'When I uncovered my husband's secret addiction, he suggested something most partners wouldn’t.’

Jess* and Frank's* relationship was based on trust.

"We were that couple who never had trust issues around looking at other people, or needing to lie," Jess told Mamamia.

That was until the start of 2021, when Frank's sister tragically died in a car accident.

The grieving brother turned to alcohol to cope.

"Turning to the bottle, it made sense, no one batted an eyelid. He did that for probably a solid four months. He didn't work, he just drank every day to numb his pain," she said.

After four months, the couple were struggling financially, and Jess had fallen pregnant, meaning Frank had to return to work.

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"He would come home and have a drink. I was pregnant, so I wasn't drinking. And there would be times where it would be eight o'clock at night, and he would be going to bed, and he would start mumbling and speaking gibberish in his sleep. I'd ask him, 'Have you been drinking?' He said no, but he was having drinks that I couldn't see."

This carried on for the rest of the year, until the couple moved house. Then, the truth came out.

"He had this huge anxiety attack. He came home and he told me, 'I've been lying to you. I've been sculling two bottles of red wine on my way home from work, just to numb the anxiety and pain'."

Suddenly, everything made sense. From then, Frank promised he would stop. 

Then their baby arrived.

"He was a great dad. He prioritised being a dad, and was always on point with that. But he kept drinking behind my back in secrecy. I'd ask him. I'd say, 'You seem different'. 

"I'd be like, 'Look me in the eye'. Then he'd be irrational. He would be like a little kid having a tantrum. He'd get defensive; he'd shut me down. And then the next day he would come clean and tell me, because he'd wake up not drunk."

'Often, there's a cycle of broken trust.'

According to Dr Ashleigh Moreland, NeuroBehavioural Specialist and Founder of Re-MIND Institute, "one of the hardest parts for families is the confusion — watching someone they love act in ways that feel out of character, destructive, or distant".

"Often, there's a cycle of broken trust, promises made and broken, emotional whiplash, and deep hurt that's hard to make sense of," she told Mamamia.

"There's grief too. Grief for who that person used to be, or who you hoped they'd become. And underneath it all, a constant tension between love for the person beneath the addiction and fear for the person bound by it."

Jess would "go looking" for evidence that Frank had been drinking.

"At first he didn't get very good at hiding, we just moved into a new house, and I'd find him in the garage, I'd follow the empty bottles. They'd be little things of vodka or whisky."

With a new baby in the picture, the parents were "already disconnected" as their focus turned to their newborn.

"In that time, our trust broke down. I didn't know what 'Frank' I was getting. It's like he wanted to stop, but he didn't."

Jess grew "resentful".

"Frank worked for himself. He'd say 'I've finished my job, I'll be home by four' which, technically, he could have been home by two, but he went to the pub."

He would also stay home on Mondays and Tuesdays, telling Jess that his jobs had been cancelled.

"I was like, 'No, you're just hungover'. He'd just be lazy. He'd do the bare minimum. He would help out with the parenting and cooking. And he's the best father, he put parenting first. He could still function, but he needed the alcohol to calm this pain in his body."

According to Dr Moreland, addiction can create a dynamic where survival and self-preservation becomes the focus in relationships instead of connection.

"Partners or children might walk on eggshells, never knowing which version of the person they'll get that day, which can result in hypervigilance and chronic trauma responses ... Over time, resentment, burnout, and emotional shutdown become common," she said.

Then came the ultimatum.

Things came to a head in mid 2023. 

Jess had tried reaching out to her husband's friends. But when they checked in with Frank, he would say the same thing, "It's all good man, I'm looking after myself".

Then Jess gave him an ultimatum.

"I hit the point of threatening, 'you're going to lose me'. I was like 'you're going to lose me too'. Because he lost his sister. I didn't want to have to say that, because it's horrible. But it got to that point, because I just said he wasn't my husband anymore. He didn't want to talk to anyone. He'd stop seeing his friends."

Frank took Jess's words seriously. And, together, the couple did Dry July, where they abstained from alcohol for a month.

"He actually was getting better," she said.

The next month, they went overseas.

"We stayed somewhere all-inclusive. We drank every day. We got home and he's like, 'Okay, well, I'm not drinking'. Then he had these major withdrawal symptoms."

They ended up in hospital, where medical staff suggested Frank spend seven days at a rehab facility.

"That was a turning point. He's like, 'I meditated, I read my book, I didn't watch the TV. I went to all the classes they put on'. And he's like, 'I don't belong here. I don't want to sound rude, but I am not this bad. I never want to be this bad'."

That was almost two years ago and, true to his word, Frank has limited his consumption, and hasn't lied about his drinking habits.

But trust didn't return instantly.

"I've had moments where I'm like, 'You've been drinking', but it's my trauma now. He hasn't stopped drinking, but he'll come home and if he's gonna have a beer he tells me," Jess said.

While Frank was "healing" and "letting go of his sister", Jess's "emotions were everywhere".

"He couldn't understand now that I was majorly struggling, and I still didn't trust him. Because I didn't lose my sister, he didn't think it was as bad. It wasn't like he was trying to compare, but he was so in this black hole that he couldn't consider anything."

Things reached a point where Frank suggested Jess consider having a hall pass.

"I didn't feel as connected and attracted to him, because I felt like he still wasn't looking after himself," said Jess. "I wanted to rebuild that trust, and it was easy to go out and look elsewhere, because I felt like I wasn't getting that from him."

But Jess never went through with it. Instead, she found breathwork to help her process what she was feeling.

"I had this moment where I was like, 'No, I want Frank. I love Frank. He's my person'. I was just looking elsewhere because the trust got broken, and he became someone I didn't marry."

Now, Jess and Frank's relationship has never been stronger.

"We're really good now. I actually want to have sex with my husband. I am attracted to him, even though he looks different to when I married him. We're really connected. We can actually have rational conversations."

*Names have been changed for privacy reasons.

Family Drug Support Australia works to assist families to deal with alcohol and other drugs issues in a way that strengthens relationships and achieves positive outcomes".

"We work with the family and, ultimately, it is about positive communication. We also refer them to appropriate services like Smart Recovery and the National Alcohol and Other Drug hotline. It's a long journey for a lot of families," said Sandra Trimingham, Senior Manager and Co-founder.

If you or anyone you know needs to speak with an expert, please contact Lifeline (13 11 14) or download Sobriety App – I am Sober, an addiction buddy useful for quitting any activity or substance.

Feature Image: Getty (This is a stock image and does not depict the people featured in this story).