Life isn't meant to be 'sorted'.

This article originally appeared on UnBluffed, a newsletter by Isabel Sandercock-Brown. It has been republished here with permission.

There's a truth universally acknowledged that the minute you think you've got anything 'figured out', if you even dare think 'wow, I am nailing this!' — BOOM. Something—or someone—will blow up. Or vomit.

It's a common occurrence in motherhood. Because it does get easier. Your neural pathways for keeping a tiny human alive are strengthened, and you find yourself having more good days than bad. But then you start to consider yourself Martha Stewart. Or Chilli Heeler. You start to believe you've got it 'sorted'—but that's 'Sorted Smugness' and the universe does not care for it. The cosmic joke is to ensure we remember we're never really in control. That's just an illusion.

Watch: Three men experience women's pain. Post continues below.

And it's not just parenthood that's vulnerable to Sorted Smugness. Nothing stays 'sorted' for long—a good exercise routine is disrupted by the flu, eating well is cancelled out by a Fiji vacay, or a writing routine is blown to smithereens by the new season of Slow Horses.

'Sorted Smugness' is a trap. It sets you up for immediate failure because it assumes life can be sorted. And it can't. Life isn't an obstacle course we can learn and conquer. Life is like the ocean; constant waves, always moving, never still.

Sure, sometimes the water's calm—so calm it lulls us into a false sense of smug control. But it's calm because the conditions are good, not because of anything we've done. We're still at the ocean's mercy. When the tide turns or the current shifts, the water gets choppy. A rip can drag us off course, or a storm can turn the sea cruel, and no amount of sortedness can save us then. All we can do is find our own rhythm and keep kicking*.

Finding a good rhythm can keep us moving, no matter the weather. Even if all we're doing is treading water. Even when the waves crash over our heads, a good rhythm can keep us steady.

For much of my adult life, I've been obsessed with forming habits that have only ever been temporary. Habits are rigid, easily disrupted. Rhythm, though, is sustainable. It's adaptable and fluid, allowing for fluctuations and interruptions. Habits focus on outcomes, falling in and out with life seasons. Rhythm can be lifelong; it embraces change rather than resisting it.

When we have a good day, we need to think 'What a great day!' Not slip into Sorted Smugness, assuming we've cracked the code and now all we need to do is replicate the exact same day. Replicating 'good days' strips all the joy from them. It focuses on 'sorting the future' rather than appreciating a good day for it was—a day of rhythm in flow.

Sorting your life, getting it all done, doesn't make life easier—because nothing ever stays sorted for long. The lawn needs to be mowed again. Inboxes never stay at zero. Toilet paper always runs out (unless you're one of those weirdos who stockpiled during COVID). And I will never, ever have parenthood 'sorted'—no parent ever does. Not even the aspirational Heelers. Because each stage and age brings a whole new set of challenges. I'm only at Stage Two-Point-Five—there's a lifetime to go.

But finding our own steady rhythm does make life easier. A sustainable pace that's true to ourselves helps us manage both calm and turbulent seas. Rhythm is flexible, focused on persistence, not perfection. It's our natural pattern of living, one that allows us to float our way through the flows of life, and kick our way through the ebbs.

My ideal rhythm lets me embrace my toddler's good days and Big Feelings days. It keeps me nourishing and moving my body daily, but not being caught up in when or what that looks like. It's slow, filled with creating, making, imagination, fun, and lots of (literal) swimming. It allows for star-gazing, Nothing Days, and moments of dreamy, unproductive floating.

Everything is temporary. Life's waves will keep rolling in, whether you're kicking or not. Storms will come, and the water will get choppy. When that happens, sometimes all we can do is tread water—and that's okay. We just need to keep kicking. Or, if we're super lucky, we might even find a surfboard.

Find your rhythm—the one that lets you enjoy riding life's never-ending waves.

*References:

Dory. Last name unknown. (2003). Finding Nemo [Film]. Pixar Animation Studios; Walt Disney Pictures.

You can sign up to Isabel's substack, UnBluffered, here.

Feature image: