Mamamia recaps MAFS: A man has never been so wrong.

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Hey, hey! It's a brand new week of Married at First Sight and a brand new me! Just joshing, I'm still the same, old recapper losing my grip on reality, one episode at a time.

On tonight's sh*tshow episode, Jacqui and Ryan are still on their honeymoon. While trying to meditate, Ryan can't concentrate because he is 'haunted' by dropping his bride at the wedding.

I'd hate for something actually traumatic to happen to this man.

Awhina and Adrian have decided to pretend the whole 'I'll never love your son' thing never happened. Healthy! Who needs honest conversation when you have *checks notes* sound healing?

Anyways, like me during the first 10 mins of this episode, Awhina sleeps through it.

'Hopefully, they swap him for his twin, I won't mind.' Image: Nine.

Lauren is still on her honeymoon alone?? Doll, you know you can go home. She's keeping Incel-liot's beanie as a hostage. Smart.

Meanwhile, a beanieless Incel-liot has 'requested' a meeting with expert, Daddy John. John basically calls out Incel-liot for a pattern of behaviour where he self-sabotages relationships with his unrealistic standards. You think!

Incel-liot replies "I disagree with everything you just said."

He is like 'Nah, I wanted a cute librarian who shreds at the gym, not a Kardashian who refuses to carry and birth my 10 children.'

Daddy John basically tells him to piss off and he does. Splendid.

'Sounds like a compliment to me.' Image: Nine.

But who cares: it's dinner party time! As the couples get ready, Awhina makes some comments about how Adrian criticises how much she touches him and how she talks, which I'm putting in the 'yikes' column.

A solo Lauren complains that "surely no one's [relationship] can be worse than mine," when we cut to Katie. We find out that Nice Tim ghosted her after the honeymoon and they're living separately.

He can't believe that Katie hasn't reached out to see if HE'S okay and when asked why he hasn't done the same, he said he doesn't have his wife's number. This! Man!

'Consider that!' Image: Nine.

At the cocktail party, Carina and Frenchie arrive all loved up and repping quiet luxury style. This show has been crying out for a FASHUN COUPLE since Martha and Michael, and I think our prayers have been answered.

Katie arrives alone, prompting Jamie to ask "What did this motherf**ker do?" Great question, Jamie. We find out a bit more about what went down and wow, it's so bad.

Nice Tim woke Katie up on their wedding night to say they didn't have a spark and he didn't know whether he should leave or not. In response, Jacqui says "he is a little bit foolish", meanwhile Jamie is googling locations to bury his body

Sierra and British Billy come as a can of TRESemme hairspray to symbolise how they're stuck together for at least the next 3-4 hours.

'Oh Billy, you're stuck holding my hand all night.' Image: Nine.

I'm sensing a power friendship between Katie and Ash, and I love it!

Katie is worried Nice Tim is going to be attacked when he arrives, so she actually asks all the men to rally around to support Tim. This goddamn angel.

Nice Tim arrives and he expects Katie to put in all the effort. She has to approach him, and when she does, he speaks to her in this bizarre condescending tone.

He says she's "gone up in his books" because she approached him.

I am… disgusted.

'I like my beer like I like my women: blonde and hand-sized.' Image: Nine.

Back with the group, Nice Tim has no interest in discussing what happened, dodging questions from Jamie.

Lauren arrives alone and spills on what happened with Incel-liot who is a no show. She tells the girls he left because she only wanted one child and he wanted someone that was 25.

British Billy calls him a coward, suggesting there could be some feud simmering between these men. I'd like to see it!

It's dinner time! The experts find out they stuffed up the matches with Rhi and Jeff, who are exes. This follows Frenchie and Carina dropping they also knew each other. What??? The experts actually screwed this up??

'At least, they weren't siblings. Be thankful for THAT.' Image: Nine.

Nice Tim is SHOOKETH to hear that Eliot left. A husband ditching his wife?? Who would do that? No one he knows! As he vents at Katie as if their situation isn't much worse, she just barely speaks.

"You probably don't feel so bad now," he actually tells her.

The group drill him about what his feelings are for Katie, but he refuses to engage. Nice Tim even says he's made most of the effort and Katie rightly replies "Are you serious?"

Tony feels sorry for Tim, which we will remember.

Katie presses him to talk about 'his type' and his mood shifts. In the confessional, he says he thinks Katie should've backed him when he, umm… was talking about why he doesn't like her. Makes sense!

'It's the thought that counts!' Image: Nine.

He tells her that he feels betrayed and gaslights her into thinking she's done something wrong. In his worst moment, he brings up her being alone for so long that's 'made her who she is'.

Katie apologises and cries. I am horrified.  

"I have a lot to learn," she replies as Jamie watches on aghast.

Jamie is all of us.

She tells Katie that the script has been flipped and he gaslighted her. As Jamie tries to engage with Nice Tim, he says 'We've finished that conversation', and she's interrupting his conversation with Tony.

She grabs Dave and tells him what happened and how dismissive he was and Dave says 'Well, that's not good.' It is not, Hot Dave! It is not!

Jamie is this season's Shakespeare. Image: Nine.

On the other end of the table, Jacqui and Ryan seem… fine now? I guess he's gotten over those PTSD Vietnam flashbacks of dropping her on the dancefloor.

Lauren gives a speech for no clear reason and then we're back to Jamie.

Jaimie sends in her spy Carina who asks Nice Tim for the goss but he deflects all questions, saying 'It's not Tim at first sight."

Jamie comes over, and she shouts to no one in particular: "I can't die on this hill charging this motherf**ker all night! Somebody has got to back me!"

Ah, pure poetry.

His response? Nice Tim fleas like a thief in the night. Bye bye!

On tomorrow's episode, the couples move in together and Lauren and Katie probably form a misandry coven to curse their exes. Fun!

READ NEXT: Here's what Eliot thinks of his fellow groom, Tim.

Feature image: Nine.