Mamamia recaps Married at First Sight: When you 'cheat' in the very first episode.

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There are only a few of guarantees in life: death, taxes and the fact that each year, a new group of people who want to find love, but mostly just become influencers, will fake marry strangers on television for our entertainment.

Welcome to MAFS season 10. Ten! That's a lot of fake marriages that didn't make it!

We open on a wedding reception and a bride gushing to a friend that her new fake husband is nice. The bar is on the floor already and we're literally 10 seconds into it.

"You see coz there's this thing called 'affiliate links'..."

Her friend then says "I need to tell you something" and OMFG, it's going to be like a murder mystery series where we see the murder drama first and then trace back the steps to see how it happened.

There are bleeps and dramatic music and a "WHAT", before the camera cuts to a montage of MAFS reminding us how important and... genuine it is. You can't just pretend you care about love when you purposely match two completely incompatible strangers, Channel Nine! We aren't stupid! We will never forget Dan and Elizabeth!

ANYWAY. IT'S BEEN TWO MINUTES AND THIS IS ALREADY SUCH A MESS.

It's the Hens and Bucks nights, and we open on a bride named Lyndall.

Lyndall was born with Cystic Fibrosis and didn't think she'd make it to 30, so she never prioritised love.

Good. Lord. 

This is a lot for a show that's infamous for fruit bowl throwing and a man dunking his fake wife's toothbrush in the toilet.

But Lyndall has recently started a new medication which statistically adds 40 years(!) to life expectancy, so she's excited to establish a future for herself.

I just feel like... you're too... sweet for this

Six minutes into the first episode of Married At First f***ing Sight and I'm teary. A plot twist for the ages.

The bride whose friend told her a secret about a murder her husband at the reception arrives and KEEP YOUR EYES OUT FOR CLUES ABOUT THE KILLER DRAMA.

And then a lady named Melissa pops up on screen and talks about her love of sex for two full hours.

At the Bucks night, we meet Cameron, who has a lot of hair but not a lot of relationship experience, and a number of other miscellaneous men. 

Man bun number two arrives and the first words out of his mouth are: "Most people when they first meet me would describe me as pretty arrogant and cocky".

He says his confidence comes from "being an individual" which is definitely the worst reason for confidence in the entire world. He is but one of approximately 8.05 billion individuals.

Anyway, his name is Jesse and his list of turnoffs is so long that one can only assume he just hates women.

"Other people's voices are such an ick"

A bunch of other men arrive including Duncan who is Very Hot, and Harrison who thinks he is Very Hot and promises that if we find another Very Hot Man he'll beat him by 10 per cent.

Buddy. You are a human person. Or as Jesse would say, an individual. Please do not infer you are like Australian institution and home of the snag, Bunnings Warehouse.

At the Hens night, we meet Melinda, who runs four businesses and has great eyebrows.

She finds herself in a discussion with Melissa, who cannot stop yelling the words "f*** boys" and shames her for maybe not planning to have sex with her fake husband on the first night.

AND CAN SOMEONE TELL MELISSA THAT THOR IS NOT GOING TO BE AT THE ALTAR FOR HER. REALLY SORRY BUT HE IS ALREADY MARRIED AND LIVES IN A BYRON BAY HOUSE THAT IS THE SIZE OF A MALL.

On a more important note, the experts have arrived to tell the group literally nothing.

"And at-home teeth whitening kits. For free."

Anyway, they've matched Lyndall with Cameron and... dare I say... it feels like a good one?

When it all blows up in two episodes' time, I will come back here and delete that line. 

Lyndall says she is hopeful because her new CF medication means she's able to "be an old person" and I just????

STOP. 

THAT IS SO BEAUTIFUL. 

Now that she can imagine herself with grey hair and a hip replacement, she's put her faith in the experts to find her a "forever love". Look. I like Lyndall, so for now I will not point out that's DEFINTIELY A MISTAKE BECAUSE THE EXPERTS ARE FUNDAMENTALLY TERRIBLE AT THEIR JOBS.

For now, she and Cameron feel like that one fluke couple that might actually work, not because of any legitimate skill from John Aiken, et al. but because... idk, even a broken clock is right twice a day.

It's time for Bronte and Harrison.

Harrison says he gets told that 'girls think he's hot' and hearing those words come out of his mouth means he's not hot anymore. Those are just the rules.

But then he cries when talking about how much he loves his son and misses seeing him daily since his breakup, which brings back a teeny bit of hot.

He says faithfulness is important to him which 100 per cent means he's going to be involved in some kind of cheating scandal.

Before Bronte arrives at the wedding, one of her bridesmaids says "you're a lucky man", to which Harrison replies "she's not doing too badly herself".

OKAY SO THERE MIGHT ACTUALLY BE A MURDER.

No seriously this is the face of a woman who watched the Ted Bundy Netflix series and did not think it was 'too much'. She's listened to Serial. She considers Elliot Stabler and Olivia Benson to be family. SHE COULD GET AWAY WITH IT.

THAT WOMAN HATES HIM AND HONESTLY FAIR ENOUGH.

They say their vows blah blah blah can we get to the possible murder please!

They walk out of the ceremony happy, but then the camera pans to Jessica, who is about to f*** sh*t UP.

At this point everyone is a suspect

She says she was warned about Harrison??? 

That he's pretending to be someone he's not???

AND SHE HAS PROOF???

But first we have to watch Lyndall and Cameron bond over curry and COME ON WE HAVE A LITERAL (not a literal) CRIME TO INVESTIGATE.

Over at the murder scene, Harrison is buttering up his new fake father-in-law while accomplice Jessica just sort of... watches.

He then introduces himself to her with a "we haven't met!" and I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IS HAPPENING BUT I LOVE IT. She asks if he is here for the right reasons and he is pulled away by literally no one which is VERY CONVENIENT ISN'T IT HARRISON.

So Jessica grabs Bronte for a chat to destroy her fake marriage and WE ARE RIGHT BACK WHERE WE STARTED.

What a journey it has been to this moment. We've shed tears over people too pure for this car crash of a show, heard Melissa talk about being a 'freak in the sheets' approximately 87 times and learned that Harrison truly loves Harrison. 

Jessica tells Bronte she has a friend from Sydney who told her about a man she was dating who was going on MAFS but promised to be with her after the experience and in what world is that an enticing option???? 

I think as a sisterhood we should all join hands and vow to never wait for a dude to fake marry someone on TV for 15 minutes of fame. Just an idea.

Jessica has receipts of Harrison being a dirty dog in the form of photos and HOY BOY I JUST REALLY STRONGLY FEEL LIKE YOU SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED TO FAKE MARRY SOMEONE ON TV WHEN YOU HAVE GIRLFRIEND.

Jessica tells Bronte all the things: Harrison has a son, he said it would be funny if he got the outside girlfriend pregnant before he went on the show and yesterday she sent a photo to the group chat of the suitcase he was packing for the show.

INSANE

Bronte, uh, does not like this at all.

"Who's the 20-year-old you have on the outside?" she asks him.

"Um. Look. Um," he stutters and sir that does not feel sufficient?

"I was seeing a number of girls before I came into this," he continues, and is there anything more fun in this life than watching a man dig himself an even bigger hole?

No words, just that face

He says he just said things the supposed 'outside girl' would want to hear to soften the blow of him entering the experiment because he didn't want to be an a***hole.

Never has anyone failed at anything so badly.

Meanwhile, there is literal sunshine and rainbows at Lyndall and Cameron's wedding.

She's pulled him aside to tell him about her CF, and it turns out she doesn't need to do much explaining because one of his friends passed away from it. 

He's happy she told him and excited to be part of her new zest for life. They kiss and dance and I love them with my whole heart.

Consider this a palate cleanser

The serial killer music tells us it's time to head back to see Bronte and Harrison - AND THAT MURDEROUS BRIDESMAID IS HER SISTER.

OH HARRISON.

IT'S REAL BAD FOR YOU.

As Bronte cries and Harrison laughs with his mates, sister Kirra is ready to throw daggers.

Bronte says all she wants is someone who's loyal to her and that, my friends, is why we should not let John Aiken have any control over our love lives.

SEE YOU TOMORROW NIGHT.

Chelsea McLaughlin is Mamamia's Senior Entertainment Writer. For more pop culture takes, recommendations and sarcasm, you can follow her on Instagram.

Feature image: Channel Nine.