The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 29: We've never been so frustrated by a TV show.

March 17, 2019

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We’re facing Commitment Ceremony number 1085 and no, Jules can’t stop crying.

Reflecting on last night’s dinner party, she says, “I just get really affected when there’s a lot of hatred and yelling…” and okay but then why are you on this show.

cam — "I reckon we're gonna get the Logie this year sweetie."

Jules tells Cam she just wants to leave the experiment and live with him normally, which is STRICTLY against the rules. You're not allowed to leave until the nation has seen your relationship fall apart do you understand?

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March 17, 2019

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Meanwhile, Cyrell has zero regrets about breaking her good behaviour bond at the dinner party by starting multiple fights intentionally.

She went home and dreamt of gossip, then woke up this morning feeling warm and content in the knowledge that she yelled "LIAR" in a grown woman's face last night.

She explains that she was particularly sensitive to Jess' dishonesty because, "I got cheated on while I was engaged," and holy shit what person would have the guts to cheat on Cyrell and what hospital is he in now?

But Cyrell isn't the only one excited by the gossip.

Martha has told Michael about how Jess cheated on Mike with Dan and goodness there is an unprecedented level of assumed knowledge about this show after seven weeks and we'd like to sincerely apologise.

gif — If Dan has a Tamara and Jess has a Mick then divide that by two, subtract one and you've got an affair.

Even Martha thinks what Jess is doing is wrong and that's when you know it's really bad.

Michael suggests they tell Tamara about her husband's affair with another woman and YES PLS WE WOULD SUPPORT THAT DECISION THANK YOU DARLING.

Over in Dan and Tamara's apartment, Tamara is still trying to dissect the drama of last night.

"I know why they call her Cyclone Cyrell," she says with a smirk and excuse us no one speaks about our Cyrell like that.

Dan wanders over to the camera and says insightful things about Jess like, "I have fun WITHA. I KISSA. I have fun with the girl," but shut up Dan no one is invested in the romantic development of your affair.

Jess also seems to think we care about how much she likes Dan.

What is far more interesting, however, is that for three weeks now Mick has been reading a novelty sized book and WHY WOULD AN ADULT READ A BOOK OF THAT SIZE IT'S UPSETTING.

HUSH NOW. It's time for the Commitment Ceremony and Mick has brought his suitcase and plane ticket along with him as well as his travellin' thongs which, again, appear to have been purchased from a petrol station.

First up are Heidi and Mike and we don't want it.

They had a huge argument in their apartment this morning about towels but we don't care.

Mike has been showering and leaving wet towels all over the floor to the point where Heidi has nothing to dry her body with, which everyone knows can lead to things such as fungal infections but also generally being cold and wet.

But. John. Aiken. Doesn't. Like. Heidi. Did they used to date or something because we don't get it.

john-aiken-heidi — "If it's not Heidi whinging again. Like she did when we dated in '03."

"I really can't dry..." Heidi begins.

"IT'S NOT ABOUT THE TOWELS," John Aiken interjects.

"But... they're my towels, and I have to put my clothes on while I'm still damp..." Heidi adds.

"YOU DON'T SEE MIKE COMPLAINING ABOUT TOWELS," John Aiken yells.

"But that's because..."

"NO HEIDI. YOU'RE SCARED OF COMMITMENT. FIX YOURSELF AND BUY THE MAN SOME ADDITIONAL TOWELS," John Aiken demands and we think that sounds like terrible advice because... why is a grown man leaving his used towels on the floor ffs.

Heidi apologises for ever wanting to be dry, and returns to her (damp) seat.

Next up are Cyrell and Nic, and Cyrell would like to announce to the group that, yes, she's chosen 'starting shit' over Nic and she does not regret it.

"I don't know if you've ever started shit," she says to expert Trish, who she's yet to hear speak, "but my God lady, there's no feeling like it."

Trish nods enthusiastically.

"At 29 who's going to put up with that?" John Aiken asks judgementally, but Cyrell simply says, "Someone will," and yes, sweetie, we like your confidence.

We feel inspired by Cyrell's attitude, which is to a) abandon self improvement and b) hit bitches.

Nic and Cyrell both choose to leave.

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Tamara and Dan are next to face the experts and before they've even sat down, Trish demands to know the last time they were intimate.

They explain it was about two weeks ago, and Trish aggressively interrupts with "WHY SO LONG," but Trish... a few loud questions are never going to make up for the fact that you've been slacking off for two months now.

Tamara says she can't quite put her finger on what changed in their relationship, and softly we hear Jess' voice whisper, 'oh I can...'.

As a side note, Dan has started to include the phrase 'to be honest with you...' in literally every sentence he says, which is deeply ironic because he's being honest with precisely no one.

They both choose to stay and dear God WON'T SOMEONE PLEASE LISTEN TO CYRELL SHE MIGHT BE VIOLENT BUT SHE'S BIZARRELY PERCEPTIVE.

It's time for Susie and Billy.

Billy launches into a rehearsed speech about how Susie treated him, the theme of self-respect, and also the interesting observation that her friends are 'enablers'.

He glances at the group, pausing for a standing ovation, but everyone's kinda tired and bored so all you can hear is Mick scratching his big toe and Dan texting Jess.

It's underwhelming.

Unsurprisingly, Susie responds with vicious cruelty, but no one can be bothered calling it out.

They both choose to leave, and John Aiken concludes with an ambiguous instruction to "learn from this," without even vaguely specifying a) what they should have learnt or b) what he means by 'this'.

Finally, it's Jess and Mick's turn to talk to the experts, and heavens to Betsy the thongs are as confronting as ever.

mick-shoes — "They were $4.99. The tinea was included. For free."

John Aiken wants to start some shit so asks Jess about the fight at the dinner party.

"I JUST NEED YOUSE TO KNOW," Cyrell pipes up from the back and Martha says, "YOUSE ISN'T A WORD".

No.

No.

No one speaks to our Cyrell like that. And only half of what is said on this show is ever a word but you don't hear us complaining.

Cyrell continues, unfazed, because as everyone knows 'youse' is a word. It means 'all of youse, over there'. Obviously.

"Unfortunately with Jess you can catalogue a history of dishonesty from day one..." Mike says and OK shut up Mike but also pls keep going.

Mick's card reveals that for the third week in a row he wants to FCKN LEAVE and his handwriting continues to get more and more desperate.

As Jess explains her decision... he realises.

"NO. NO YOU'RE NOT ARE YA," he starts yelling as her card reveals 'Stay'.

"NO YA DIDN'T. REDRAW. REDRAW," and sweetie that's not at all how this works.

Jess tries to awkwardly explain that she just doesn't want Mick to hate her... so that's why she's keeping him... to cheat on him... when he could be... doing literally anything else.

Someone seriously needs to let this man go home. Let him water his plants and go back to work.

You can't just make someone stay on television against their will indefinitely.

... Can you?

UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.

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Catch up on all our recaps, right here:

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 28: The confrontation we've all been waiting for.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 27: A grown man just snapped on national television.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 26: One woman's family throws out a groom.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 25: Jessika. You need to go home.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 24: Two people just cheated and... hang on.