The Twins recap Married at First Sight: The groom who has everyone... baffled.

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It's the morning after Tamara and Brent's wedding and yeah, they're still fighting about the upside down knife that wasn't upside down but that Tamara felt was upside down which should be just as important. 

Brent is unsure if what he's feeling is sexual chemistry, or if Tamara is blatantly bullying him and Sir it's inarguably the latter.

Tamara has started to compile a list of things her husband is not allowed to do, which includes:

- Be sarcastic at any point

- Refuse to apologise for cutlery related misunderstandings

- Work in a toy shop

- Work in any shop/bar/hospitality venue more broadly

"It's a pretty clear boundary for me. For obvious reasons." 

Brent on the other hand has deduced that his wife is most likely a 'psychopath' but is willing to work with that. So.

Over in... another place... Anthony and Selin have woken from the nightmare that is getting married on Channel Nine only to discover it wasn't a dream after all. 

Anthony repeatedly tries to feed Selin fruit from a bowl, even though she has her own hands which she has probably used in the past for inserting food into her own mouth. 

At this point it becomes clear that Anthony was never here for a bride. He misread the terms and conditions, and actually applied in the hopes of finding a baby. And now the baby he was matched with keeps refusing solids which is understandably confusing for him. 

So awks! 

But there's no time to resolve conflict because there are more couples to match.

A narrator explains, "Following months of intense psychological testing and data analysis, our experts have been busy pairing this year’s participants..." and with respect what data analysis did you employ. Tell us, specifically. 

We cut to three 'busy' experts who are shuffling A4 pieces of paper with their eyes closed and finally yell "Domenica aaaaaand... Jack!"

"This could be my favourite match this season," Mel says, and by that she means she actually tried this time and she'd like that on the record.

We learn that Domenica was married 18 months ago, to a man she was with for 4 years but only stayed married to for 2 months and okay why does this feel like a riddle. 

2 months minus 4 years equals gossip we're not getting. 

She says she likes dogs, and yeah, Jack has a dog. The experts are smug but we need to be clear: that is not… enough. To sustain. A marriage. 

It’s Domenica’s wedding day and we’re reminded that this is a very meaningful day for her. We do, however, have to ask: if you knew someone for several years, married them, and it didn’t work, why on earth would it follow that you should marry a stranger on national television? We’re not judging we just honestly don’t see how that’s a logical step… forward. 

We’re shown a venue with people in it, and we don’t want to be rude but why does Domenica get actual guests at her wedding when last night’s couples exclusively got aunties with broken arms? 

How is this fair?? 

"I read an article" Jack says as he prepares to walk down the aisle… and omg did we write it.

"And it said that within a second of seeing someone you know whether you have a connection" and f**k no we didn’t. 

Halfway through the ceremony, a special guest arrives. Yeah, it’s Jack’s dog, Finn, in a special Best Man outfit. He doesn't bite Domenica on the neck immediately which feels like a relatively good sign. 

We don’t know where Finn goes after that but we hope he had a lovely evening. 

"I feel exploited." 

During their photos, Domenica channels her inner John Edwards and tells Jack that in the weeks before the wedding, she was seeing the letter ‘M’. He’s like lol ok I don’t really care but maybe you were seeing that coz it’s a fairly common letter in the alphabet and also you were going on Married at First Sight lol. 

But no. Domenica sees dead people the letter M. And it turns out Jack a) lives in Miller’s Point and also b) has the surname Miller, neither of which he finds relevant to this conversation. 

‘I AM A PSYCHO’ Domenica exclaims and the amount of times people mix that word up with 'psychic' is telling.

At the reception, Domenica essentially asks Jack if he thinks she’s hot and he does which is lovely. But there’s a problem invented by producers to add drama to an otherwise quite wholesome wedding: Jack doesn’t know the complex mathematical equation about how Domenica was married before but not for long but for someone she was with for a long time but not that long ago. 

"According to my maths I just want the gossip." 

Will he be shocked? Like probably not, given he signed up to a show that inarguably makes a mockery of the institution of marriage. He’s not going to be like WOT MARRIAGE IS SACRED to a stranger he literally just married because John Aiken told him to. 

Unsurprisingly, he’s… fine with it. The bigger issue is that his mother is dying of hypothermia and will someone put this woman in front of a fire?

"Are toes meant to be blue?" 

Now that we have one couple with common interests such as being Italian and enjoying dogs, it’s time for a match that will break people.

We’re introduced to Mitch who is cynical about the process and the experts. He says “I’ll be surprised if I turn around and see my dream woman” and sweetie, not as surprised as we will be.

The problem with Mitch, you see, is that he appears to have watched a few episodes before. So he knows this is a… joke.

John’s obviously pissed off but can’t argue too much because deep in his bottom draw is a notebook. And in that notebook are some numbers. About the people he has broken. Statistically, every single one of these couples will verbally and/or emotionally abuse each other in the next six weeks and this young man before him knows.

"It was meant to be a surprise." 

Thrown off guard, John yells: I DON’T GET IT YOU’RE NOT EVEN DESPERATE WHY ARE YOU HERE and it’s like… John. We don’t say that… out loud. On the television. 

But we all know why Mitch is here. No, he isn’t bothered about being single, but he knows that with his face, and relatedly, his body, he can be making bank off spon con. 

Link in bio x 

For reasons that include absolutely nothing at all, Mitch is matched with Ella. 

She’s been single for nine years, and Alessandra wants to know… y tho. To put it another way, she wants to understand what is wrong with her, physically, emotionally, perhaps even spiritually, to mean that she is unable to be loved? It must be so sad for Ella? For no one to love her??

It’s Mitch and Ella’s wedding day, and look. When you’ve been watching Married at First Sight for long enough, you learn that someone always gets married at Curzon Hall which is the closest Australia has to a historical castle. There’s sandstone. There’s a circular driveway. And on this occasion, there are two people with shared values that include the desire to earn money from the social media app, Instagram. 

When they meet at the altar, Mitch and Ella just describe each other’s physical appearance which is interesting. They yell HAIR. SMELL. U HAVE TEETH and these are all correct but they do not constitute a conversation. 

We notice that the entire venue is empty, probably because Ella and Mitch didn’t want to bring any family or friends into this Instagram alliance. Such a thing is private. Sacred. 

"Unless I have my own discount code. In which case..." 

But strangely, this doesn’t seem to be an entirely joke match. Or it was, but it backfired because Mitch and Ella won’t stop humping and licking their lips. 

Their reception is just a dinner with the two of them, and the issue is they have nothing to talk about in that they just got married but have never met. 

They therefore start having intercourse at the table. "I don’t mind trying new things," Ella says. "I’ll hold you to that," Mitch replies and yeah the Nine crew are going to need you to stop ejaculating on the furniture because it’s a nightmare to clean up. 

Mitch waits while Ella FaceTimes a friend which feels like a weird thing to do at your wedding but okay. She then asks him what made him feel ready for this, and he explains, “I’ve tried all the traditional ways of dating, social media…”

"I'm traditional, what can I say." 

Sir. That’s not a … traditional… never mind. 

At this point, we’ve never been so certain that two people are having sex tonight. They’re vigorously pashing and we can hear the slap of their saliva which is deeply unpleasant. 

At the dirty hotel honeymoon suite, Ella says she won’t be having sex until a few days in and, look. I’m sure you also grew up saying you wouldn’t get fake married on the television but things change. 

UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.

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Read our previous recaps here:

The Twins recap Married at First Sight: "My wife is a psychopath."

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