The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 21: The commitment ceremony breaks a man.

March 3, 2019

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It’s the morning after the dinner party, and, yes, Jessika is regretting the time she tried to steal two women’s husbands on national television.

She’s hungover with shame and knows she’s about to get in trouble from a) her husband, b) the other contestants and c) John Aiken.

Speaking of husbands Jessika tried to steal, Dan is moving into his apartment with Tamara and says, “This is a bit FLASH isn’t it,” and no. Not really.

He admits to his wife that he ‘thinks’ Jessika may have had the ‘wrong intentions’ when she began stripping at the dinner table, yelled ‘YOU’RE A MEWL NOTTA SNAK,’ and then publicly offered him an ambiguous sexual favour involving his butthole.

Clare and Jessie Stephens

March 3, 2019

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The Spill

Oh.

Over at Martha and Michael's place, Martha has transformed the entire apartment into a make up studio and how did she get away with it.

Michael places a blueberry on what is clearly her bronzer table and he apologises for existing in what is now a medium-sized Mecca store.

martha-mafs — "Or I can check out the back?"

SHHH it's the Commitment Ceremony and John Aiken seems shitty for reasons that have become increasingly clear.

Look. We haven't wanted to say anything. It's uncomfortable. But for the past several weeks, expert Trish hasn't been...

She hasn't been pulling her weight and Mel and John have made a formal complaint.

All she asks is, "How's the intimacy?" while smiling like a lunatic and frankly the other experts find it inappropriate.

She's not being helpful in a) gathering gossip or b) starting conflict, which makes her entirely redundant to this process.

mafs — "There have been 11 complaints about you, Trish."

"We're at the halfway point of this experiment," John Aiken tells us and HOLY F*CKING SHIT HOW CAN THERE BE A SECOND HALF TO WHAT ALREADY FEELS LIKE INFINITY.

Dan and Tamara are first on the couch and no one, least of all us, is remotely interested in their relationship, so John Aiken asks about their (lame) honeymoon.

"We got intimate pretty quick if that's what you're asking," Dan says and no, sir, no one was asking.

"How compatible are you sexually?" Trish asks a little too loudly and everyone knows she's just asking questions because she's been told she has to.

Their response to each other appears to be "eh" and so they both decide to stay.

OH GOODNESS it's our unlikely favourites Ning and Mark.

Their relationship dynamic continues to be that Ning hates Mark and Mark is indifferent to Ning which works for both of them but mostly us.

They decide to stay and Mark draws a road on his card which (obviously) irritates Ning and we just know she'll bring it up later and we hope Mark apologises.

ning mafs — "The road represents you hating me. Forever."

HUSH.

It's Cyrell and Nic.

In case you missed it, last week Cyrell went Full Bus Stop. And by that we mean she engaged in the sort of physical violence you only ever see on public transport and you know what we mean.

"I turned into a monster that I've hidden for years," Cyrell says in her crying voice and DARLING WE LOVE YOU ALWAYS.

"I attacked Martha," she says and yes sweetie we know we were all there.

cyrell-mafs — "I'm also sorry to the fruit bowl."

Nic decides to leave mostly because of the physical assault, but Cyrell decides to stay and don't you dare explain the rules, John Aiken.

Don't. You. Dare.

John Aiken yells that they BOTH HAVE TO STAY and Cyrell assures Nic, "I'm going to fight for you..."

But Cyrell that probably isn't the right... language to be using... after the week you've... had. Sweetie.

Next up are Mel and Dino and OH we actually care this week after Dino broke the law etc.

Dino announces that, yes, he might have recorded Mel's private phone conversation with her sister but that was only because he wanted to blackmail her later.

Mel then decides to share her feelings but...

John Aiken doesn't give a f*ck.

He has decided he's sick of listening to people's problems, which is problematic given his career choice as a psychologist. He also has a particularly good episode of Air Crash Investigation recorded that he would like to get home to, so if we could just hurry this all along that would be great.

john-aiken-mafs — "Ever thought of that??"

"OK guys shut up this is boring for me you staying or leaving?" he eventually asks and, oh. They both decide to leave.

"Biiiiiiiiii" John Aiken says and excuse us can we pls make a bigger fuss?

"Some couples fall in love and unfortunately for you it didn't work out," he says, mid-yawn. "Hopefully you've learnt some things," he adds before ushering them towards the door.

Jesus, John.

But then.

"Do you mind if I read something real quick?" Dino asks and John whispers, "yes I mind," as Dino begins a very strange poem he never should have written.

Mel decides that Dino isn't that bad, and will be a great person to have on Facebook to laugh at bi-weekly.

jess mafs — "HAHA remember when I was fake married to him and he spied on me HAHA"

Next are Susie and Billy, who greet the experts with, "Really nice to meet you guys."

..................

.............

Wait. Why have this couple allegedly matched by a panel of experts not met the experts?

This confirms our suspicions that they were chosen by a lone producer who was wildly entertained by the fact that Susie had a baby named Baby.

Billy tells the three strangers that Susie has told him the following:

'I need to use his big boy words'
'I have no balls'
'I'm too small'
'I have no balls'
'I'm not a man and therefore I should man up'
'I have no balls'

After falling asleep for approximately three minutes John Aiken awakes to hear Susie say that Billy's just really "awkward" and "the things that come out of his mouth freak me out," and no.

John is furious mostly because he was mid nap.

"IT'S DOIN' MA HEAD IN," he shouts.

"Do you think you're better than Billy?" John asks Susie and she says 'no', but only because in her head she's thinking, 'Sir, I know I'm better than Billy'.

He accuses Susie of feeling "contempt" for her husband which is a startlingly correct insight for a man who was unconscious until one minute ago.

Susie attempts to explain that she's only doing that because she hates him, spiritually, mentally etc. and John Aiken barks "I JUST WANT TO WATCH MY AIR CRASH INVESTIGATION FFS," and banishes them from his couch.

Finally it's time for Jessika and Mick, and Jessika is nervous that there will be words about how she unsuccessfully attempted to cheat on her husband several times.