The families of addicts live in desperate, anxious fear that this might happen.

By HAYLEY PEARSON

Today my brother would have turned 36.

But instead of having a family dinner and celebrating over birthday cake, I am going with my parents to Encounter Bay to his special part of the beach, where his ashes lie.

Sixteen months on and I still can’t believe I’ve lost my big brother. Every couple of days, it hits me like a bus and I am overwhelmed with loss and a terrible gut-wrenching sadness.

Ryan was an alcoholic and during the last few years of his life I tried absolutely everything to ‘change him’, to stop him from drinking and I could never understand how he could be so selfish and why he always lied to us.

Why couldn’t he just stop drinking? It seems so simple to the rest of us.

But being the sibling of an addict, I have learned so much about addiction and now have compassion and an understanding of the disease and how it can take over your life. The most important fact is that addiction is a disease; a terrible illness.

You see, addicts see their addiction as their God. To my beautiful brother, Vodka ruled his life, day after day. Like most addicts, he would do anything for just one sip, just one fix. That’s why he lied to us and constantly hurt his family so much. It didn’t mean he loved us less – he just simply couldn’t stop.

Addicts are the only ones who can help themselves. They have to make the decision to stop and actually want to turn their life around. Unfortunately they will always be an addict; even if they get on the wagon, they can fall off again just as easily.

For siblings and other family members of addicts, it’s a long, frustrating roller-coaster ride and one that unfortunately never ends. Once you’re on, you will forever worry about your loved one, even if they decide to help themselves. There will always be the fear that the addictive substance will take over their lives again. All you can do is be there for them, love them, try to show them how great life can be without their addiction and hope that they will decide to help themselves.

Unfortunately in Adelaide there is no place where we can just ‘lock them up’ with 24 hour supervision and rehabilitation.

Yes, there is the Woolshed, there’s detox clinics but the addict can walk out just as easily as he walked in. I remember my brother checked himself into a detox clinic on Osmond Terrace.

After two days of sobering up, he checked himself out and walked home barefoot, with an untreated broken ankle, stopping off at the closest bottle shop to get his fix.

And then the cycle begins again. He would go to detox clinics when his disability pension had run out and he had no money to buy alcohol. The day he got paid was the worst.

He would spend every cent stocking up for the next two weeks until he was paid again. In between, there were runs to Cash Converters where he would sell his most valuable possessions at a ridiculous price, just to get enough money to buy another bottle.

Knowing that your sibling is going to die if they keep up their addiction is the most revolting, helpless feeling in the world. Every time the phone would ring, I would think, “Oh God, I’ve lost him.’ I thought that was the worst feeling in the world, living with the constant fear of losing my brother.

I thought that, until I lost him. Then I knew that was the worst feeling in the world.

After the initial shock had worn off and now 16 months on, I live every day with a sick feeling in my stomach and an ache in my heart, knowing that I will never ever see him or hug him again. That’s the worst feeling in the world. I just have to learn to live with it.

I know we did everything we possibly could to help him and I want other siblings to know that you are also doing your best. It’s a bloody hard rollercoaster to be on, but stick with it. Don’t hate them for it. Call them every day.  Tell them you love them. That’s all you can do. Hopefully they will decide to help themselves.

I will light a candle today, not just for my beautiful Ryan on his 36th birthday, but for all the other people who have lost a sibling through an addiction. You deserve some cake too.

Hayley Pearson is a self confessed good girl gone mad. You can catch Hayley as co host on Adelaide’s SAFM breakfast show with Michael and Burgo weekdays from 6am-9am. You can also catch her every Friday night on The Project letting you know the latest happenings around Adelaide on the Whip Around. Find her on Twitter here.