The Twins recap Married at First Sight. When you're a d**k to your wife on national television.

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We open on the couples preparing for the Commitment Ceremony, and yeah, Melissa and Bryce think that if this were the Olympics, they'd be coming home with gold.

How do we put this. 

No.

If this were the Olympics, you would've been disqualified a week ago. 

It turns out Samantha and Cameron haven't seen each other since the time Cameron went to the driving range and said his wife could come, if she wanted, which begs the question: what have either of you been doing for several days.

But are we making an effort to speak to each other? No, absolutely not. 

But Cameron is considering staying in the experiment ever since he had a 15-20 minute conversation with Coco, where they bonded over how much they hate her husband, Sam. Cameron really enjoyed the moment they called Sam a pig, and relatedly, when they laughed about Sam wanting to date Victoria's Secret models. It's how all good love stories begin.

IT'S COMMITMENT CEREMONY TIME EVERYONE SHUT THE F*CK UP.

As the contestants enter the room, John Aiken does a quick head count and notes that no one has killed anyone yet, which is disappointing. 

The experts separate the men and the women, so they can deliberate, and gather some good gossip before meeting back here in an hour. 

Beck tells a few of the women that her walls have gone up "super faster" (??) and Jake has touched on some "trigger points for me" like for example his... teeth. Were a trigger. For Beck. And he still hasn't gotten veneers and it's week three or some shit. 

"If you think Jake triggers you... you should meet Russell."

Jake tells the men that he is struggling with Beck's 'personality' as though that's a single, relatively unimportant feature of another human being. 

"I'm not here to find a friend. A friend who's rude..." he says, and dude a friend who's rude is just a shit stranger you bitch about??

BUT HUSH. 

Now it's time for everyone to sit in a room, in front of three exceedingly ineffective experts, and share what they think about the stranger they've been matched with. 

First up are Belinda and Patrick and Patrick has spent the last two weeks intensely learning Spanish so that he can have a (private) conversation with expert Alessandra. 

"Me llamo Pat hehe."

It fizzles out quickly and John Aiken suddenly claps loudly and announces "CUTE BUT NO ONE CARES THERE ARE MARRIAGES TO RUIN," and well put as always, Sir.

Patrick recalls how when he first saw Belinda he said "HOLEY GUACAMOLE which means holy spicy donuts, which means you ripper," and dude John Aiken just asked you to stop speaking Spanish have some respect. 

Alessandra says "tell us about the affection" while licking her lips which makes everyone feel uneasy.

Belinda changes the subject and says she feels "happy and secure" to which expert Mel responds "love it" but what she really means is "GTFO my couch this makes for terrible television".

Do you think the Daily Mail can write around this interaction? Do you?

Next up are Beth and Russell, and Beth explains they haven't been doing that... well.

What she wants to say is WHAT THE ACTUAL F*CK IS THIS while pointing in Russell's general direction.

She tries to explain that she has been matched with an adult man who doesn't know what salmon is so it would be great to discuss that. First. Up.

But the experts simply nod slowly and demand their decisions. 

Russell writes 'LEAVE' because it's been a wild week in politics and honestly it's not a good time for him to be on a reality show.  

?

??

??? 

Beth, however, writes 'stay' which is weird but okay. 

Given that one of them wants to stay, they're both forced to for another week, which is a terrible model for consent but we would expect nothing less. 

Next up are Jake and Beck, and Jake explains that his wife keeps telling him he's boring and to 'man up'.

"We have different definitions of words," Beck explains matter-of-factly. "When I call him boring, it's around the personality he is when he is around me," and yeah thanks we got that?? 

Sorry, I needed to clarify.

She complains that Jake is always trying to impress her and be 'more than he is' and surely that's better than Russell who didn't even bother to pretend to know what salmon was? 

"I'M EXHAUSTED" John Aiken shouts and Sir you work literally like one hour a week. 

He then yells at Beck for not being warm and empathetic, and not even being thankful that the three experts spent four and half minutes of their time matching her with someone who hasn't called her ugly once yet. 

Beck apologises and agrees to be more grateful during the week ahead. 

The next (interesting) couple are Melissa and Bryce.

Melissa says "he makes me feel really special," and are we talking like fourth place special orrrrrrr.

Bryce agrees and describes their relationship as "easy and comfortable" mostly because Melissa tolerates any level of behaviour which is fun for him. 

For absolutely no reason, Bryce yet again states that if he were out at a bar he wouldn't approach Melissa and YOU DON'T NEED TO SAY THAT THOUGHT OUT LOUD. OVER AND OVER AGAIN. 

He also identifies that she has one little feature missing, namely blue eyes. 

'It's no biggie.'

'Is this what you want Bryce?'

The experts try to explain that Melissa's eyes are green and that's pretty close and something tells us this isn't really... the point. 

Both decide to stay which is objectively the wrong decision but continue. 

Oh.

It's Alana and Jason. And Alana would like the group, as well as her employer, the school principal, to know that Jason makes her orgasm every time. 

Jason nods proudly and have you guys literally done anything else except have sex? Have you gone grocery shopping? Have you cleaned your home? Have you introduced yourselves to each other... formally? 

But there's no time for that because now it's Cameron and Samantha's turn on the couch and you both needed to leave last week, at the absolute latest.

They explain that everything was fine until John Aiken personally delivered them an Honesty Box on their honeymoon, forcing Cameron to admit that while yes they'd had sex, no he didn't actually like Samantha. Particularly.

Expert Alessandra weirdly defends Cameron's honesty, saying they should've talked about what having sex would mean to each of them prior to doing it, and lady, that sounds like hell. 

Can you acknowledge? How Cam might not like you? And how that must make him feel?

While Samantha decides to leave, to maintain her dignity, self respect etc, Cameron says he wants to stay, mostly so he can pursue a relationship with another woman.

Cool.

The last couple are Sam and Coco and everyone shhh the experts have deep emotional wounds to pierce open and explode all over the upholstery.

Sam starts to explain that "Coco's feeling rejected," to which she clarifies that the more correct terms are "continuously disrespected and torn down".

She says that every day she's been told she's uncool, not funny, that her one liners are corny, that she's too loud and that her body isn't attractive to Sam. Do the experts, who are (allegedly) trained psychologists, jump in to have a serious talk about how this relationship is clearly toxic, and probably needs to end to maintain Coco's self esteem and/or mental health? 

God no. 

Instead, they watch as Sam responds: "WOW. Every day. WOW. Because you say the most ridiculous, corny one liners, that would make anyone cringe, I’m putting YOU down?"

... Yes.

"This is pretty hard to hear," Sam says. "It’s a load of rubbish."

'I have examples. If you want them.'

Sir you literally just referenced her corny one liners how can you possibly say you haven't been putting her down. 

Suddenly, Bryce starts yelling and telling Sam he "sounds like a d*ckhead," and when the guy whose wife is seriously considering an eye transplant calls you out, you know you're f*cked.

But John Aiken has been working for close to an hour now and he doesn't have time for this.

'I need a holiday.'

"Alright, we’ve unpacked this tonight, what we have to do now is find out whether you want to stay or leave," he says and when did you unpack it because Coco is broken.

While Coco chooses to leave, Sam - who has somehow missed all the signs that this relationship is doomed, including the fact that his wife is living in another apartment - chooses to stay. 

He gets frustrated because he didn't know "it was that bad," and had he known, he would've chosen to leave. 

Coco starts to cry, because she now has to remain in a relationship against her will for at least one more week, and that annoys Sam, so he walks out. 

He tells the cameras he's "always been kind and nice to Coco," such as when he ranked her fourth, and told her how hot Alana was, and how she was cringe and corny. Oh, and also when he walked out just then when she was crying.

Eventually he comes back, and says he wishes Coco had expressed more to him how she was feeling (she did), because then he wouldn't have written stay.

Ultimately, we now have two people remaining together, both against their will. 

"All we're asking is to start with being more friendly," John says and that is potentially the least helpful advice we've ever heard. 

UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.

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In case you missed our previous recaps...

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 1: You can't just comment on someone's... teeth.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 2: Coco's husband would like to be brutally honest.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 3: Precisely no girl wants to be told she's 'not ugly'.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 4: A bride just realised she had a one night stand.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 5: When you see your match and can't stop crying.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 6: John Aiken just changed the rules.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 7: How was any of that... allowed.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 8: The beginning of a dirty cheatin' scandal.

Feature Image: Nine.