To catch up on all the Married at First Sight 2019 recaps and gossip, check out the Twins recaps and visit our MAFS hub page.
SHHHH PLS IT’S TIME FOR THE FIRST COMMITMENT CEREMONY which is exactly like couples therapy except a) public and b) unhelpful.
But there are also rules, and no they don’t make sense.
You see, each person gets to choose whether they want to stay or leave the experiment, but if one person in a couple wants to stay, and the other wants to leave, they both have to stay.
That's literally the opposite to how relationships work but okay.
As everyone is busy discussing their decisions, Ines interrupts, "WHY'S EVERYONE HAVING GOOD MARRIAGES AND MINE'S FULL DOGSHIT," and look, we've all wanted to yell this about our relationship at one point or another.
She then spends the next half an hour trying to convince people to trade husbands like in primary school when you had an apple but YOU REALLY WANTED A FCKN LCM.
"When he asks for my hobbies I say Range Rovers and handbags and he can't accept that's what I like," she says and handbags aren't a hobby but we'll allow it.
Finally the production team decides that Ines needs full time supervision so the ceremony officially commences.
First up are Jules and Cam who have been together for 18 years now and are expecting their fourth grandchild. The experts are very proud of the fact that after failing more times than they thought possible, they've finally accidentally matched a couple whose relationship might not descend into full blown verbal abuse.
Oh.
It's Mike and Heidi's turn and Mike keeps repeating, "Let's just say I'm sleeping like a baby," with a weird wink and NO WE DON'T GET IT.
Heidi brings up the time on her honeymoon when Mike shut her down for speaking about herself for longer than two minutes and Mike is shocked because a) that was in the past, and b) no one cares what you have to say, Heidi.
The experts suggest that maybe Mike could listen to his human woman say things some of the time, and they both decide to stay.
This relationship is doomed and we're... looking forward to it.
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Next up are Former Virgin Matt and Lauren, who hardly get the chance to sit down before expert Trish demands to know HAVE YOU DONE THE SIX.
They make an announcement to the group that, yes, Former Virgin Matt has inserted his (full) penis into Lauren's vagina and then we get circus music for reasons that are currently unclear.
People's reactions can be summarised as follows:
Lauren is reminded by the experts that Former Virgin Matt is still an endangered species and she must be very careful with him.
SHUT UP IT'S TIME FOR SAM AND ELIZABETH.
Sam is asked about the whole 'leaving the country indefinitely when he had prior reality TV show commitments' thing and he takes his time to explain.
“The wedding was great but the physical attraction wasn’t there, which led to the death of a woman in another country whose funeral I had to attend and WHAT ABOUT THIS DOESN'T MAKE SENSE."
The man has a point.
The experts then focus on the "power of a text message," and how hard it was for Elizabeth while Sam was "away at the funeral," and why is everyone ignoring the elephant in the room?
Where the f*ck is the death certificate?
Sam says he has chosen to leave because his time is very valuable, like when he quit his life to go on a reality show, and then went to Ibiza for a week with the boiz for no reason.
Elizabeth, however, has chosen to stay, and oh goodness Sam suddenly has a very important phone call to take and his distant aunty Carmel has cancer of the... knee.
It's terminal. She's dead now. The funeral's tonight but also for the next two weeks. HE NEEDS TO BE THERE ELIZABETH HOW CAN YOU BE SO COLD.
(It's in Mykonos).
"IS THAT YOUR PLAN TO JUST PUNISH POOR SAM FOR THE WEEK," Mike yells at Elizabeth from the back, and um... yes?
Couples continue to stay together and we don't care until it gets to Mick and Jessika.
"I'm embarrassed to be here," Mick says and omg same.
They're fighting because Jessika heard an 'allegation' that Mike, Heidi's husband, called her fake, and then confronted him at the dinner party.
She also had 11 and a half vodka sodas, which in hindsight may have complicated the situation.
Mick decides to stay mostly because he has nowhere else to be and Jessika is glad because this exposure should get her at least another few hundred Instagram followers.
DEAR GOD it's time for Ines and Bronson and we think she brought her receipt to return him.
Ines begins by calmly explaining, "I don't want him f*cking touching me," and then says if they're not going to help with the exchange then can she pls speak to the manager. Immediately.
When no one will agree with her that the product she received was faulty, Ines decides to bring up the "f*cking eyebrow ring," before assuring the lovely sales people that she truly did want to fall in love but just not with that... thing.
She suggests that if they cannot offer her a refund she is more than happy to accept an exchange and since Sam is hot and hates his wife, he will do.
Mel thinks that this relationship might have 'fractured' and MEL THE WOMAN CALLED HER HUSBAND A BALL SACK TWO DAYS INTO THEIR RELATIONSHIP.
Bronson says there are glimpses of Ines he likes, but then "the next morning she's back to being a..."
No.
He did not.
"I'm not calling her a ****," Bronson clarifies. "I'm saying she acts like a ****" and phew goodness because we were worried YOU'D JUST SAID THE C WORD ON THE TELEVISION.
Everyone loses their minds, but no one as much as expert Mel.
"A tip from me to you," she says. "Don't call women that word on television because it means our producers have to beep it out and they've been through enough."
Despite having called Ines a... name... Bronson decides to stay and...
Sir.
The experts conclude that it would appear their communication style has become 'toxic' and requires 'immediate intervention' which feels like a 'profound understatement.'
UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.
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Catch up on all our recaps, right here:
The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 1: A best man's speech just ruined an entire wedding.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 2: We need to talk about Ivan.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 3: A bride sabotages her own wedding and GURL.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 4: The man who'd rather his woman not speak.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 5: One man has concerns about his wife's weight and... no.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 6: We have a shameful theory about the runaway groom.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 8: We finally know why Sam refused to contact his wife.
And for more Married at First Sight 2019 recaps and gossip, visit our MAFS hub page. We've got you covered.
