The Twins recap Married at First Sight: "I'm actually speechless."

March 18, 2020

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OK.

You know what we really don’t need right now?

Reality television shows wasting our time.

In fairness, the producers of Married at First Sight likely had no idea that the pointy end of this series would be airing during a global pandemic. They thought it would continue to be week night trash that people watched voluntarily while also eating dinner.

But now this is a national pastime and the only thing getting us through our day-to-day life do you understand. And we didn’t wait all day for a series of flashbacks.

Clare and Jessie Stephens

March 18, 2020

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The Spill

We begin with Mishel in tears asking no one in particular, "Have we failed the experiment?" and sweetie, no.

How do we put this. The experiment failed you and all of us.

Speaking of failure, Connie appears to be psychologically/spiritually/emotionally broken, which is precisely why her mum gently suggested this was a terrible idea.

We're given flashbacks of Connie's pre-existing insecurities about her appearance and we're all very glad she got paired with someone who last night announced in front of the nation he wasn't attracted to her.

Cool.

Over in Michael and Stacey's apartment, there's news.

It looks like Michael will have to relocate to Melbourne for work for three months as soon as the experiment finishes and how is Stacey meant to live in his Adelaide mansion if he is all the way in Melbourne did he even consider that wtf.

"You'll need someone to watch over it while you're gone."

Stacey pretends that 'trust' is the issue, because she doesn't know if she can trust him while he is away from her for so long and are you kidding we wouldn't trust Michael on the fckn train for 11 minutes let alone in the same city as the girl (HAYLES) that he cheated on you with four weeks ago.

But the couples are preparing for the Commitment Ceremony and Jonnie is practising how he will break up with Connie for the third time.

He asks Michael if maybe he isn't enunciating the word properly so keeps shouting "LE-AVE" "LEEEVE" "LEAVÉ" and Michael doesn't understand so suggests that maybe they get a translator in for the night to clear up any... confusion.

A producer emerges from under the lounge and asks what it is Jonethen is trying to say, so he writes "Leave" 402 times on the wall until his hands bleed.

But everyone is still shaking their heads in bewilderment until one man mutters, "I don't get it if you don't want to be with her then just put her toothbrush in human shit and be done with it?"

Connie, however, isn't convinced that your partner wanting to leave you is a good enough reason to just call off your relationship. (It is).

"Can we just ride it out?" Connie asks and NO YOU CAN'T BECAUSE JONNIE HASN'T CONSENTED TO THIS RELATIONSHIP FOR THREE WEEKS NOW AND SOMETIMES WE NEED TO LET PEOPLE BREAK UP WITH US.

Meanwhile, Michael has his own concerns.

"I get lonely, I hate being by myself," he says, reflecting on moving to Melbourne, and yes he is already working out how but also when he’s going to have a cheeky cheat on his wife Stacey.

As the couples walk into the Commitment Ceremony we're shown several minutes of weird flashbacks and echoing voices from the experiment which makes them all seem haunted and/or possessed.

John Aiken turns his head 360 degrees and announces that this is the last Commitment Ceremony of the season and we never thought we'd say this but we need new fckn couples because what the fck are we going to do when this show is fckn over.

The experts begin with Steve and Mishel who say their relationship is just lovely even though they don't touch. Physically. Ever.

They say maybe now isn't their time. But maybe tomorrow. Or not. It depends. On what they cannot tell you.

Which is fine. But it sounds a lot like you're procrastinating your... marriage.

Trish is angry because she has already shared the only piece of advice she has... which is to send sixy tixts... and if sixy texts don't work for Steve then what?

She gets very upset and starts stomping her feet which makes John Aiken impatient.

"Dad," he whispers.

"We can call it. It’s friends not lovers. It ain’t going anywhere… It’s not going anywhere now and it ain't going anywhere in future. And I'm calling BS on this.”

But Steve doesn't like being told what to do by his eldest son, so chooses to stay and continue sending thumbs-up emojis to Mishel's nudes.

Next up are KC and Drew, and KC tells them about the time her mum yelled at her fake husband for not banging her.

The experts think that's very healthy but also productive, and Trish asks for some details regarding where Drew put his fingers and when etc. etc.

But it's Stacey and Michael's turn, and Michael shares with the experts that he needs to move to Melbourne as soon as the experiment finishes.

Stacey brings up her trust issues, but she has another concern.

It's the moving van.

It's already outside Michael's house. With her... things. And her... children.

She's offered to house sit for Michael and feed his cat but Michael doesn't have a cat and SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHY SHE CAN'T JUST LIVE IN HIS HOME IF HE'S NOT EVEN USING IT.

The experts nod empathetically, and both Michael and Stacey choose to stay.

Next, it's time for Lizzie and Seb, who tell the experts about the time Seb went to visit Lizzie's family and got yelled at for being poor.

Lizzie explains that, financially, it's a tough time to be a Returning MAFS Bride, and she needs some financial security. From Seb. And his investment properties.

The experts suggest that perhaps Seb could have more money, and then Lizzie's mum wouldn't hate him so much, and everyone agrees that that's the most workable solution.

Finally, Connie and Jonethen sit on the couch, and pause.

It's Connie. She's... broken.

She cannot speak (she can only cry) and no one quite knows what to do.

Jonethen starts casually talking about the homestay where he got grilled by Connie's friends, but it's hard for him to focus when the person beside him is looking like this:

The experts ask if Connie's OK and she replies, "not really," and then they continue asking questions about her clearly failed marriage.

When it comes time for the decision, Jonnie chooses to leave and HOW MUCH CLEARER CAN THIS MAN BE.

Connie starts crying and Mel yells TISSUES JOHN DON'T YOU HAVE TISSUES THERE and John doesn't have tissues because he didn't realise as a psychologist that he should have them handy and Connie asks if she can have a moment of privacy.

She was definitely hoping the cameras... wouldn't follow her, but instead, we're shown a bizarre scene of Jonnie reminding her how to breathe and eventually convincing her to re-enter the situation that is now making her physically unwell.

But when it comes time for Connie's decision, she chooses to stay.

In the experiment.

With the man. Who has now said. He wants to leave. At least. Four times.

Sweetie why.

Connie explains that the finish line is so close but this is not a competition. There is no prize. Only Jonnie. Who will leave. As soon as he is contractually able to.

"I'm actually speechless," Jonnie says but literally everyone else is CONGRATULATING CONNIE on what - we cannot be sure.

She looks proud, and smiles in anticipation at her husband who has broken up with her, publicly, three times now.

UNTIL NEXT WEEK.

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