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We open midway through Melissa and Bryce's first night together as they're awoken by a raging fire alarm and, pause.
If this isn't an omen sent from the devil himself to GTFO of this situation we don't know what is.
The next morning, a producer shouts "WAKE UP" before squatting beside their bed and whispering "was there any time for intimacy last night?"
Jesus lady this is a private bedroom and you are not welco -
Oh.
Nevermind.
Melissa and Bryce confirm they did indeed put 1 x penis inside 1 x vagina last night right after the fire alarm debacle which is useless information we shan't ever forget.
Rebecca and Jake, however, slept separately, on account of Rebecca believing Jake came on too strong. And also his teeth.
"He's had time to get veneers. Surely."
But the experts are getting antsy because there are more lives to be ruined. They decide they'll match not one, not two, but THREE couples, and that's too many for one episode, Alessandra, don't you know how this show works.
The experts first discuss Sam, who was cleaning her house one day with two small children when she found a bag full of SIM cards belonging to her husband who, it turned out, had been cheating on her for five years.
Pause.
Guys. That's the story. WHY DO WE BRUSH OVER GENUINELY INTERESTING NARRATIVES JUST TO GET BACK TO FAKE EXPERTS MAKING FAKE DECISIONS IN A FAKE WAREHOUSE?
Initially, they go to match Sam with someone called Chris, but John Aiken says he’s not convinced by that match, so they’re going to choose someone else and SINCE WHEN DO YOU EMPLOY CRITICAL THINKING this is above your pay grade, Sir.
They decide on crane operator Cam, who apparently shares the same 'country values' as Sam. Of course, that brings us to the question of the night: Wtf are country values? An innate respect for cows or some shit?
Next, we meet a musician named Booka, and John Aiken nearly pulls a muscle actually standing up and walking to the other side of the table to find her match.
"Woah COVID really lit a fire in your belly." She is matched with psychology student Brett, who is pictured reading a book named Finding Meaning which explicitly states in Chapter 13 to AVOID Sir John Aiken and fake television weddings.
We cut to a scene of Booka's mum crying and it's unclear if it's because a) her daughter is single or b) her daughter is going on a terrible reality show in an attempt to find love.
"What will I tell the ladies at work..." But it's the third match that is of... concern.
Pilates studio owner Coco is matched with clothing designer Sam, who bears an uncanny resemblance to The Real Slim Shady who we haven't seen since 1999.
My name is WHHHAT. Coco shouts at the camera "I HOPE MY MATCH CAN KEEP UP WITH MY BANTS" and immediately we know this is a bad idea.
Sam describes himself as a "hustler" as well as "savage and brutal" which seems really conducive to a romantic relationship with an adult woman.
"She's gotta have decent boobs," he muses and dude, listen to us closely. This is a frankly terrible move for your clothing business. If you are mean on the television absolutely no one will buy your pants do you understand?
We are then thrown too quickly into the weddings of Sam and Cam and Booka and Brett, respectively. Every set of vows on Married at First Sight goes as follows:
"I can't believe we both took this crazy challenge." (Both parties exhale and person A looks back down at palm cards purchased from Officeworks for Year 8 debating).
"I will give you everything I've got and be the wife/husband you deserve." (Eye contact made with stranger, exhale again through pursed lips).
"Together, let's walk into our future, and away from our past." (Throws palm cards back at celebrant who isn't getting paid enough to be a personal assistant to a MAFS contestant).
Too. Many. Vows. Fin.
But things are different at Sam and Coco's wedding.
A producer asks Sam's groomsmen, "How do you begin to describe Sam?" and they look awkwardly at the camera until it becomes abundantly clear that these men do not know Sam.
'Good bloke.'"Outgoing..." one guy says, looking uncomfortably at the stranger who paid him to hang out today.
"Pretty... funny," the second adds, clearly pissed off that this wasn't in the Airtasker ad.
Sam chuckles and remarks that his honesty has gotten him into trouble in the past and when has that ever been a... good quality.
Over at Coco's house she's shouting a lot of words such as "HOPEFULLY HE'S WILLING TO BE THE KANYE TO MY KIM" and dear God it's not a good week to be celebrating Kim Kardashian's marriage.
As Coco walks down the aisle to meet The Real Slim Shady, there's a mixture between horror and... clown music. Her dress gets caught on a step because it's (in her defence) exceptionally windy, and a guest asks: "Can I help her?"
If you listen closely you can hear a producer hiss, "NO. LET HER FALL," and so Coco continues to fumble until Sam comes over and untangles her.
Immediately, Coco likes The Real Slim Shady.
"There's a little something in you... a little jalepeno spice... a little chilli," she says, we think referring to Slim Shady's nationality, and you definitely can't... say that. Anymore. Out loud. On the television.
For the remainder of the ceremony she shouts at guests "WHAT'S GOOD" and we don't know if that's a question or a... comment.
Sam knows that in order to sell pants, he can't simply say it's a firm no from him. So instead he confides in producers, "I'm a little bit... thrown by her".
It inevitably gets worse when he says, "I don't want to look like an asshole..." but continues to speak, explaining, "she's not my type. Far from it. That's being brutally honest...."
"Some of the things she says are a little cringe-worthy," he elaborates and Sam, sweetie. This is why we don't marry strangers on the television.
Throughout the reception, it slowly dawns on Coco that not once has The Real Slim Shady answered her question "WHAT'S GOOD".
What if it is, in actual fact, bad.
She asks him what he thinks of her.
He basically explains that she's too loud/a lot/horrifically inappropriate and Coco apologises and promises to do better with her personality.
Sam is relieved his wife has an "off switch" and f**k there is just so much wrong with that sentence.
Over at Samantha and Cameron's wedding, Samantha is concerned that her groom has gone quiet ever since she said she has kids, probably because he's gone quiet ever since she said she has kids.
This seems like something that could have been brought up in, we don't know, say, the MATCHING PROCESS WITH QUALIFIED EXPERTS but hey, that's just us.
Luckily, Cameron happens to mention in passing that he's a 'country boy' and you know what that means...
COUNTRY VALUES.
Do you like cows n shit?? At Brett and Booka's wedding, Brett's father is making a speech so touching it would appear he fundamentally misunderstands the concept of this show.
He starts to sob inconsolably as though this is an actual wedding, where his son is marrying someone he actually fell in love with, and not a stranger Channel Nine paired him with for the purposes of Australian but also international ratings.
At the end of their wedding night, Brett and Booka both share their shock that they seem to genuinely like the person they've been paired with and pls.
This is where they get you.
Then the honesty box comes out and everything falls apart.
UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.
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