The Twins recap Married at First Sight: How was any of that... allowed.

March 1, 2021

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It's time for nine couples to move in together, and Gladys Berejiklian, we have questions.

Just to clarify, this show was being filmed at a time when MPs were being fired for visiting holiday houses. Meanwhile, 18 random people (none of whom wear masks or appear to sanitise regularly) are moving into the same building for no reason.

You know what's not COVID-safe? Yelling (AKA projecting spit droplets) in a poor ventilated apartment for weeks on end, after having attended a wedding, and a honeymoon, all filmed by a camera crew who have been in contact with even more strangers at other fake weddings.

"We must find him. And stop him." You know what’s also not COVID-safe? Affairs.

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But we digress.

Samantha clearly got the... memo... about the pandemic and is moving in by herself.

"Maybe I misheard..." But before long Cameron arrives (where have you been and did you check in using the Service NSW app?) and they proceed to have the pettiest fight about whose fault it is that they’ve been married for less than a week and aren’t speaking.

Cameron gets frustrated and storms out, leaving what we can only imagine is traces of virus on every surface.

Once the couples have moved into their new ~~hotel rooms~~ apartments, it’s announced that the experts are about to add a 'monumental addition to this year's experiment'.

You already changed the rules and hired a new expert what could it possibly be.

Oh.

John Aiken has decided that given the unanimous success of the Honesty Box, that concept needs to be extended, expanded upon, and made to be even more f**ked up.

Yes, it’s Confession Week. And yes, the first task is to rank every member of the opposite sex in the experiment by how attractive you find them.

Wtf why, you might ask. And we’d respond by saying, you clearly don’t know John Aiken.

The more disturbing reality is that some contestants clearly... weirdly enjoy ranking human beings solely based on their physical appearance. Bryce ranks all the women on the show, explaining his reasoning in detail. And like, let’s just pause for a moment to acknowledge that everyone is watching this. And watching themselves. Be ranked. And also the justification. For why they are last. Which is cool.

But while most people are emotionally intelligent enough to put the person they’ve been matched with as number one because a) it’s a kind thing to do, b) they’re currently living with that person, and c) it’s a ridiculous activity with no purpose other than to cause intense emotional pain, Bryce has a better idea.

He puts his fake wife Melissa not first, not second, NOT THIRD, but fourth.

.. Maybe. Sir.

“That’s a kick in the guts,” she says and this activity is so unnecessary.

“Fourth. You don’t even get a medal for that…” she continues.

Two words, Bryce. And we’re only going to say this once.

Just. Lie.

You’re on a reality show. With fake experts. Where you just got fake married. To build your Instagram profile. Why is ‘honesty’ suddenly so important to you??

"I don't mean to offend you,” he tells Melissa, ”but I knew I would and I did it anyway lol.”

"I'm the real victim here..." "I know you're probably hoping you were number one...” Bryce says and mate, NO ONE IS APPLAUDING YOU BECAUSE YOU CALLOUSLY RANKED YOUR WIFE BY HER APPEARANCE. NO ONE.

Of course, Melissa ranks Bryce number one and excuse us, we want to die.

But there’s someone else who’s not having a good time during this activity, and it’s your local MP, Russell. Poor Russell is ranked last by pretty much every woman and honestly, this is the most f**ked up thing that’s ever happened on this show and last season a man put his wife's tooth brush in a toilet. So.

Luckily, Confession Week isn’t just about starting fights about who is and isn’t hot. Two couples have been asked to write letters revealing something they’ve never told anyone before and OK, who did a murder. Because our vote is… Sam.

"Just to clarify..." The couples then have to read their private letters out to their partner, as well as the nation, and also potentially an international audience.

Belinda shares with Patrick that she was bullied really badly in high school, and it had a huge impact on her life. While Patrick is supportive, it’s awkward because she’s also currently being ranked by strangers based on her physical appearance which sounds a lot like bullying to us.

When it comes time for Coco to share her letter with Sam, she’s apprehensive, given that he has a tendency to be ‘rude’, and generally just doesn’t seem to like her very much.

As she starts opening up about her ex-husband and the insecurities her past relationship caused, Sam tells the cameras that Coco goes on a little bit too long when she tells a story. “She could wrap it up a little bit smaller and therefore grab my attention more,” he says and dude she’s not a film you're reviewing she’s a human being??

"There wasn't enough action and I didn't laugh one time."

Before she’s finished speaking, Sam starts to yawn. When she stops abruptly, while crying, Sam says “good times,” and laughs. Dude no. Not good times.

Thankfully, Sam and Coco still have the photo ranking task to lift their spirits.

Sam decides he’d like to display his photos up on a wall, please, so as to make sure his order is correct and that every camera can pick up exactly who he thinks is hot.

He’s a bit worried about how Coco will react, however, because “for women, they’re a lot more hormonal”.

Nonetheless, he puts Coco fourth, because “her body type is not usually the one I’d normally go for”.

Cool, man.

At this point, Coco has had enough. She’s been relentlessly criticised by a man whose opinion she never asked for, so she decides to “show him what I think of him,” and yeah, she puts him after… Russell. In the bottom four.

Shockingly, Sam doesn’t quite like being ranked so poorly on his physical appearance. It’s actually a bit hurtful? And petty?

“Coco put me in the bottom four… I think that was a little childish,” he tells the cameras, before adding that he finds it “a little unfair”.

He tries so hard to pretend not to care and keeps repeating “it’s your choice, it’s your decision,” and Coco pls we’ve never loved someone so unconditionally.

"The glasses are for emphasis."

“She's offended that I don't find her very attractive,” he explains. “She's got emotions to deal with so you know this isn't easy for her.”

Hours later, Sam is still thinking about that time Coco ranked him in the bottom four of attractiveness in a Married at First Sight game with no purpose and/or consequence. He thinks it was a “cheap shot,” and yeah, he’d like to speak to her about it.

Mostly, Sam explains to Coco that she put him “after Rusty” which he found disturbing, and how is this a conversation we’re having on the television in 2021.

But it turns out Coco is the unexpected feminist hero of our time and she. Has. Had. Enough.

“How can you have said all the things you've said about me - about my body, about how hot Alana is, and then get offended by this?” she asks.

“You're allowed to literally rip on me for the last two weeks - I have not said one negative thing about you. I have never, ever said anything about your physical appearance. You can't rip on every essence of everything that I am, and the one day I put you in a line up, [you say] you think I was taking a cheap shot.”