The Twins recap Married at First Sight: When you break up in front of your parents.

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It's the day after the Commitment Ceremony, and everyone is bitching about Bryce which seems appropriate and also necessary. 

Of course, over in Bryce and Melissa's apartment, Bryce shouts "WE'RE BEING TARGETED BY TOXIC PEOPLE" and we don't want to be impolite but Bryce we think you might be. The toxic. People. 

"It's us two against the world at the moment," he whispers to Melissa while holding her too tightly and someone call the fckn police like three episodes ago. 

But ALERT ALERT. We have a late check-in ALERT. 

It's Jaimie and Chris. And apparently this morning, Jaimie told her husband that the only reason she wrote Stay at the Commitment Ceremony was to save face and LADY WHY. 

We need to acknowledge a recurring theme here, and we'd like it brought to the attention of the very important people who make MAFS.

Why do all the best bits happen off camera. Why would you let Jaimie be rude to Chris without a camera present? You know we'd all really like to see that?

And today, you failed. 

What were you filming instead? Belinda and Patrick's weird duck noises? Like ffs. 

Jaimie and Chris now refuse to speak/look at each other, so an eager producer whispers: "Look. I wanna get some lunch. So if we can get the fight happening now as opposed to in an hour that would be fab. Thnx."

Chris obliges because he is kind. 

He asks Jaimie to come and "have a chat with us" so, yeah, now he has a producer on his side. 

He brings up how only this morning Jaimie asked him to "stop being so nice because you're making me look bad" on camera, and Jaimie is horrified because this makes her look really, really bad. Which wasn't part of their deal.

Now I just look silly. 

Chris kindly explains that he doesn't want to go anywhere near her again and storms out, signalling the end of what cannot be described as a 'relationship' but rather a week long 'fight'. 

Jaimie says it's a relief and keeps sipping a large glass of water slowly and no offence but why are you so thirsty??

But for the other new couples, the experts have decided to reintroduce a wholesome activity that really brings people together. 

The. Photo. Ranking. Task. Because it went so well last time. 

Johnny asks, horrified, "Wait, so we do this in front of each other???" and we know it's so f*cked up hey.

Because it's the rules??? 

Kerry begins by putting Brett first, and provides a 100,000 word PhD thesis on why Brett is the best, including his personality but also his looks and in addition his soul. Johnny feigns interest, so Kerry goes into more helpful detail about Brett's great fashion choices but also his charm and would you like to know more Johnny?? Because he's not just HOT he's also SEXY and intellectual and so on. 

Johnny... understands. But thankfully, when it comes time for Kerry to rank him, she puts him first (like a normal person), saying: "What did they say the other day? Taylor Lautner and Rafael Nadal's love child?"

OK. Who said that. Because that's the most accurate observation we've ever heard. 

Someone has given this... too much thought. 

Over in Liam's apartment, he's placed Kerry first in his hotness ranking, complimenting her 'blonde hair', which is strange, given she's objectively brunette. 

When it comes time to include his wife Georgia in the ranking, he agonises over whether to put her before Kerry or after Kerry and sir.

The photo ranking task tests one thing: do you actually care about the feelings of another human being. And Liam, like many men before him, fails.

Interestingly, if you look closely you can see the precise moment Georgia dares him to put her second.

I dare you. 

To not put me first. 

You absurdly silly little man.  

Georgia explains that she’s not pissed off or anything, but just like, why? And great question Georgia. Yeah, Liam. Why?

It is at this point that Liam realises he has made a grave error and, mate. Georgia literally told you where she belongs. Which is first. She told you (helpfully) more than once. And yet you put her second. After Kerry. The blonde. Who is actually brunette.

Georgia proceeds to behave like all of us if we were put second and says it’s fine that she’s second like she doesn’t even care she just thinks there should be a better reason, and so true.  

But the experts quickly realise that they’re spending too much time breaking the new couples, and not enough time traumatising the old ones. 

So they decide to do a new challenge that Mel just made up an hour ago. 

Everyone has to go to the MOVIES. But it’s not actually a movie! It’s a Zoom call. With their parents. Who have watched all of their Commitment Ceremonies and have comments/opinions on their behaviour. 

First up are Belinda and Patrick.

Belinda’s family is all like: “Yeah you’re coming across well. On the television. You’re not bringing shame to your friends and family. Yet. That Bryce tho. Lol.” And they all have a good laugh. 

Belinda’s sister notes her and Patrick seem to be on different pages with their affection and WHY IS ANYONE TALKING TO THEIR FAMILY ABOUT BEING INTIMATE. 

It’s all fine except for Patrick’s dad who would literally rather be anywhere else. Than… here.

Definitely not. 

Next to arrive at the cinema are Bryce and Melissa.

When Bryce realises it’s a call home, he (just) stops himself from politely asking if his girlfriend is there and if he can have a quick (dirty) chat with her. 

Bryce’s mum throws down, explaining that all she’s seen are overreactions which she has found “concerning”.

“I don’t know what possessed you to rank Melissa four… if you thought you’d be honest, that’s just dumb. If you need to rank her, then lie,” she says and hold up a goddamn moment.

Are we… are we calling Melissa ugly right now? 

Bryce explains that it wasn't the nicest thing to do and he "knew it was going to hurt her" BUT "he didn't do it to hurt her on purpose," and mate it's never going to make sense that you ranked your own wife fourth in a line up of women. 

Mostly, we just really enjoy how disappointed Bryce's mother is in him.

"All three experts have picked your personality," she yells. "You become defensive, you become outspoken, and I’m thinking you’re not even listening, you need to listen."

(Everyone's against me) 

She then calls out his immaturity and the fact he keeps embarrassing Melissa and can we replace one of the experts with Bryce's mum because she speaks nothing but the truth????

Bryce doesn't listen to anything his mum says because she doesn't have the whole story (such as the fact that he would prefer blue eyes, and that's hard for him), and Melissa simply rocks back and forth, insisting that she's very happy.

BUT EXCUSE US THINGS HAVE TURNED TO SH*T WITH BEC AND JAKE AND WE WANT TO KNOW WHY PLS. 

Apparently Bec snapped at Jake and resorted to “foul language” and yeah like that sounds right but pause.

Again.

Guys.

You had one job. Get the rudeness on camera? So we can see it? And judge for ourselves? Where were you this time srsly. 

... No. 

They attend the theatre not even speaking to each other, and are greeted by their parents on the screen. 

Bec’s mum begins by yelling at Jake about “objecting” her daughter on their wedding day and describes it as a “big red flag” and no Bec’s brother sitting beside her is mortified. By this situation. 

Mum. Why did she do that. Everyone starts shouting over Zoom which we all know is actually really hard because of the split second delay, and it soon becomes clear that Bec and Jake are… breaking up. In front of their parents. On the Zoom call. 

By the end they just call it and acknowledge their relationship is unsalvageable. Bec’s mum wonders if that means she doesn’t get to yell at Jake for being sh*t anymore. And, yeah. That’s probably what it means. 

UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT. 

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In case you missed our previous recaps...

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 17: The most tone-deaf groom in MAFS history.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 16: Bryce 100%, without a doubt, has a secret girlfriend.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 15: The wife who can't stop insulting her 'grotty' husband.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 14: When your wife ruins a stranger's wedding.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 13: The most embarrassing thing we've ever seen.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 12: "I hope everyone in Australia hates your guts."

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 11: We're kind of... into this cheating scandal.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 10: You can't just force people to have sex.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 9. When you're a d**k to your wife on national television.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 8: The beginning of a dirty cheatin' scandal.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 7: How was any of that... allowed.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 6: John Aiken just changed the rules.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 5: When you see your match and can't stop crying.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 4: A bride just realised she had a one night stand.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 3: Precisely no girl wants to be told she's 'not ugly'.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 2: Coco's husband would like to be brutally honest.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 1: You can't just comment on someone's... teeth.