'I was terrified to leave my baby's father. One question made me walk away for good.'

Belle* had been friends with Jared* for three years before things turned romantic. She knew him as a "lovely" guy, and was excited to build their future together.

"I think because I'd been friends with him for so long, I hadn't seen his darker side," Belle told Mamamia.

Their relationship progressed quickly and, within six months, they decided to try for a baby. At the time, Belle didn't realise the reality she was navigating.

"We had a pretty good relationship. Well, actually, in hindsight, it was not so great. There were some controlling behaviours that increased," Belle said.

"He wouldn't want me to go on holidays with friends of mine. He kept saying things like, 'Why do you need to spend Christmas with your family? You're not a child?' He made me feel like I was strange for all these things."

Watch: But Are You Happy host Dr Anastasia Hronis on toxic relationships. Post continues after video.

She continued: "He was also isolating me from all my family and friends. We had moved interstate together, and if I spoke to my family or my friends at all, he'd be like, 'You just spoke to your family a few days ago, why do you need to speak to them again?' Or if I'd have coffee with a friend, he'd be like, 'You just saw that friend a week ago, why do you need to see them again?'."

Belle "didn't make sense of the emotional abuse" until later. And, over time, she would simply acquiesce to avoid conflict.

"I didn't want to put myself in situations that were just going to lead to arguments. So you end up pulling back and going, it's not worth it because then we're just gonna have a huge fight; it's just easier to not go there."

While Belle looked past Jared's behaviour, not recognising it for the manipulation it was, there was one incident she couldn't forgive.

It came two weeks into her new job in a very male-dominated industry. One night, she and her colleagues were heading out for drinks to celebrate signing a new client.

"I told him that I was going to be home a little bit later, I was just going to have a quick drink at this bar after work, and that was kind of expected of me," Belle recalled.

"And he turned up at these drinks and was like, 'What are you doing?' Totally embarrassing me. I was absolutely mortified because I wasn't doing anything apart from being social in a professional environment. I was just like, I can't have him destroying my career. This is really embarrassing."

From that moment, Belle knew that she needed to make a big decision.

"I just went, 'Okay, this is not normal behaviour, this isn't healthy. I've got to get out of this relationship."

But two weeks after making the life-changing decision, she took a pregnancy test. It was positive. 

"I discovered that I was pregnant, so that's when I was like, 'Okay, I have to try and make this work'," Belle told Mamamia. "I was really terrified of becoming a single mother, I was just like, this is not how my life was supposed to turn out, I'm not meant to be pregnant and single, I have to try and make this work."

Over the next nine months, Belle would come to realise just how manipulative her ex could be.

"The pregnancy was very tumultuous, because I had more insight into how toxic and emotionally abusive the relationship was," she said.

"It was very emotionally stressful, because I knew that I shouldn't be with him. Our relationship was so bad, and we really had nothing in common. We were two very, very different people."

They would break up. Then get back together. Then break up again. Then get back together.

"This happened a few times, and each time I'd be like, 'I just can't be single like this, I can't bring my baby into the world as a single mother'. I thought it was such a bad thing for her. At the time, I didn't realise that it would have been much worse for her, for me to stay. I thought that this poor baby needed both her parents together."

At one stage, Belle even hired removalists and found a new place to live, adamant to make the next breakup stick. 

"Even then, I was like, 'No, I can't do it. I have to get back together with him.'"

When their baby girl finally arrived, a new set of challenges arose.

"He wouldn't let me pick up our newborn baby if she was crying," Belle said. "I was like, 'Of course, I'm going to pick her up'. And he's like, 'No, she's going to learn how to be spoiled, you can't do that'. And he'd actually position himself as a barrier between me and the baby so I couldn't pick her up."

Six weeks after she was born, Jared insisted their daughter was old enough to sleep in a separate room. But Belle refused. 

"I was like, 'That's not happening, I want her in the bassinet next to me'. I think having the baby made it more obvious about how many differences we had when it came to parenting and family."

When Jared would travel for work, Belle would ask for money for groceries. But he would refuse.

"He'd be like, 'No, but I'll take you to the supermarket so you can buy things before I go'. It's like he didn't want me to leave me any money because he didn't want me to have any freedom to do anything."

Then, one conversation changed everything.

"When I was pregnant, we were seeing a counsellor together to try to work out our relationship, and we continued to see that counsellor after our baby was born," Belle explained.

"I remember we were trying to negotiate how often I was allowed to fly back to my hometown to see my family. He was like 'Well, I just don't see why she should go. I don't want to go'."

Belle didn't know it, but the question the counsellor asked next would alter the course of her life.

"The counsellor was like 'Well, are you okay with Belle going on her own with the baby?' And I think he said, what was fair was once every three or four months."

It was at this moment that Belle had a realisation.

"I remember sitting there thinking, 'I shouldn't have to negotiate seeing my family', I was really missing them, and I was just like, 'At what point do we just go, 'This isn't going to work'. Maybe we're just not meant to be together.' And I know counsellors are not meant to tell you what to do, but I definitely got the impression from her that I should remove myself from the relationship."

From there, all the pieces of the puzzle fell into place.

"I just kind of put everything together. I didn't want my daughter to think that what her dad and I had was normal. I didn't want her going, 'That's the kind of relationship that I need or want when I'm older', because I knew it was so toxic, and I wanted to be a good role model for her.

"And I think because of the emotional abuse, I had really lost myself. I was quite a shell of who I used to be, and I didn't want her to have that version of me as a mum."

Belle broke up with Jared for good when their daughter was three months old.

"He was quite nonchalant about it. He was like, 'Fine, whatever, you can go, and I don't want to see you again. That's fine'."

For the next few months, the parents worked with the same counsellor to figure out a co-parenting plan, which would involve Belle moving back to her home state. 

"We came up with this plan and I don't think he really thought too much about it, to be honest. Because when moving day came around, he was like, 'What are you doing?' And I was like, 'I'm moving, this is what we've been planning'. He seemed kind of surprised about it. I think he was just maybe in denial."

When Belle pulled the trigger and left, her daughter was about six months old, and Jared wasn't happy.

"He didn't speak to me or our daughter until she was one, he just kind of dropped out of the picture."

In this time, Belle had to face her biggest fear; being a single mother. 

"It was very, very hard, because no one I knew was a single mum at all, especially with a newborn. So I felt very, very alone," she told Mamamia. 

"And there are a lot of things that you have to handle on your own. I think I was in a bit of a state of shock and survival, because, now I go, how did I do that? I moved interstate on my own with this baby, found somewhere for us to live, took care of everything myself financially, didn't have anyone to help me parent. I don't think you know it's inside you until you just have to do it."  

That was 12 years ago. And things with Belle's ex have "been up and down" since.

Jared used to see his daughter every school holidays, but that tradition dropped off around 2020.

"He currently is not involved. He hasn't seen my daughter in probably a year. He comes and goes as he wants, to be honest. He is not very active on the parenting front, he doesn't really contact my daughter that often," Belle said.

"In the past, my daughter would be like, 'Why isn't he calling me?' And I'd be like, he's just busy at work, and I'd be trying to protect her. But now she's at an age where she's like 'How long does it take to send a text?' And I'm like, 'Yeah, you're right, you deserve a lot better.' At the same time, I don't know how he was parented, so maybe this is normal for him."

Belle has since met a new man. They got married in 2022 and now share a five-month-old baby, a little boy. 

"It's so weird looking at him, because he's the same age now that my daughter was when I was all alone with her," she said. 

"My husband is an amazing stepfather and father figure for my daughter. He's really, really great."

Despite the tumultuous decade, Belle has "no regrets".

"My daughter asks me that a lot. She says, 'Do you ever wish you hadn't met dad?' And I say, 'No way'. Then I wouldn't have had her, and she's been the absolute light of my life.

"We've been through so much together, and she's an incredible, strong, confident, resilient, 12-year-old. I'm super proud of her. I also know that she wouldn't be who she is if we hadn't been on this journey together."

*Names have been changed for privacy reasons.

Feature Image: Getty (Stock photo for illustrative purposes only)