Let's talk about 'Being Lara Bingle'

by EM RUSCIANO

Hello friends. Lara Bingle huh?

Yep, here I am talking about Tuesday night’s episode.

It was the first time I had watched this much-hyped production. The opening scene sees Lara in a flap about getting to fashion week.

It seems the week before there was a slight issue with her driver’s license… That issue being, it was suspended and she apparently forgot that she wasn’t supposed to drive. Oops!

This week, we find Lara has many fashion shows to attend and no way of getting there. Her charming brother Josh was approached but obviously couldn’t fit it into his schedule of entertaining hot bitches, so Lara was forced to ask a friend of hers to do it for $50 a day.

After Lara secured a driver, Fashion Week was attended in a plethora of fabulous outfits. At one point, Lara attacks her best friend forever slash make-up artist slash hairdresser slash stylist slash fabulous gay (where can I sign up for one of those? I mean it, I’d trade a whole nipple for one) because she felt that she looked “disgusting”.

Max (the aforementioned BFF/MA/HD/S/FG) INSISTED that she had actually asked for the bronze eyeshadow and the “clean look” she was sporting.

I must admit I found myself shouting at the TV: “Look on the inside Lara, check your soul! Max can’t stick his brushes in there. Are you truly happy?” Probably way deeper than I am supposed to be going here.

The argument continued until Lara pulled her phone out and took a quick selfie… (This is the action in which you hold your phone out at arm’s length and take your own photo.)

“Oh,” she said… “Oh, I look quite good don’t I?” Cue poor Max (BFF/MA/HD/S/FG) slumping in the back seat with his immaculately manicured nails combing through his impeccably styled “just got out of bed” quiff.

Then JUST when I thought things had settled down for my lovely Max, Lara arrives at yet another show and finds her dress DOESN’T FIT. I can sense Max’s spotless pores teaming with sweat.

Lara does what we all would like to do in this situation – she rings the ACTUAL DESIGNER of the dress and demands to know why she has been given the wrong one. “There is only one sample dress, Lara,” Marc of Camilla and Marc replies. Max visibly relaxes, it’s not his fault! HUZZAH!

At this point I should probably mention Lara’s best friend slash manager Hermione (BFF/M), who has been shadowing Lara through all the trials and tribulations above. The thing is, it seems Hermione (BFF/M) dislikes Lara. As in, dislikes her with the wrath of a thousand suns burning in the depths of hell.

It looks as though Lara surrounds herself with people who perpetually roll their eyes at her and try to “keep her grounded”. Friends, there is a fine line between grounding someone and grounding them into THE GROUND. BOOM! I am on another emotional LEVEL today!

Next up, Lara went to visit Kyle and Jackie O. Kyle pointed out Lara’s huge pimple and Jackie earnestly asked Lara about the various scandals surrounding her life. Lara gets through it and reveals she is seeing a mystery man named “Gareth”.

Next stop, SHAZZA’S HOUSE! Lara goes to visit her Mum in Cronulla.

SPONTANEOUS WATER THEMED PHOTO SHOOT ALERT!! Lara decided to chillax for the day by going out water-skiing with some mates. As she slid onto the boat in her tight black skirt she announced “I’m not wearing any underwear!”

Dear Lara,

High speed boat plus skirt plus no undies equals POSSIBLE lady parts flashing.

Your friend,

Em x

Not to worry, soon we had some super slow-mo shots of Lara water-skiing in a bikini and leather-look wetsuit looking hot, healthy and impressively coordinated!

Time to head back to Shazza’s house for a nice supportive dinner. Oh dear…

This whole scene took me back, way back, to an uncomfortable time where I wore a LOT of wine coloured “Poppy lipstick” and my Mother would wait until dinner to “go me” for my poor behaviour.

Shazza has a go at Lara for the nude photo SCANDAL that had gone down in last week’s episode. Lara had wandered over to the window in her apartment sans clothes and some opportunistic pap took a shot. Lara explained that she didn’t mean for it to happen. Shazza lost it.

THEN came the phone call from the friend who had driven Lara up to Shazza’s house in Lara’s car. The police had pulled her over and impounded the car, as no-one was supposed to be driving it while Lara’s license was under review. Lara again said she had NO IDEA that was the case.

This sent Shazza into MELTDOWN.

She said two things.

1. You need to open your mail.

2. Glass is SEE THROUGH.

Word Shazza. Freaking word.

Lara then called her brother, as Shazza was in mid lecture to try and distract her – this fired Shazza up even more.

“How rude, you are so immature and rude.”

Josh finally arrived and they sat down to an awkward family dinner.

Lara said, “Mum you are supposed to support your child” to which Shazza responded “Lara, I will correct you on something. You are not a child.”

BOOM Shazza. Boomtown. More fighting ensued and finally Shazza kicked Lara out of the house.

I worry for Lara, I worry for her mother, I worry for her grandmother. I worry for the women of Sydney that are in danger of falling under Josh Bingle’s spell. I worry for my darling Max (BFF/MA/HD/S/FG) who is probably sitting in his house that smells of fresh laundry and French cologne, crying over Lara’s objections to smokey brown eye shadow and Hermoine, who I suspect may have a doll of Lara that she yells at and sticks things into during darker moments.

What will episode 3 bring?!

Em Rusciano appears on Network Ten’s ’The Project’, she also  regularly hosts The Circle. You should follow her on Twitter here and take a look at her website here.

Are you watching ‘Being Lara Bingle’? Like Em, are you worried about Lara and her family of characters?

Note: Please remember our dinner party rules and lay off the bitchy comments. Imagine Lara’s reading this post and the comments, and bear that in mind when you choose to say something. Any nasty, rude or offensive comments about Lara will be deleted. Be kind. Thanks.