The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 6: We have a shameful theory about the runaway groom.

February 4, 2019

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Everyone, SHHH.

Elizabeth has woken up the night after her fake wedding to discover her fake groom is now a Missing Person.

We know what’s happened.

Sam has woken Elizabeth up at 5.15am with a whistle yelling “IT’S TIME FOR A RUN NOW LADY,” because although he doesn’t really care about physical appearance, he was hoping Elizabeth would have a brand new body by Thursday. At the latest. Elizabeth told him she would never be in a relationship with someone who uses words like ‘running’ and so murders him and now is trying to bury…

Oh.

He’s on the phone next door.

Listen to our Married at First Sight podcast, The Recap, where we talk about the funniest show on television. Post continues below.

You see, Sam says he woke up early this morning to news that his ex-girlfriend’s mother had died, and he needs to leave. Immediately.

Look. We’re not in the business of deciding who has and who has not died. It’s inappropriate and judgemental. What we are in the business of, is saying that Sam comes across as someone who might be… lying.

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This is mostly because when he says the funeral is overseas and Elizabeth asks where, he pauses for upwards of 11 minutes while he tries to remember the name of any country before mumbling, ‘Nw Zlend’.

Maybe he is telling the truth. But the prerogative of Channel Nine's production team is to make him look shady and we respect that.

Now that Elizabeth has been destroyed both psychologically and spiritually, it's time to MATCH MORE COUPLES WOOHOO.

First we meet Ines who terrifies everyone she meets but most of all John Aiken.

She opens up about being a refugee and watching her younger sister be born in a refugee camp, commenting that she feels her childhood was stolen from her.

John Aiken feels embarrassed for Ines because obviously she thought this was a real therapy session. He taps loudly on his sign that says "Gossip only", and John Aiken, pls. We don't know how you keep your license with that sign.

He then adds, "At least ur not a virgin lol. Do u think ur too hot 4 love or no?"

Cool.

Ines is matched with Bronson who apparently runs like eight businesses, all of which he refuses to name.

Match number 15099: Angry Ines with Former Stripper Bronson

Pros:

....

Both thought this... thing was a good idea.

Cons:

Have never met before

Ines' temper

The fact that all of Ines' family have refused to participate because of their level of humiliation

Next we meet our FINAL couple and there's something we've... noticed.

Kim Kardashian has signed up for this show and is pretending to have a Greek family and sweetie your career must be in the toilet.

But Kim has always been a hustler and so tells the family she's hired that she's getting married to a stranger for love but also the Instagram followers.

"YOU DID THE SAME THING" she yells at her grandma who had an arranged marriage and, Kim, it's safer to be matched randomly than by John Aiken and you know that's true.

Grandma spends the rest of the night rocking back and forth, wearing black - the colour of mourning, and praying under her breath.

The experts pretend to 'choose' Michael even though he is literally the last one left. They overcompensate by showing us the shirt sniffing and also Trish with her iPad which she is very proud of.

Michael is a PE teacher which seems fine until we learn he only has five students in his class all whom appear to be different ages and don't wear uniforms.

mafs-michael — Why is your classroom... fake.

PE Teacher Michael and Martha AKA Kim Kardashian

michael-martha-mafs — Kanye gonna be pissed.

Pros:

Were not actually matched by experts, were just last two left

Cons:

Martha is already married to Kanye West and has three children, North, Saint and Chicago

Mel Schilling appears to have an unhealthy interest in Michael

WEDDING TIME PLS

Ines has decided to tell her sister about the whole cancelling her life to get fake married on television thing, and oh shit. Judging by the wailing we think her sister might have actually watched the show before.

ines mafs — "I'm in all the Facebook groups and I hate myself."

HUSH.

It's the day of the wedding and when asked how she feels Ines says "I'm horny" which isn't what we were... expecting.

But when she sees Bronson she barks that he needs to remove his eyebrow piercing immediately "please". It's one of those rare cases where the word 'please' makes it significantly ruder.

Ines warms to Bronson though, minutes later telling the camera, "When he smiled I wanted to punch him in the jaw," mostly because she was getting serious "inbred vibes" which definitely isn't a thing you're allowed to say. Ever.

Sweetie who let you on this show?

A producer suggests to Bronson that it might make things better if he tells Ines that he used to be a male stripper and it certainly does not.

Ines says she's 'disgusted' but also 'mortified' and would not like Bronson to touch her anymore because she doesn't want to catch stripper.

At the reception, Bronson's dad gives a speech about how they've lost three members of their immediate family in a short period of time and Ines starts crying because she thinks she might have been mean to Bronson for no reason.

But when they return to their hotel, she demands he sleep on the lounge before asking "what's the story behind your onesie..." which is honestly the meanest thing she's said all night.

Over at Kim and Michael's wedding, grandma is still crying and doing the sign of the cross... but there is no God in this room grandma.

Michael thinks Kim is beautiful and Kim is very happy because we know there's nothing she loves more than attending her own wedding/s.

For a moment she worries that perhaps Michael doesn't like her back, but then he reminds her that she's Kim. F*cking. Kardashian, and she feels comforted.

They seem very much in love but we know that during their honeymoon poor Kim is going to LOSE HER DIAMOND EARRINGS IN BORA BORA and it will be a lot.