Cosmetic surgery and bankruptcy: I just applied for MAFS 2021 and... what the hell.

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Look.

Australian TV is about to hit a new low, as we watch a man named David use his (fake) wife Hayley’s toothbrush to clean up poo in a toilet bowl. Then, despite this act being filmed, and with many producers, ‘experts’ and crew knowing what happened, Hayley then uses said pooey toothbrush for a rumoured five days with absolutely no one stepping in to stop her.

The whole debacle is gross, humiliating and unethical, but this should not come as a surprise. Each year, MAFS gets more hectic. And each year, more and more people apply to be on it.

The MAFS experts have a lot to answer for. Post continues below video.

If you’re keen on joining an experiment that 1. doesn’t work and 2. will not stop you from brushing your teeth with a sh*tty toothbrush, you’re in luck.

Applications for the next season of MAFS are open, stating: “Married At First Sight is searching for men and women of all ages and backgrounds who are genuinely committed to finding love. This groundbreaking social experiment uses science and psychology to help Australian singles meet their perfect partner.”

There are many problems with this, namely that no one on the show is there to find love and the so-called ‘science’ is… flawed.

ANYWAY.

I don’t want to brush my teeth with a pooey toothbrush but… curiosity got the better of me. I also fancy myself throwing a fruit bowl or two.

So look. I applied. Yes, I’m ashamed, embarrassed, scared etc.

If you’re also thinking about it (why?) and wonder what it takes to build a profile that will hopefully lead you to teeth whitening endorsement deals and at least one trip to the Logies red carpet, here’s what to expect from the application process.

To complete the rest of the application, you must agree to sell your soul, both your kidneys and guardianship of your firstborn child by answering a series of invasive questions:

First of all, is it weird that in a dating show application you can state you’re currently in a relationship?

In a show where cheating scandals and pouring drinks on other people are commonplace, I guess having another partner is not a deal-breaker.

Here is the rest of my application:

What would your family say are your best and worst character traits? 

Best: Comes with good Netflix recommendations.

Worst: Passive-aggressive as hell.

Would you describe yourself as lonely?

Loneliness is a millennial prerequisite.

How would you describe yourself / your character?

Mainly like a Connie, with a Cyclone Cyrell side.

Tell us about the most romantic gesture you have ever made.

I once let a date pick the Netflix movie.

What are some of the challenges you have faced on your search for true love?

My editors keep having me apply for reality dating shows and my boyfriend thinks it's... weird.

Tell us about the worst or most painful breakup you’ve ever experienced: 

*Rips open old wound*

Cool.

Do you have any children?

Yes, a very chonky cat named Abby.

Would you like children or more children if you already have some?

Absolutely. I'd like at least six cats.

What are you passionate about? Tell us about your hobbies and life interests.

I am extremely passionate about the Instagram account @catsonglasstables, halloumi and wearing leggings as pants.

 

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A post shared by Cats On Glass Tables ???? (@catsonglasstables) on Feb 14, 2020 at 5:58am PST

My main hobbies are watching TV shows I've seen at least twice before, sending funny TikTok videos to the group chat and ranking foods.

Have you ever been unfaithful to a partner? If so, provide details:

Does applying for multiple reality dating shows in the name of content count?

Have you had cosmetic surgery?

I haven't even brushed my hair today.

Do you have any deal-breakers when it comes to a partner?

Yes, someone who would go on this show.

Have you ever been declared bankrupt by a court?

It's only a matter of time.

Do you have any skeletons in your closet? If so, what are they?

Um, how did you find out about Susan?

After divulging every detail about my personal life in order for it to be exploited on national television, the final step was to upload a recent photo of myself, a full body shot and a one minute video of me describing myself and my motivation for applying for the show.

So basically, all I did was pretend I'm open to smelling a dirty t-shirt in the name of 'science' and it was good to go.

Wish me... luck?

If you're keen to meet me at the aisle (I'm flattered), you can apply for MAFS 2021 here.

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