The Married At First Sight audition tapes have been released. Nasser's is... interesting.

There are terrible things about life like death and sadness and forgetting to get milk when you do the grocery shopping. But there are also good things like baby animals, head massages and spine-tinglingly trashy reality TV.

Especially when that trashy reality TV is Married At First Sight. 

The team at the TODAY Show knew that the Australian people were struggling this Tuesday morning, and decided to give them what they’ve always (for the last five weeks) wanted: The MAFS audition tapes.

Call it a blessing from above, or an apologetic attempt to boost a breakfast television show’s ratings – but we have the tapes. And they are even more glorious than we thought.

Let’s start with Nasser, shall we?

Nasser began claiming his fake wife’s home was possessed by the devil on the show and we need to debrief. Post continues after audio.

“She has to like the beach and wear a bikini,” Nasser told producers rather sternly in his audition tape. “And painted toenails, did I mention that she has to have painted toenails?”

Ah, yes. Just the important stuff, then?

“I tell you what, if it doesn’t happen I’m dating either you or you,” Nasser said, pointing to two women in the room like the chivalrous demon-enthusiast he is.

In another interview, his fake wife Gab explained: “I know who I am and I know what I’m looking for… and I’m not looking for someone just to see how it goes.”

You can watch a snippet of the interviews below. Post continues.

Meanwhile, Sarah Roza’s tape is enough to make anyone blubber into their carefully elected nightly MAFS snack.

“I’m petrified of people abandoning me.. I’d be so distraught if I wasn’t able to have a kid. At least one. So I’d be upset.”

Okay. Time for a pick-me-up. Enter… Troy.

“My name’s Troy Delmege. I’m 34, my birthday’s coming up soon so time is running out that’s why I’m going to be on the show… ha ha ha ha. Ha. Ha ha.”

His interview was then interrupted by an odd ‘ding’ sound.

Tinder. Troy’s interview was interrupted by a Tinder message. Because he is Troy. And this is just how Troy’s life operates on a daily basis.

I can’t be bothered reciting what Dean said. Take my word for it, it sounded like this, “she needs to respect me because I’M THE MAN etc etc thinly veiled misogyny etc.”

Davina told the producers that “the beginning” is the best part of a relationship.

“I love the thought of being a girlfriend and being someone’s baby girl so it’s all very, like, exciting for me at the beginning.”

Then there’s Davina’s ex-fake-husband Ryan, who told the MAFS team he is “loyal always”… “extremely loyal”.

Wellllllll. That’s uncomfortable.

To see the full range of interviews head to the TODAY Show website.