Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: Never take dating advice from this man.

March 17, 2024

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Welcome back, pals!

Ridge is pondering the universe's greatest question: is that a punnet of blueberries in your pants or... IS IT HOMESTAYS WEEK?

YES, YES IT IS, RIDGE.

I actually love this silly, silly man.

But wait, Timothy is sad. He admits he's emotionally exhausted from his recent breakthrough and feeling too depleted to keep offloading his emotions and reliving his trauma.

The formerly smug couple, Eden and Jayden, are no longer smug. Jayden admits that when he brings up his thoughts and feelings, Eden shuts him down.

But Eden does not appear to be in the building right now — she's miles away.

The lights are on but no one's home.

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And then suddenly, she really isn't in the building — Eden has fled the experiment to get some space. She skips out on their flight home to the Gold Coast. It's a runaway bride situation as Jayden boards the flight on his own.

Jonathan reunites with Lauren in her hometown of Perth after she temporarily left the experiment to get a blood clot removed from her shoulder.

"They sucked that f**ker out," she shared. Never change, Lauren.

She introduces him to 'the other man in her life' who will be sharing their marital bed... Big Ted.

"Shake his hand! Look him in the eye!" Lauren instructs. This is getting... weird.

'Looking for a third?'

Lucinda arrives at Timothy's Melbourne home and immediately.... I have questions.

What's with all the teddy bears?

Why doesn't the wardrobe have doors?

AND WHY IS THERE AN INDUSTRIAL PHOTOCOPIER IN THE ROOM?

Tim is growing an apple tree on his balcony beside an inflatable hot tub... which is a wonderful idea! Seriously, men left on their own really make some choices.

But wait, Jayden is now homeless. Without a wife, he's taken to the Gold Coast streets, setting up camp beside parked cars and leaning up against random trees.

'It's a daaamn cold night *checks notes* actually it's a balmy 28 degrees.'

Eden 'missed her flight' and she's on 'the next flight' aka she ditched the experiment to probs have a self-care two hours browsing homewares at Kmart. We've all been there, girlie. No judgment.

The saddest music in history plays as Jayden waits for his bride. Calm down, producers. He's fine. Go to the beach! Go buy some gelato! Cut your damn hair! (Sorry sorry, I'm projecting!)

Eden arrives and shares that she's been left upset over all their bickering. She admits she hates rehashing the past over and over again.

"I think our issues need to be addressed in order for us to resolve them," she says.

Ah yes, that's how... relationships literally function at the most basic level.

'Yeah, no sh*t...'

At the beach, the couple walk Eden's dog Cub and talk it out. Eden apologises for snapping at him, as if this man doesn't speak to his wife like a Cub's dogsh*t with every new interaction.

"I can't change the past," she tells him. "I know, but we're DISCUSSING it," he snaps. You can't make this stuff up.

Ugh, I suddenly hate this couple. Get them off my screen.

Like clockwork, Lauren and Jono appear. Okay, these two might not be a couple in any real sense, but I don't want to stab my eyes out when they appear... so that's, something!

Lauren introduces her friend Mackenzie to her husband. Even before meeting Jono, she hates him. "Right maaatch... no!" she slurs. "She needs someone to handle her wrath!"

Mackenzie makes Lauren look like a normal, well-adjusted person.

'Jono? More like HELL NO!'

Mackenzie asks whether Jono is capable of showing a variety of emotions. Lauren admits she enjoys Jono's calm side which coincidentally is his only side.

Against the odds and the words she uttered literally 10 mins ago, Mackenzie likes Jono. The couple goes to the beach and while swimming in the ocean, they cuddle for approx three-seconds (to fill their intimacy quota until final vows).

Lucinda meets Timothy's friends, Rachel and Shane, and he shares he's feeling extra pressure. "Talking about my feelings and emotions... I need time and space," he says in a confessional.

This doesn't sound good. Are Mum and Dad going on a break??

"Everyone likes emotional Tim but Tim doesn't like emotional Tim," he adds.

'I'm dead inside and I like it that way.'

Shane tells Lucinda that Timothy is a "doter" who "loves to take care of people" which... is news to Lucinda.

"I don't want a casual situationship... where I'm not getting my basic needs met," Lucinda says in confessional.

Eden meets up with Jayden's family, including ex-contestant Mitch who speaks more about emotions than he ever did in his actual relationship with 2022 bride, Ella. But Eden is OVER IT, she doesn't want to talk.

Mitch pulls his brother aside as Jayden relays Eden complaining about how little he does for her.

"That's hard," Mitch replies. "I would struggle if I had a woman trying to control me. I'd be biting it in the arse straight away." Umm, that's not what happened.

THE AUDACITY OF THIS MAN GIVING ANYONE ADVICE ABOUT ANYTHING.

There are more holes in Jayden's advice than in his top.

As expected, Tim has digressed. He tells Lucinda he 'feels flat' and in the morning, he wants to get up and say nothing. It's harsh but I hard relate to wanting zero human interaction until at least 10:45am each day.

"Sometimes I want it to just be me and the dogs, they don't talk," he tells Lucinda. As the angel she is, Lucinda validates his feelings before he decides to go out for some solo time.

But he goes out with a friend, leaving Lucinda at his home for hours with no contact. "It speaks volumes, it's about him not wanting to see me," she says in her confessional.

The next day, Lucinda organises a picnic to talk things through with Timothy. They sit in silence. THIS IS PAINFUL.

Timothy is oblivious to Lucinda's concerns. "What's going on?" Lucinda raised he said he wanted to be alone but then it became clear he wanted to be away from her.

She finally admits he hasn't made her 'feel welcome' or 'let her in' the entire experiment.

'What's the big deal, I just want to be alone with one friend, two dogs and an industrial photocopier.'

Timothy gets heated as he explains how he's been feeling flat lately. But Lucinda reminds him throughout the experiment, he's felt flat multiple times, which she considers 'moody'.

He storms off. "I can't, there's too many words," Timothy tells Lucinda, which coincidentally is what I said to my editor when she asked me to pen a love letter to Lucinda.

But I'm not as grumpy as this man. "I don't want to f**king talk! F**k me," he shouts, as he wanders into a park.

Lucinda is left to pick up the pieces. "Those gates around his heart and soul must be really lonely," she says in her confessional, as she breaks into tears. "But I deserve better than this."

YES YOU DO, LUCINDA.

Lucinda packs up the picnic and leaves. I hope this is a break and not a break-up.

'I might be called Lucinda Light but this is dimming my bulb.'