Mamamia recap MAFS: A honeymoon from the depths of hell.

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Greetings, gentle readers! It is the tail-end episode of the first week of Married at First Sight, and you know what that means?

It's time for honeymoons and the MAFS weddings not interesting enough to fill their own episode.

Quick reminder: Lauren is now alone. This trad wife is in trad strife and she has to fix her trad life! She shares her disappointment as she sifts through Incel-liot's beard clippings in the sink.

Memoriessss, light the corners of my mind, misty watercolour memoriesssss, of the way we were.

Jamie and Hot Dave are in the Whitsundays. They go kayaking and she is an absolute liability. Hard relate!

(A little Gilmore Girls deep cut for the real ones.) Image: Nine.

Siera and British Billy are on a snowy vacation in Perisher. "I saw Billy's willy," she announces, as he confirms they had THE SEX. Whatever!

In Fiji, Awhina and Adrian are doing yoga. "Do you want to spread your legs," the instructor says. "That's what it sounded like last noiiiight," Adrien butts in.

Is it too late to swap him for the other twin?

Can we vote Adrian, Nice Tim and Incel-liot off the island? Image: Nine.

But Awhina is hot for him. "Look at my big strong man!" she says to *checks notes* a grown man and not her son.

They then had THE SEX, as well. But the vibe shifts at a beachside dinner when a 'honeymoon box' is dropped on the table.

Awhina says she thinks he is 'too hot' and in return, Adrian tells her he will never love her son.

One of these things is not like the other!

She is rightly baffled and he doesn't seem to comprehend what he did wrong. "What's the point?" she asks him, questioning why he's staying in the experiment.

He then tells her to "smile… it's free." Honestly, I would throw this man in the sea if he said this to me.

Or at least, a Sprouse brother?? Image: Nine.

Carina and Frenchie are experiencing sexy massages and growing feelings, but don't worry: they haven't banged, Carina promises.

Boxes are being ticked, but not Carina's box. But jokes, by the end of the episode, this has changed. 'There was intimacy… twice,' Carina says.

Katie's horror movie honeymoon continues with Nice Tim. He told her at dinner that he put in his preferences he wanted a short, petite blonde. But Katie is still holding out hope??

"You are good with your looks," he explains with words that don't make sense. Thanks for that clarification. He adds he wants a 'quieter' woman, too.

I'm not fussy, I just want a silent, blonde woman who is small enough to fit under my backwards hat. Image: Nine.

Katie admits she didn't want to deal with 'real-life Tinder'. She jokes they should strip off nude and run through the forest.

"You do it and I'll just put the blinds up," he actually replies.

I CAN'T. GET THIS MAN OFF MY TV YESTERDAY.

'And when you beg to come in from the cold, I'll close the blinds. Just kidding, unless??' Image: Nine.

As they stroll through the forest, Katie tries to squeeze a personality out of him. Producers ask whether he's even trying. "I definitely am," he lies.

Nice Tim later tells her he 'wants to be more affectionate… something is holding me back… I can't put my finger on it.'

Katie says she doesn't understand anything he says and all his protests are a cop-out.

They talk in circles and I want to throw my TV screen off a sharp cliff. This man makes Katie cry for the 64th time. "This sucks… it's rejection after rejection," she sobs.

Spare a thought for Nice Tim, he reallllly wanted a petite blonde. Image: Nine.

MY HEART CAN'T TAKE THIS.

SOMEBODY SEDATE ME.

But wait, there are also a couple weddings squeezed in: it's time to meet our couples too boring to get their own episode.

Quirky PE teacher Jake sleeps in Garfield pajamas and has the exact hairstyle I show my hairdresser when I request a 'flippy bob'.

'I invented the lip gloss phone case too.' Image: Nine.

Also, may I say, another nose ring! That's four nose-ringed grooms out of eight, according to my very bad memory. I'm starting to think the MAFS producers are reading my dream journal.

Jake is matched with dance teacher Ashleigh, so she's basically Abby Lee Miller from Dance Moms.

At their wedding, Jake is freaking out over his frizzy hair and decides he's marrying Ashleigh's bridesmaid.

But overall, they vibe together!

A spray of Batisse would have worked wonders. Image: Nine.

Ashleigh gets her veil caught in cement. They're a disaster. HAHA! But they seem keen on each other! Hallelujah!

The Teachers leave to honeymoon on the Sunshine Coast and we never think about them again.

But wait, wake up, Jeff! You're getting married! This groom was raised by a single mum with a penchant for telephone threats. After moving interstate away from family, he longs for one of his own.

Thankfully, his match Rhi dreams of having kids too. She's never been in love after being burnt by the dating app scene.

T&C: stranger might not be an actual stranger. Image: Nine.

"Hey, do you want to come around?" she recalls being messaged. I get it Rhi, I once asked a guy on Hinge where we should have our first date and he replied 'Your bed.'

Jokes on you, Aaron, you'll be sharing it with two grudge-wielding cats.

But back to their wedding. Umm, uh oh!

As the bride approaches her groom, he grits his teeth to say 'Hey Rhi' as she replies 'Ugh, hey Jeff.'

Oh no. It's happening again.

'I should have stayed on Tinder.' Image: Nine.

"I know my husband…. well," she admits. Okay, so they've been downtown to sexy town. Their friends confirmed they dated for a month, they 'slept together a few times' and did (great!) workouts.

Rhi confirms they ended amicably and remained friends, so that's… umm, good? Jeff says they 'friend-zoned each other'.

The awkward revelation ruins Jeff's vows. As he tells his bride about him, she butts in to say 'B*tch, I know!'

"Now what?" they say, as they walk off. But it seems kinda fine?? They get along but are unsure if they can leave the dreaded friend-zone.

We skip their reception (must have been a big snooze) as they head on their honeymoon on the Gold Coast. Big who cares!

MAFS is back Sunday for more weddings (??) including some man who refers to himself as a 'warrior', so that's something to dread until then! Happy days!

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Feature image: Nine.