'At first, Tom passed every new boyfriend test. Then the red flags started.'

This story mentions domestic abuse.

Andrea* felt that she'd finally found happiness. After surviving a decade-long relationship marred by domestic violence, she met a man who seemed to offer everything she was missing.

But what began as a promising love story turned into a harrowing journey of manipulation, betrayal, and emotional abuse.

Andrea spent 10 years with a man — the father of her children — who treated her appallingly. She eventually broke free from him and vowed to spend a long time single before dating again.

"I have two daughters, and I was in a long relationship with a man who was domestically violent. There was some physical abuse, but it was mostly emotional abuse and coercive control. That was a very difficult relationship to leave, because I ended up needing to use the police and get an intervention order," Andrea says.

"He breached the intervention order multiple times and for many years I was fearful for my life. At the time, my girls were only five and eight, so leaving wasn't easy. Then, when I left him, it took quite a while for me to step into the dating world again and feel safe. I needed to feel that I was safe from being stalked or constantly monitored."

Watch: The signs you are dating a narcissist. Post continues after video.

For a couple of years, 30-year-old Andrea focused on raising her children and rebuilding her life. But eventually, she felt ready to try dating again.

When Andrea met 27-year-old Tom* on Bumble, she was cautiously optimistic. He seemed positively charming, they had common interests, and he presented himself as a nice, down-to-earth person.

"I'd been on a number of different dates that hadn't worked out, so when we first matched on Bumble, I was at the stage where I thought, 'I'm sick of these talking stages. Let's just initiate a date, meet, and see if we like each other.'"

After being unavailable for awhile due to his shift work schedule, Tom managed to impress Andrea when they eventually caught up; even though their first meeting wasn't quite a 'date' in the traditional sense.

"I was home sick from work, and I joked about needing a ride to the doctor. He actually agreed to take me. I thought that was very sweet of him; the fact that he was happy to help me when I wasn't feeling well. That felt like a little test, and he passed. From then on, we pretty much saw each other every day."

Andrea was immediately struck by how attentive and kind Tom seemed. He also knew all the right things to say, which was like music to Andrea's ears.

"Coming from a relationship where someone has absolutely no interest in you, he came across as so caring and understanding, genuinely wanting to get to know me. He also got along with my kids, who really liked him, too. I thought, 'Wow, I've found this lovely person.'

"But things moved very quickly. Within three months, he moved in with me while he was building his house. The kids were happy having him around and everything seemed fine — to a point. But I did have this underlying gut feeling that something wasn't right."

"My friends reassured me that I was just being overly cautious. They'd say, 'It's because you've had a bad experience. It's normal to feel nervous.' I convinced myself it was fine. He was doing all the right things, saying all the right things. I just kept telling myself it was okay."

Even in those early days, there were subtle signs of trouble. And it didn't take long for the first major red flag to appear.

"The first red flag was when he was living with me and he said, 'Don't ever touch my phone. My phone is really private. I've got a lot of old photos on there of me and my ex. I just don't want you to see them.' And I thought, 'That's a bit odd.' But I respected his privacy because I'd never been the type to go through someone's phone."

However, the red flags escalated when Tom suggested he and Andrea try swinging, something Andrea had never been interested in. But she wanted to at least look into it, just to keep Tom happy.

"We set up an account and had a look around together, but I ended up telling him, 'I actually don't feel comfortable doing that. I don't want to do anything that would jeopardise our relationship because I really love you.' He said, 'Yes, I understand. We won't do that.' So I thought that was the end of the story when it came to swinging."

But his secrecy and lack of boundaries continued to strain their relationship.

"One day, I said, 'If there's nothing to hide on your phone, show me your messages.' And there it was; he'd sent a message to his ex-girlfriend the night of the Christmas staff party. I said, 'What are you doing messaging your ex on a drunken work night out when you're in the same town as her, and I'm in a different town?' He tried to say it was a joke because he knew she was seeing someone else. That's probably when I started to become more aware."

As their relationship progressed, Andrea discovered more troubling patterns.

"His ex moved away from the town she was living in, and he wanted to go to her going-away party. He told me he didn't want me to come, which was another red flag. He even said, "My ex might not even be there." I said, 'Why would she not go to her own party?' It all became very weird. He made excuses but didn't go in the end. Then he started talking about her a lot more, even putting songs on his playlist about missing an ex."

Listen to The Quicky where we talk more about coercive control and the dangers behind it. Post continues after audio.

When Andrea fell pregnant, she felt a deep sense of fear about the timing. She also had a gut feeling she shouldn't be having a baby with Tom.

"He was very supportive of having a termination, saying that he loved me and he didn't want me to go through with it if I wasn't ready. But at the time I was going through this, I found out he was messaging his ex while he was out drinking. He started refusing to help with my house or my kids, saying it was my problem," Andrea says.

One discovery left her reeling. "I got an email saying that money had been taken out of the account for a swingers' website. I logged in and saw that for the last month, he'd been on there every single day looking at profiles. When I confronted him, he blamed me [for] having an abortion for why he did it. It was just one excuse after another."

Despite all the red flags, the couple got engaged. But shortly after, Tom went on a work trip to Thailand and wouldn't let Andrea know when he was returning — she now believes he had a Thai girlfriend.

Even during moments of personal grief, Andrea was left alone. "He became incredibly cruel. When my nan died, Tom was away and he didn't want to come back to support me. He was too busy. Instead, he went to a bucks' night. At this time, he'd moved into the house he'd been building. At one point, while I was cleaning up his house, I found a strand of hair in the bed that wasn't mine. He made excuses, saying it probably came from the cleaner or his clothes."

"But I had a strong feeling that hair — which was not my hair colour — was not left by the cleaner at all."

Andrea describes how this pattern of betrayal wore her down. "It was like every time I thought we'd gotten past something, he'd do something else. But somehow, he'd always make me feel like it was my fault or like I was overreacting. I kept second-guessing myself."

Tom was going on more work trips and, as Andrea questioned him, he became increasingly manipulative.

"He wouldn't tell me when he was coming back from his trips, wouldn't answer calls or messages. Then one day, he pretended he was going on another trip and ignored my calls for hours. Later, he said, 'It was just a joke.' It seemed like he enjoyed seeing me upset."

"It was so emotionally draining for me. There were times when I felt like I couldn't function. I'd be sitting in my room crying, not able to parent, wondering what I did wrong. He knew exactly how to hurt me. At this stage, I left him as I just couldn't handle the emotional roller coaster any longer."

The final blow came when he dangled the idea of reconciliation under cruel conditions. "He said he'd consider getting back together if I agreed to a threesome. That shattered my soul. He knew exactly how to hurt me."

Andrea then suffered through an exhausting 18-month cycle of heartache which involved more trips to Thailand and the girlfriend he tried to hide from her. He kept promising to reconcile only to ghost Andrea repeatedly.

"I was living in this awful whirlwind of manipulation and emotional abuse. But, despite the pain, I clung to the love I thought we had."

Eventually, Andrea knew she had to walk away for good.

"It literally destroyed me. I still suffer now. I feel like he tormented me, and it was like a game to him. It felt like a trauma bond — really good, then really bad, and then good again. You get stuck in this cycle of wondering what's going to happen next."

Andrea has some advice for other women who might feel they're in a similar situation.

"If it feels like it's going too fast or if it feels like it's too good to be true, that it probably is. That's the love bombing."

"Talk to your friends, talk to your family, talk to a professional. When you're in these moments and you're alone with your thoughts, you can almost convince yourself that it's your fault or that you're doing something wrong. But when you actually start to talk to people about these issues, and they hear your stories, you realise how bad it really is and how poorly you are being treated."

*Names have been changed due to privacy.

The author of this story is known to Mamamia but remained anonymous for privacy purposes.

If this has raised any issues for you, or if you just feel like you need to speak to someone, please call 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732) – the national sexual assault, domestic and family violence counselling service.

Mamamia is a charity partner of RizeUp Australia, a national organisation that helps women, children and families move on after the devastation of domestic and family violence. Their mission is to deliver life-changing and practical support to these families when they need it most. If you would like to support their mission you can donate here.

Feature image: Getty.