The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 5: One man has concerns about his wife's weight and... no.

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We open on Virgin Matt, who is a terrifying indication of how productive we’d all be if we didn’t waste our time on such frivolous things as sexual intercourse and/or interpersonal relationships.

He has about eight too many hobbies, including singing lessons, which focus on such hottest 100 hits as ‘A Whole New World’ from Disney film, Aladdin.

As John Aiken tries to get a better understanding of Virgin Matt in order to match him in a way that will destroy his life slowly and painfully, he asks him if he’s scared given “you’re a virgin and haven’t had sex before.”

Holy sh*t. Imagine being a virgin who hasn’t had sex before. 

Virgin Matt asks his family if he could please have a camera crew over for dinner tonight and - yes - they assume it has something to do with his low key ambitions to be on The Voice Australia.

But instead he tells them he is getting fake married to a stranger on the television for no reason but they're all like, "Virgin Matt, pls, that show is the laughing stock of our whole entire staff room on most weekdays."

Virgin Matt says he understands their concerns, and while this could blow up in his face, there's an EQUAL POSSIBILITY that he'll meet the love of his life.

SIR.

That is a fundamentally false statement and we demand you learn about a concept called probability.

John Aiken decides to match Virgin Matt with Lauren, and... pause.

We like this, which is confusing AND suspicious.

'Big Dork' Lauren with Virgin Matt

Pros:

Lauren is a real life human woman

We're fckn feeling it

Cons:

John Aiken is a shit stirrer

Matt might get eaten by other men on show. Like literally eaten.

Listen to our Married at First Sight podcast, The Recap, where we talk about the funniest show on television. Post continues below. 

Next we meet Sam, a 26-year-old who is finding it very difficult being so good looking that everyone (including John Aiken) wants to have sex with him.

"Why aren't the girls banging down your door?" John Aiken says, lifting his skirt up a little, and we're personally offended on behalf of Virgin Matt who was not once asked that question.

Builder Sam is matched with Elizabeth who loves "full glam" and yelling in the faces of her besties.

It has never been more immediately obvious to us that something will not work, and John Aiken knows it.

Full Glam Elizabeth and Builder Sam

Pros:

N/A

Cons:

Everything

SHHH PLS, it's time for Virgin Matt's wedding and, yes, there's wizard music.

We think it's meant to imply that he's a virgin but... we know.

Matt is anxious about having to tell his new bride that he's never had sex before, and look. We don't know who told Matt he had to disclose his virginal status immediately (it was definitely John Aiken), but he needs to not because it's a) unnecessary, and b) ... presumptuous.

The moment he lays his eyes on his fake wife Lauren, he likes her very much and decides that she would be a nice one to do the sex with. Lauren also thinks Virgin Matt has a kind face, and doesn't even mind when he reads his vows from a set of over-sized palm cards like a private school boy at public speaking.

He concludes his vows with, "I can't wait to share this whole new world with you," and FYI, that's when you know you've been doing far too many singing lessons.

Lauren and Matt love each other unconditionally and nothing could ruin...

Oh.

Matt has a wedding day surprise and he's obviously singing in front of everyone, and yes he needs to warm up his vocal cords with his singing teacher who is in attendance.

Sweetie, why are you performing? TODAY WAS ENOUGH. IT WAS A LOT FOR YOU.

He forgets the words (Matt, pls), while his singing teacher plays the keyboard supportively in the background, but ultimately isn't as appalling as most people who choose to sing at their own wedding.

Towards the end of the night, Virgin Matt decides it's time to tell Lauren about how his penis has never met a vagina in person, so if he tries to insert his willy into her ear at first that's why.

Her initial reaction is to audibly say, "sh*t," and honestly Lauren, you get used to Virgin Matt being a virgin pretty quickly.

She then realises that his chances of having chlamydia are lower than average, which she likes, so thanks him for sharing his secret about his penis, and suggests she wouldn't mind being the one to do the sex with him.

It's all very romantic.

Speaking of romantic, Sam's biggest fear is that he'll turn around at his wedding and find his bride is "bigger than me".

Oh. 

Sam thinks he scares women off because he's too good looking but maybe... that's not the... reason.

When he first sees Elizabeth he tells the camera she's "not what I expected" before remarking "I've never dated girls as big as her in the past."

Oh, sweetie no. 

You been datin' children?

But Sam, who is very solutions focused, helpfully says, "she's got a beautiful face... Maybe I'll get her running in the mornings!"

We think... no.

Elizabeth, on the other hand, thinks she's won the jackpot mostly because of Sam's face but also his body.

She wants to have sex immediately, but also keeps trying to convince Sam of how "CRAZZZZZY" she is which seems counterproductive but okay.

Sam hopes Elizabeth doesn't want to have sex tonight even though we all know she does indicated mostly by the fact she changes into red lingerie as soon as they enter their hotel and then starts to take his clothes off as the camera gets a close up.

Cool.

Over in Lauren and Virgin Matt's hotel room, Matt is looking particularly virginal on the bed, wearing a grey singlet that appears ironed.

We cannot with him.

Until tomorrow night...

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Catch up on all our recaps, right here:

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 1: A best man's speech just ruined an entire wedding.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 2: We need to talk about Ivan.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 3: A bride sabotages her own wedding and GURL.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 4: The man who'd rather his woman not speak. 

And for more Married at First Sight 2019 recaps and gossip, visit our MAFS hub page. We've got you covered.