The Twins recap Married at First Sight: We're kind of... into this cheating scandal.

March 9, 2021

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We open with the narrator telling us that Jason has been hailed the 'King of Intimacy' and no he hasn't.

No one ever said that.

All that happened was that Alana casually mentioned at the Commitment Ceremony that Jason made her orgasm during sex, and the standards of this show are so abysmally low that he's now classified as a 'king'.

But across the hallway, there's drama in Bryce and Melissa's apartment. You see, Bryce has angrily walked out. When he returns, we learn the reason for his tantrum: Yes, he asked Melissa what she was going to wear. And, yes, she said 'clothes'.

March 9, 2021

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He says she was "acting like a smartarse," and that hurt his feelings and sir all you've done is insult this woman for two weeks straight and now you're choosing to be offended by her giving you a straight answer to a question.

As they continue to go around in circles, we decide that when people are having fights like this, there’s only one explanation: tiredness. They are children, and they are tired. Mostly because their beds are in the middle of the apartment and there are no doors.

Can we at least get like a double bed in here?

Oh.

So now Bryce is… crying. Like, sobbing. Because he asked Melissa what she was wearing. And she said clothes.

???

Speaking of fights over nothing, Beck and Jake are still living separately after Jake chose to spend the night with da boiz after the Commitment Ceremony. They’re given the eye-gazing task as part of Intimacy Week, and are weirdly good at it, confirming that they’re at their best when they’re forbidden from speaking to one another.

Of course, there’s one couple who shan’t be participating in any of the official Intimacy Week tasks. It’s been established by Sir John Aiken that Coco and Sam would be a danger to themselves and to others if they were forced to form any kind of emotional and/or physical connection, so instead, Coco says Sam is allowed to come do Pilates with her in the park. They don’t fight for three whole minutes, prompting Coco to say, “it’s always darkest before the dawn…AHHHH THERE’S ONE OF MY ONE LINERS,” and you know a relationship is toxic when you start mocking yourself at the end of sentences.

No, stop.

We forgot Russell your local MP would have to do Intimacy Week. And we don’t like it at all.

"Pls don't show my electorate. Any of this."

Russell and Beth now exclusively get doofus music every time they’re on screen, which makes sense when… yep.

So Russell straight up doesn’t blink during the eye-gazing task. Mate, you fundamentally misunderstood the instructions and honestly no one has time for this.

"You blinked like five times lol."

Given that one couple have now engaged in a staring competition instead of an eye-gazing session, Alessandra decides to verbally explain the intimacy activity to the next couple.

She arrives at Jason and Alana’s apartment, and tells them they’re going to do something a little different because they’re the ‘most sexually advanced couple’. Like… congrats? Idk.

Alessandra asks them to stand close together, looking into each other’s eyes, and… nurse each other’s genitals.

No.

That can’t be it. That’s so f*cked up.

"Yesss and for the parents of tho students, who knew they recognised you from somewhere..."

Witnessing two grown adults (one of whom has a school principal AND a class of students watching) cup each other’s dick and vag is one of the weirdest things we've ever watched on television. Like it’s 8pm??? On a Tuesday? This feels like some weird Only Fans sh*t we should be paying extra for??

Considering the success of their eye-gazing task, Russell and Beth are asked to participate in ‘uninterrupted listening,’ specifically about sex and relationships. Beth is very open, sharing that she’s used toys in the bedroom before, she’s watched porn with partners, and she’s talked to friends about threesomes.

But Russell is a conservative politician. He can’t be having these silly conversations. It’s not appropriate. He describes his sexual experiences as ‘pedestrian’ (ew), and says he’s useless with knots so none of that.

“It’s like going to the supermarket,” he explains, “and not the organic one,” and sir you don’t know what salmon is no one expected you to be remotely fluent in the bedroom.

In their final attempt at intimacy, Beth and Russell decide to share a bed once again. You see, they’ve been having an ongoing disagreement about Beth stealing Russell’s side of the bed, but he’s prepared to be the bigger person and deal with it.

They don’t even make it through the night before Russell is on the couch again, waking up at a stupidly early time to wear his lycra and ‘go for a pedal’ (AKA get some photos taken to go in his local newspaper).

"I sleep on my bike now."

Which leads us to ask... if this is such an ongoing problem couldn’t Beth just swap sides wtf like it clearly means a lot to Russell? We know he doesn’t blink and he’s a Minister for Parliament but he also needs sleep like the rest of us?

Meanwhile, Alessandra has asked Beck and Jake to do the creepy laughing task. They’re meant to just laugh for several minutes straight, but Jake isn’t doing it right, which Beck doesn’t find very funny. In fact, Jake’s lack of laughter AND the fact he’s uncomfortable fake laughing is very upsetting and she’d like to take the issue up with the comedy police.

"I'm going to complain to John Aiken hahahaha"

After trying to make conversation with Sam and finding it ‘forced’ (yeah dude this is why we don’t marry strangers), Cam decides to go out for a drink with Coco.

They go to a bar and are you not nervous that you’ll run into one of the 17 other people in the vicinity who are in the same experiment and will dob you in to John Aiken?

Coco says her and Sam haven’t been doing any of the Intimacy Week activities because she’d rather stick hot needles in her eyes and we profoundly enjoy that the sole basis for Coco and Cam’s blossoming romance is their shared resentment towards Sam.

"But what do YOU hate the most about him??"

"Omg I agree lol."

When Coco asks Cam about how things are progressing with his wife, he says, “it’s hard sleeping in the same bed as her… would’ve been easier if you were there!” before adding that he and Coco have “good banta”.

Look. This is a different type of cheatin’ scandal, and we’re not… against it. Mostly because these marriages are fake and Coco got matched with the Real Slim Shady. Our only feedback would be that the cheatin’ scandal IS progressing too slowly, for our liking.

When she gets home, Coco plays with her tarot cards and the one card that falls out is the happily ever after card so yeah. I think we all know what that means.