX WITH MIKEY Y/N”, and mostly they’ve said… yes.

All we want tonight are some answers and if possible the specific condom Mikey used to be presented as evidence in the court of Married at First Sight Cheating Law.

The experts begin by welcoming back all the participants and holy sh*t they really did ruin a lot of people’s lives this year. When you see them all… together. In the same… room.

Clare and Jessie Stephens

April 5, 2020

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But excuse you there's tension.

"You had your chance this morning. That's when you should've apologised," Michael says to Stacey through gritted teeth and yes, please go on.

"Now you've left it too late," he says before Stacey replies, "Do what you want bro" AND DID YOU CHEAT OR NO BECAUSE WE DON'T EVEN HAVE HALF A REASON TO THINK YOU DIDN'T.

They decide to open with a little video package and don't you dare show us those weddings again don't you dare.

But alas we are forced to witness 24 people watch back their own weddings and then applaud themselves because they were on the television.

Afterwards, Sir John Aiken asks Amanda why she's inconsolably crying, and she says, "Just disappointed..." and yes. What a summary.

The first couple on the couch are Connie and Jonethen and if they show us another flashback of Connie crying in an aquarium...

And we’re doing flashbacks. Of aquariums. And relationships. That we’ve watched. For almost three months now.

Why are we looking back at what happened on occasions such as last Tuesday night when we have far more important things to do in our lives such as f*cking nothing.

The only moment of redemption, of course, is a reminder of the time Connie’s mum yelled YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE A BOYFRIEND and then told the camera, ‘I don’t like that show,’ and everyone laughs because in hindsight, they don’t either.

But instead of focusing on the tension between Connie’s mum and everyone involved in the making of the award-winning documentary series Married at First Sight, we revisit how Connie’s self-esteem was somehow improved by being forced into a relationship with a man who didn’t particularly like her.

Everyone claps, but the focus on Connie’s personal growth is rudely interrupted by whispers from another couple.

"Should we leave?" Evarn asks Aleks and omg that would be so mean like Trish did her hair for this??

John then summons them both to the couch, mostly to yell at them about that time they ran away from the experiment without giving us any gossip.

Evarn explains they were ‘heavily pressured in the walls of this experiment,’ and even though he’s 100 per cent referring to Trish’s obsession with their intimacy, she smiles politely and wonders who this nice man is and why he’s being filmed.

Aleks then announces that while she and Evarn were not together when they left the experiment, she soon realised she loved this man, and we have so many questions including what happened to your Serbian boyfriend and how did you go from dark brown to blonde so seamlessly.

Everyone’s mad because this show is confusing enough without people lying for no reason, so Josh starts yelling about the time Evarn asked the boiz to bring up gossip at the dinner party then tried to defend his wife… against it.

Mishel tries to involve Michael in the fighting but he’s like ‘na I’ve got my own sh*t’ and eugh so true less about the lies that don't make sense and more about the life-ruining cheating scandals.

Next up are Mishel and Steve, and Jesus we thought the 'Steve is John Aiken's dad' joke would get old by the end of the season but they really do look strikingly related.

Mishel begins by explaining that all she wanted was an open mouth kiss, and like she'd open mouth kiss everyone in this room, so like?? Why wouldn't he just put his tongue inside her mouth and rest it on her tongue for a moment even if he didn't feel like it??? Why?

Expert Mel agrees that they should have put their tongues inside of each other's mouths and takes a deep breath before embarking on her once in a season moment.

"When you show up to your relationship every day and say, 'I'm not sexually attracted to you', you're rejecting her," she tells Steve, before having a rest and a coffee break and asking for a pay rise.

mel — 'It's very important I share my opinion now, once you've already come to it yourself.'

Steve nods but looks at John. Because they both know that John conscripted him to this show against his will because they couldn't make up the numbers. And then is silent at the family dinner table while his mother, Helen, yells at Steve for getting fake married on the television while he was already married with children.

OH.

But now it's Hayley and David and goodness how we've missed you.

We think that David might have gotten in trouble for the (revolting) lime green Hawaiian shirt he wore to the dinner party, so now he's in a three piece tux including a waistcoat. Which is... a lot. For a... Sunday night.

John reminds David how naughty it was when he put human faeces on Hayley's toothbrush and then she used it three to four times and David says yea lol soz which is a wildly insufficient apology but we'll allow it because get the f*ck to Stacey.

Mikey is confronted about his cheating scandal on Married at First Sight. Post continues after video.

Video by Channel 9

Hayley concludes, "One of the reasons you guys matched us is because we’re so focussed on growth and self improvement," and the experts exclaim in agreements, "YEAH YEP THAT WAS IT YEAH THAT." Except for Trish who whispers, "I thought we matched them so there'd be a pooey toothbrush subplot?" and John shakes his head ferociously insisting she gets easily confused.

Quickly moving on, John turns everyone’s attention to Cheating Scandal Part 1 of the season, and yes someone has found an incriminating quote from Stacey.

“Why would you come out to Australia and say you’ve hooked up with someone...” she tells the camera. “If that was me I’d be going to the grave with that.”

"THAT'S POIGNANT" Hayley yells and wow that is absolutely the correct use of the word poignant.

But Sir John doesn't have anymore time for games. This is his Cheating Court, and for now, Michael is on trial.

Michael maintains that he doesn't remember, but then Vanessa pipes up and shouts that she saw it with her own two eyes and so did Chris. But Chris interrupts to say that he did not see it and Michael declares "IT'S LIKE TRYING TO READ A RUBIK'S CUBE" and WOT Sir do you even know what a Rubik's Cube is?

Judge John Aiken then welcomes Mikey to the stand.

He highlights that there are two key witnesses, and an additional two people that can neither confirm or deny and thus "in the court of law, you're guilty".

Listen: Our Married at First Sight recap podcast where we say all the things we're not allowed to put on the internet. Post continues after audio.

CHEATING COURT IS OUR FAVOURITE KIND OF COURT DO YOU UNDERSTAND.

Michael and Stacey admit to the judge that they are no longer together due to the cheating allegations and that's when Trish wakes up.

"Mikey you’re saying one thing and Stacey is saying another," she summarises and... yeah. That's why we haven't... slept in a week??

Stacey - lacking the energy of someone being falsely accused of cheating - says, "We never had a one night stand Mikey," and why aren't you more... mad.

She insists that she supported Michael even when there was doubt but he won't support her even though it's looking increasingly like she had sex with Mikey and... that sounds like the kind of argument you use when you cheated. On your husband. And don't want to... talk about it. Anymore.

John Aiken then calls on his last witness, Evarn, who claims Stacey "pretty much" told him they had sex and something about returning clothes and another text and we have never been more certain of anything as we are that Stacey had sex with Mikey and then returned his clothes in a Mecca bag do you hear.

Aware that this situation is getting less clear the more they discuss it, John invites ‘our final couple up’ and pause.

We’re no mathematicians but you missed… so many people.

cathy — 'I thought I'd at least get a free therapy session out of this ffs.'

Like almost half the couples.

And Tash and Amanda would’ve been interesting? Like do they still hate each other we deserve to know?

The final couple to speak to the experts are Liz and Seb and EUGH you literally have one and a half remaining marriages out of 12 and you’re trying to leave this on a positive note so we go to bed thinking this double-cheating-scandal, pooey-toothbrush, self-esteem-destroying experiment was a… success?

But also… continue.

Lizzie can’t stop smiling because never not even once did her second fake husband make up a funeral so he could abandon their marriage.

But Seb would like to address the room.

He essentially says that even though you’re all f*cked, and your marriages are broken, including yours Evarn and Aleks because no one knows why you’re lying but you definitely are, it’s okay.

Because you will find love. Maybe with a reality star from another show. Love Island, for example. Maybe you’ll become Instagram influencers like his good friend Lizzie over here, and this will all be worth it.

The experts are ecstatic because they have somehow tricked this grown man into thinking he wasn't exploited for the purposes of the nation's entertainment.

As Lizzie admits that she's 'getting there' in terms of falling in love with Seb, and Seb physically cannot stop crying, John Aiken can't contain his excitement.

'See, it works,' he says with his eyes.

But no, Sir. It really, really... doesn't.

UNTIL NEXT YEAR.

For more gossip and lols, you can follow Clare and Jessie Stephens on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter. You can also join our Facebook group, Married at First Sight Lols.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 35: 'Stacey had sex with my husband on our anniversary.'

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 34: The most brutal rejection in MAFS history.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 33: A misleading set of final vows.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 32: When you accidentally break up with your wife.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 31: Michael and Stacey need to break up already.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 30: 'How dare you bring my kids into this.'

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 29: We need to talk about the alleged cheating video.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 28: "I'm actually speechless."

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 27: The 'feedback' no one wanted.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 26: You cannot force your husband to have sex with you.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 25: 'I said I didn't want a superficial, materialistic, Instagram girl.'

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 24: A big sex lie is laid bare.