The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 3: A bride sabotages her own wedding and GURL.

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No.

Expert Mel is asking us (but mostly her friends Trish and John) if we’re “READY FOR MORE MATCHMAKING” and not really but also yes very much.

First we meet electrician Mike who would like us to know that he's left a "trail of hearts in [his] wake," which sounds like a lie to make him sound less desperate but okay.

"I cannot break another heart..." he says and... dude. Let's be real - all of us here are either getting fake married on television or watching people get fake married on television and there is no room for... pride.

We left that at the door and we shan't be retrieving it for the next three months.

For reasons that include nothing, John Aiken decides to match Mike with Heidi.

Free spirited Heidi and Adventurous Mike

Pros:

Cons:

It's a waste of everyone's time but mostly ours.

We're not certain either are all that keen to get married but it's fine we have nowhere else to be.

PAUSE.

We have a feisty hairdresser who we swear has yelled at us before for having too many split ends, using cheap shampoo and killing our hair by straightening it too much AND IT'S ALREADY DEAD, NING. HAIR IS ALREADY DEAD.

Ning's main hobby appears to be bitching about people's hair and, yes, we respect that. She also has three kids who seem relatively unfazed by the fact mummy is getting fake married for reasons she can't quite articulate right now.

For more Married At First Sight check out our Recap podcast where Clare and Jessie Stephens get into the nitty-gritty of Ning's Nasty surprise....

Ning is paired with Mark who has never said 'I love you' to anyone before and casually mentions, "I have one plastic cup in my house..."

Oh.

That's the single saddest thing we've ever heard and we were vastly unprepared.

What about guests, Mark?  What happens if it tears in the dishwasher? What then? What vessel shall you use to sip your beverages? A spoon?

Single Mum Ning and Sad Mark

Pros:

Maybe Ning could donate him some more plastic cups or even a mug idk.

Both are of same/similar species.

Cons:

Mark only owns one plastic cup so how is he going to offer Ning a cool drink let alone her children.

Ning is definitely going to make rude comments about Mark's hair (because that's her favourite hobby) but also the hair of his most beloved relatives. But no, Ning. Let them have their hair in peace.

It's the day of Heidi and Mike's beach wedding, and a shot of a whale swimming dangerously close to the shore confirms that a Channel Nine producer has yet again been exploited by being forced to dress in a whale suit for the occasion.

How... degrading.

Speaking of degrading, Heidi urinates in a cup because she can't get her dress off and this is the most Married at First Sight moment we've ever seen on Married at First Sight. 

She arrives at the ceremony with some urine running down her left thigh, and then has to hobble through the sand in high heels alone. 

But once she meets Mike, they like each other very much and the boy in the whale suit is told he can swim to shore now and put on his best man costume.

During their reception, Mike decides it's time to reveal to Heidi how good looking and toned he is and Heidi keeps laughing as though Mike is joking. 

But Mike is not joking.

Mike is very serious.

But Heidi has no time to notice this because she needs to pee again and the cameraman knows this is his moment.

But over at Ning and Mark's wedding, Ning has gone full hairdresser, and Ning, pls, you never go full hairdresser at your wedding.

She makes a joke about how Mark has hair, but the joke a) doesn't make sense b) isn't funny and c) somehow sounds rude, so everyone... dies.

"I'M JUST HERE FOR THE FOOD AND THE DRINKS," she yells at Mark at the altar and sweetie we need to keep that to ourselves until at least the honeymoon.

When Ning complains that she's cold, Mark tries to rub her arms and she loudly announces he's making it "worse," before muttering that he'll do anything to touch her, and who let Ning be on reality television. This was never going to end well. 

Mark calmly tells the camera that "Ning's not very good at comedy... her delivery's not great," and these are the words of a man who has no joy inside but has also just realised that getting fake married on television was a terrible idea.

At the reception, while everyone's talking about family, Mark starts to sing 'We Are Family' under his breath and yeah, Ning gets mad about it.

"DON'T SING," she yells, and while we agree, again, Ning, pls. We need to let the strange man sing at his own wedding if he wants to.

Mark says this is "not how I would like to spend my wedding," and IT'S SO SAD THE MAN ONLY HAS ONE PLASTIC CUP FFS.

Eventually, Ning's bridesmaids stage an intervention because they physically cannot witness her abusing this poor man any longer. They suggest that maybe she stop bullying him... publicly... on the television, and instead hates him in a more silent, personal way.

She returns and manages to have a conversation with Mark that doesn't directly insult him/his appearance, and we're actually super proud because that wasn't easy for Ning.

Eventually they go back to their hotel room, and Mark tells Ning that she looks even more beautiful without make up to which she angrily replies, "HOW!"

Someone is going to be dead at the end of this fake marriage and it's not going to be Ning.