The Twins recap Married at First Sight: When you see your match and can't stop crying.

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There are more weddings and how can that be. 

It's the middle of a pandemic and we don't want to speak out of turn but we believe there were perhaps more fake weddings in Australia in 2020 than real ones. 

The experts decide their next victim is Belinda, a woman who is at once introduced as a door-to-door saleswoman AND a ballerina, which is unexpected.

Such a diverse skill set <3 She's deeply insecure about her appearance, and hasn't been in a relationship before. Luckily, expert Alessandra assures her, "there's nothing particularly strange or weird [about your face]," and honestly the quality of counselling on this show is second to none. 

After precisely no deliberation, the experts decide to match Belinda with Patrick, a man who says he doesn't have a lot of confidence with women and appears to sleep in his living room. 

Sir. Where are literally any of your things.  It's not the worst match we've ever seen but holy no Mel is excited to talk about Russell. 

We'll say this once and once only.

It doesn't matter where in Australia you are, Russell is your local member. 

"Vote 1, Russell." He is a Minister for Parliament. He is, we'll confidently put on record, either Dan Andrews or an extremely close relative.

For some reason, Mel is jumping out of her seat with excitement about finding a match for Russell, probably because being on good terms with Russell - her local member - was the only way Married at First Sight could legally host these weddings at all. 

The producers, however, are keen to show us that Russell is an every man. And that's why he deserves your vote.

They therefore show us Russell having a cramp in the middle of an interview. Cooking a steak on his very modest barbeque in his backyard. Going dirt bike riding with his two nephews.

For reasons that will likely never be clear, Russell is paired with 39-year-old psychology graduate, Beth. Our only observation of Beth is that she seems far too normal for this show, and will probably be taken aback about being matched with her local member.

I'm getting the novelty match aren't I.   On Patrick's wedding day, we see producers clutch at storylines by spending upwards of three minutes zooming in on a ring stuck to his finger and we cannot for the life of us bring ourselves to care. 

Belinda keeps emphasising that she's going from NOTHING to MARRIAGE and sweetie we know we've done this seven times already in a week.

Belinda's sister tries to calm her down by insisting: "The experts have matched you so this could work."

No, lady. The chances of this working are literally less than chance do you understand??

Patrick arrives at the altar and it becomes clear he... well...

He'd like a catchphrase. Like Bart Simpson. 

He says, "Holy carrot sticks with peanut butter," which we find really upsetting, and then when he sees Belinda for the first time, he exclaims, "Holy moley guacamole."

No.

Stop that. Immediately. 

But Belinda seems to like Patrick, and they discuss each other's names but also what time they got up this morning and the celebrant grows impatient because she'd literally rather be anywhere else.

'No part of me wants to be here.' Over the course of the ceremony we realise that Patrick and Belinda are in love and will die beside each other which is nice but not particularly dramatic. Which leads us to the question... What's sweetie Coco doing anyway?

Patrick's wedding goes from good to great when he meets his new best friend, Photographer, during the wedding photos. 

He asks for advice about where to stand but also how not to be awkward and an unlikely friendship blossoms. 

"You, Photographer, are the best friend I've ever had." During photos, Patrick yells "SORRY" every time he is asked to put his hands on Belinda which is honestly the most respectful behaviour we've ever seen on this franchise. 

At the reception, we find out that, yes, Belinda will be doing a ballet dance for her new husband, who she just met, as well as his friends and family. 

It's important to note that as a rule, one shan't do a performance at their own wedding. Especially when a) the groom is a stranger, b) he's never been to a wedding before, and c) your wedding is on the television. 

When Patrick is told to take a seat in a chair on the dancefloor, he definitely thinks he's getting a lap dance. But once Belinda comes out and completes her performance, Patrick understands: All brides do a ballet for their groom after dinner. It's tradition. 

'It's like the bouquet toss. Or the cutting of the cake.' Towards the end of the wedding, Belinda says, "I just can't believe it, like is this real?!" and we don't want to be rude, but... no. It's definitively fake. 

Meanwhile, Beth is about to find out that she's been matched with her local member.

Before the ad break, we're told we're about to witness "a wedding unlike any other on Married at First Sight" and omg does someone die.

Alas, they do not (that we know of). The drama is that Beth and Russell's wedding is the ONLY wedding in Married at First Sight HISTORY to have ZERO GUESTS, because of the global pandemic. 

Of course, this raises multiple questions, including: if this wedding took place during severe restrictions, why was it allowed to happen at all? Does it have something to do with Russell being a local member? Was he worried about what flouting COVID restrictions would do to his political career?

After some painful small talk with the celebrant, who is clearly like 'Dan Andrews mate, don't you have a pandemic to address?' Russell finally meets Beth. 

'You're now the First Lady of my electorate.' The ceremony can only be described as mortifying. 

When Beth asks Russell if he likes the beach, he says he has issues with seaweed (too soon mate), and when they talk about the food they requested for the day, Russell says: hot chips.

Now. 

We all love hot chips. 

Obviously.

But your wedding day is perhaps the one day of your life you probably shouldn't have hot chips. 

It's at this point we realise that this wedding says everything about what society thinks women deserve. Beth is educated, accomplished and beautiful, and she's matched with a man who doesn't know what salmon is. 

"She should cry within 45 minutes of meeting."

We quote, 'you just order a schnitzel'. 

Again, sir. Yes. But not on your wedding day. 

As the reality of what has happened dawns on her, Beth starts to sob uncontrollably. 

It's not that Russell is a bad person. It's just that she doesn't have time for a Russell right now. 

Russell watches his new wife violently cry and concludes it's probably:

a) nothing to do with him

b) also nothing to do with him

c) definitely nothing to do with him

He approaches her and asks about the "leaky tap with the eyes problem" and this is what we mean Beth does not have time for a man who refers to crying as an eye problem. 

"Ew your eyes are all leaky."

At their reception, Russell gets a bit of an 'eye problem' over the severe lack of hot chips and no one has ever been less impressed than Beth. 

She reasons that it's not humanly possible for someone to be this awkward and there must be more to him but the night ends and there's... not.

The next morning she wakes up to Russell shouting, "MORNING HOW YOU DOING," and why are you behaving like an eight-year-old at a sleepover? 

At this point, Beth's marriage has become a novelty and if she doesn't laugh she'll scream directly in the face of John Aiken. Russell doesn't know what a kiwi fruit... is. Or granola. 

Beth says it's like an alien has landed and she needs to teach him about earthly things and holy SHIT that describes most heterosexual relationships. 

Eventually she encourages Russell to try an olive, to which he announces "I don't like it". 

Cool. 

Over on Patrick and Belinda's honeymoon, Patrick is freaking the f**k out because their hotel room has no bathroom door. We think he's going to be subtle about his anxieties but then he yells "I'VE GONE FROM MEETING HER TO HAVING TO SH*T WITH NO DOOR" and yep that's... that's it, isn't it.

"Right on her pillow."

Patrick continues to spiral because he has to do a poo, so he puts a concoction of strange things in an under-filled bathtub and then forces Belinda to sit in it. She asks if she can please exit the bath and dear God now Patrick is upset and it all comes back to needing to poo.

HOLY YES TOMORROW NIGHT IS THE DINNER PARTY. UNTIL THEN. 

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In case you missed our previous recaps...

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 1: You can't just comment on someone's... teeth.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 2: Coco's husband would like to be brutally honest.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 3: Precisely no girl wants to be told she's 'not ugly'.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 4: A bride just realised she had a one night stand.