There are four words that a woman who dated a narcissist will never escape.

When Jane* ended her almost-decade-long abusive relationship, she hopped on a plane to Australia with a working holiday visa, ready for a fresh start. That's when she met a different man.

"I went to a bar, met a boy, and from the get-go, he love-bombed me," Jane told Mamamia. "He was all over me, paying me loads of compliments, giving me loads of attention. And I just fell head-over-heels, because I was like, 'Oh my God, someone finally sees me, someone loves me. He's not going to hurt me.'"

It didn't take long for the red flags to pop up, but it wasn't until later that Jane realised she was dating a "textbook narcissist".

Watch: Signs you're dating a narcissist. Post continues below.

"He had very possessive, controlling behaviour," she explained. "If we were out at a bar, he didn't like me talking to any other men, or he wanted to make sure he knew where I was."

When Jane returned to the UK temporarily, the possessiveness continued long-distance.

"I had to pick up the phone when he called. But if I called him, he never answered," she said. "He forced me to send him kind of sexual content because he kept saying he needed that to tide him over. If I said anything on the phone he didn't like, he would hang up on me, not speak to me for days."

For Jane, the relationship followed a cycle of love and punishment that kept her hoping things would improve.

"If he felt lonely or down, he'd be all over me. He had these patterns. Certain days, I just knew he would be out drinking and coming home in a state. I didn't sleep very well because he would burst in at 3am or 4am and accuse me of having someone there, but I hadn't left the house."

Psychotherapist Kelly Anne Mitchell told Mamamia how narcissists typically control their partners through "intermittent reinforcement".

"These are behaviours that oscillate between affection and abuse, causing trauma and confusion in the experiencer," she said.

"It creates a psychological and physiological attachment (trauma bonding), where the 'victim' becomes addicted to potential, because of the 'good' that co-exists even when they feel/know something is wrong."

Jane felt this 'addiction to potential' deeply.

"The moments where he was nice to me were just so wonderful. And I was like, 'Well, I just need to get more of these. I just need to not mess up.' I just kept thinking, 'It'll go back to the way it was when I first met him.' But obviously, it never did."

Slowly but surely, Jane's partner began to erode her self-worth and change her perception of reality — which Mitchell says is a common trait of narcissism.

"He accused me of flirting," Jane said. "He'd drive out of bars and say, I'm gonna make you watch the CCTV, because you're such a whore. To the point where I was like, 'Am I? Am I a flirt?'"

It was methodical and insidious. After another night out, Jane's partner demanded that she quit drinking and attend therapy.

"He said I was so messed up in the head, and I was humiliating him. He said he built his whole life here, and he couldn't date someone who was such a disgrace. So I did. I went to therapy; I quit drinking."

Then came the isolation.

"I was only allowed to see certain people that he was happy with," Jane said. "I worked from home, so I was completely isolated. He wouldn't let me get the COVID jab, so I couldn't leave the house. He installed cameras so he could keep an eye on me."

Amanda Robins, a psychotherapist who specialises in narcissists, confirmed to Mamamia that narcissists try to control their partner through behaviour such as checking their phone or emails, and putting hidden cameras around the house.

"They can often become angry or abusive if their partner tries to pursue friendships or even see their family," she added.

As Jane's situation worsened, she began to confide in the few people she was allowed to see; her sister and a friend. While they were supportive, they couldn't understand why she stayed.

"My sister is very sweet and was like, 'I'll help you, I'll get you out,'" Jane remembered. "My other friend was kind of like, 'Well, why don't you just leave and go to England and start your life again?' But they didn't understand."

Jane's experience mirrors that of many women, including Cassie Ventura, who recently came forward with allegations of abuse against Sean "Diddy" Combs. Both women have faced the same damaging four-word question: "Why didn't you leave?"

Psychotherapist Mitchell explained why this question is so harmful: "It implies that the person is at fault and does not acknowledge the role trauma and abuse has played," she said.

"The abuse can change people's perceptions of reality, and the psychological, emotional, and social landscape has become altered. It can create a sense of shame and may prevent the person from continuing to share (and therefore heal from their experience)."

As the abuse escalated, Jane's mental health deteriorated dramatically.

"The silent treatment would go from a few hours to, by the end of it, weeks on end," she recalled. "He just refused to speak to me in the house, and I just stopped eating."

The situation became so unbearable that Jane eventually reached a breaking point: "I remember begging him to hit me because I just wanted to say something, and he said no, because he knew that it would leave a mark, and he was too clever for that."

When Jane finally reached out to Lifeline, they connected her with support services. "They spoke to me on the phone for an hour, and at the end of it, they said, 'We understand he has not hit you yet, but the abuse you're describing is escalating, and if you do not leave, we are pretty certain that you will not be on this planet much longer.'"

Initially, Jane didn't believe them. But as the situation worsened, she called back: "A few weeks later, nothing got better, and it got even worse, to be honest. And I just rang and said, 'What do I do?' And they helped me. He went to work one night, and I packed up as much as I could, and they put me in emergency housing."

In the next 10 months, Jane would move nine times to ensure he couldn't find her. During that time, she began her healing process, but it wasn't easy.

Psychotherapist Robins explained how things like shame often persist after survivors leave.

"Victims do often blame themselves, depending on their family of origin experiences. Many victims feel ashamed that they have ended up in such a difficult situation — they should have known better, how could they let themselves be abused like this, why didn't they recognise sooner," she said.

This is exacerbated by narcissists who "blame and shame their partners to avoid taking responsibility themselves".

"They project their own feelings of inadequacy and inner destructiveness onto others, creating drama and causing pain to those closest to them. A partner who has been continuously blamed and shamed will eventually start to blame themselves."

Three and a half years later, Jane has managed to rebuild her life. She now has her own apartment and podcast and, through her story, is helping other women.

According to Robins, "healing generally involves learning to reground oneself and pursuing one's own interests. It's a process of becoming more self-directed and finding out what gives you joy. Self-awareness is key."

As for friends and family who are quick to ask the "Why didn't you leave" question to victims of narcissistic abuse, Mitchell recommends tackling things a different way.

"If they haven't left, don't rush them, it's a process. If they are alluding to leaving, ask if they need help to make a plan," said the psychotherapist.

"Believe them and support them," she emphasised. "Validate their experience, be curious about the journey, their pain and conflict inside of it. They can ask what helped them survive, what made it hard to leave and where they needed help but didn't have it."

Jane leaves us with a powerful reminder: "It's so easy to be an outsider and comment on something you just don't understand. The big thing is educating yourself. Women are dying every day in this country because people aren't educating themselves.

"We need to educate and basically stop this happening," she concluded, "because how many more women have to die before anything changes?"

Feature Image: Getty

Jane* is known to Mamamia but has asked to remain anonymous for privacy reasons.

If you or anyone you know needs to speak with an expert, please contact 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732) — the National Sexual Assault, Domestic and Family Violence Counselling Service. If you are in immediate danger, call 000.

Mamamia is a charity partner of RizeUp Australia, a Queensland-based organisation that helps women and families move on after the devastation of domestic violence. If you would like to support their mission to deliver life-changing and practical support to these families when they need it most, you can donate here. You can also donate to their Christmas Appeal here.