Mamamia recaps MAFS: What the hell just happened?

Married At First Sight is back with another episode of people saying the weirdest things you can imagine. Yes, that's right, I'm talking about the commitment ceremony! Our favourite time of the week.

And no, our resident recapper Tara Watson isn't here tonight — but I am! And I'd like to throw my television out the window! Tonight's episode was a whacky ride through delusional hot takes, tough love from the experts, and extremely weird editing.

Like, I am flabbergasted by the past hour and a half of television. Let's get into it.

Dave plays 20 questions on Married At First Sight. Story continues below.

"Strap yourselves in," Hot Dave declared in the teaser for tonight's episode. And that was… very real. Love you, Dave. Tara and I have a shared crush on you and we WILL be rooting for you all season long.

But I digress.

Morena and Tony kicked things off for the evening, with Morena launching an attack on Tony for going away every weekend. I would say I understand her problem, but Tony's need to escape is coming across as very reasonable given… you know… everything *gestures vaguely*.

Morena is not a fan of Tony Time. She's also just not a fan of Tony. Image: Nine.

She coined the phrase "Tony Time" and decided it needed to be said approximately 75 times throughout the episode, telling the experts that he likes to leave her alone and enjoy his "Tony Time" and therefore all the problems in their relationship are exclusively caused by him.

Literally no one on my television screen was agreeing with her. But also… everyone was scared.

"I don't want to get involved because Morena will bite my head off," Jamie told Dave. Astute! She will, probably! And she did.

Morena took offence to the group giggling when she called Tony 'Houdini' and turned to scold them for not having her back. And that was the moment the experts called her out for "pointing her finger" when she gets mad.

WOW. The breakthroughs we have on this show, hard-hitting stuff. But actually that was pretty much the only breakthrough of the evening so, good work, I suppose.

As they agreed to stay one more week, the experts said they #believed in ToRena. I believe they will explode and it will make for horrifying television.

Jaime and Dave are not sure what's going on tonight, but they sure are cute. Image: Nine.

Up next, we took a romantic tour through the 'shiny happy people' montage.

Jamie and Dave are falling in love. They don't need screen time because the producers don't care about happy minutes. Chaotic minutes only!

Paul enjoyed having intimate time with Carina. We actually could've done without the details, Frenchie, but he did say he "adores" her and I will be so very real with you all: that made me feel a nice feeling™ as tiny little piano music played.

Love is real!

But not for Ryan and Jaqui.

They are truly an experiment within the experiment, and I'm fairly certain this season will end with the producers announcing their romance was an elaborate prank. They'll drop a red velvet curtain and reveal that Jaqui isn't actually a former Miss New Zealand, but in fact three kiwi birds in a trench coat.

Me when I'm doing it for the plot and I take things too far. Image: Nine.

Our resident diva Alessandra Rampolla attempted to explain to Jaqui that an apology bouquet of flowers does not equal a healthy relationship. But Miss New Zealand was not processing the real-talk. She likes Ryan! Sometimes.

It didn't help when Dave and Jamie tried to give advice about focusing on "the positives", because girlie pop lives in her own reality and is on a journey we may never really understand.

But I have to admit, their scene was very much giving franken-biting, with Jaqui's varying monologues sounding a little too dis-jointed to be real. Is she a little quirky? Probably. But are we getting the whole picture here? Of course not! This was very, very heavily edited.

In particular, their whole montage could not have been weirder than the part where she started mentioning children she does not have and then Ryan started talking and crying about his imaginary son.

"I'm confused," John Aiken declared. "I need you to help me figure out what the hell is going on."

Jaqui started talking about how she is not compatible with Ryan because they don't like the same books and TV shows. Everyone was perplexed. I took a five minute lap around the house to decompress. They're staying in the experiment. Why? Who could say.

They're going to go the distance. I know it. Image: Nine.

With these two quirky kids off our screen, Rhi and Jeff briefly bring us back to the good times.

She loves that he does her laundry and makes her coffee and it sounds a little bit like she's excited to have a housemaid. I get it, I would also like to live like Emily Gilmore. But this is MAFS and not Gilmore Girls.

Jeff awkwardly described the romantic element as a 'hurdle' despite their many claims that they have great chemistry. They say they feel closer than ever. I'm not convinced and neither are the experts. But I wish them well!

Well, they are on our screens and they are here. That's about it. Image: Nine.

Adrian and Awhina's turn was prefaced with a bold statement by our bride.

"I don't want to just settle. I'm not settling for my son. I want someone that shows up every day. Am I wasting time?" she asked the producers. YES.  Run in the other direction, diva.

As Awhina bared her soul and tried to talk about very real things with the experts, Adrian once again acted bored and/or irritated. His factory setting, it seems.

Mel Schilling had just about enough of Adrian tonight. So did John, who told Adrian he was "point scoring" and trying to win arguments rather than be in a real relationship. And finally! Do your job, John. Get to the crux of the problem.

They tried to give him a tough-talk and explained why his behaviour was problematic. Adrian argued and smirked and absorbed what the experts were saying in the way that home-brand paper towels absorb water. Which is not at all.

They're staying another week. Godspeed!

Call it, kids! It's time to go. Image: Nine.

When Billy and Sierah's turn arrived, the alleged cheating scandal finally reared its ugly head and it was… not exactly what everyone thought.

The couple have struggled with intimacy since their honeymoon, with Billy admitting he wants Sierah to open up more emotionally so they can build on their romantic connection. She says she can't because of her 'past'.

As they sat down on the couch, Billy mentioned that they'd been intimate the night before. He said things were good, but he wanted to know why Sierah was shutting him out.

She described their evening as a "drunken fumble". The moment was painful and it was awkward and Billy seemed crushed.

Then, she revealed she'd opened up 'about her past' to Adrian. Of all people. The man who can't even have a conversation with his own wife.

She attempted to explain why she had opened up to Adrian… by serving up a riddle of unfinished sentences.

"I don't know what you're on about," Billy said.

And no one knows, Billy! Because, despite the fact that this is reality TV, Sierah and Adrian are both being vague and cagey and not wanting to speak in front of cameras. Not only that, but the choppy editing makes it seem like we're missing entire chunks of conversation.

The worst part is that Billy seemed genuinely shocked and tearful, but Sierah appeared… emotionless.

"Do you see why he's upset?" the experts asked.

"Yeah," she replied with a little nod.

GUYS. Is it the editing? Is there a conversation we're missing? I am confused, the internet is confused, this is highly weird and not in a fun Jaqui and Ryan way.

The experts asked Sierah to open up. She started crying. Everyone was left feeling bamboozled.

I have to assume we're missing something and eventually the contestants will "share their truths" when they get their Instagram accounts back.

"It's hard," Alessandra said.

"Mmmmyeah," Sierah responded.

This was the most absurd and confusing episode of Married At First Sight I've ever seen. I can't wait until Eliot and Lauren return tomorrow night.

Feature Image: Nine.