Every clue that Kylie Jenner is not actually getting married and is making a fool of you.

No.

Let me save you all some time by saying that this is indeed the right response to any deep-thinkers out there who are currently trapped in an endless Google hole attempting to determine if one Kylie Kristen Jenner is about to enter into holy matrimony.

Kylie, of course, is a universally recognised public figure, proven by the fact that I didn’t actually need to look-up her middle name before inserting it into the opening paragraphs of this story. It had just somehow wormed its way into my mind and soul via that fact that she and her reality TV family take up a whole lot of space on our screens with Keeping Up With The Kardashians. Coupled with the fact that Kylie, as the world’s youngest (and most questionable) self-made billionaire, takes up a lot of social media real estate with her lip kit empire promos.

This week, the world went into a spin thanks to a collation of Instagram posts and paparazzi captured photos that made it look like the 21-year-old reality star and the father of her one-year-old daughter Stormi (actual name) Travis Scott were about to throw a surprise lavish wedding ceremony.

The Spill is Mamamia’s daily entertainment and pop culture podcast. On this episode hosts, Laura Brodnik and Kee Reece break down all the “clues” that Kylie Jenner is getting married and why it’s all a calculated publicity ploy. 

The first clue came about in the form of Kylie Jenner posting a video to her Instagram account earlier this week showing the entire lower floor of her gargantuan mansion covered in a sea of red rose petals.

The scene, which was hauntingly reminiscent of that iconic moment from horror flick The Shining, where a literal wave of blood cascades down the hallway of a haunted hotel, was accompanied by excited squealing from Kylie as her toddler Stormi (actual name) struggled not to sink beneath the ripped flower corpses as she tried to make her way to safety within the walls of her own home.

While the child struggled for survival, Kylie gave her millions of Insta followers a peek at the card from Travis, which included the phrase “We’re just getting started, love you!”. This led fans to believe that this tango with potential death by rose petal was not, in fact, a lead up into her 22nd birthday celebrations, but rather a hint of the wedding to come.

But if you cast your mind back to Valentine’s Day of this year, and the antics of her sister Kim Kardashian and her husband Kanye West, you’ll see that this is less about romance and more about knowing when to show up for the ‘gram.

The Kardashian-Wests had Kenny G trapped in their home via a force field of singular roses on V Day and that wasn’t any kind of big announcement or statement, just a reminder that sometimes the things you write down in your dream journal shouldn’t actually make their way into reality.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

My house is covered in ROSES! @travisscott and it’s not even my birthday yet!!!!! Omg ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️????????????????

A post shared by Kylie ✨ (@kyliejenner) on Aug 5, 2019 at 1:37pm PDT

Then, of course, there was the biggest clue of all, in the form of TMZ taking photos of Kylie Jenner boarding a private plane to an exotic location with an item that looked exactly like a wedding dress.

While crossing the tarmac Tuesday afternoon at the Van Nuys Airport, one of her minions was seen carrying a garment bag with the tail end of a white, feathered gown cascading out for any and all to see.

In the worker’s other hand there appeared to be clutched a wedding appropriate tuxedo.

But here’s the thing about this so-called ‘wedding evidence’, Kylie Jenner has grown up in the world of cameras, Instagram reveals and publicity stunts and there’s nothing that she would slip up releasing unless it was all part of a bigger master plan to promote her show and products.

Let’s not forget that this is the woman who grew an actual human being inside her without (mostly) letting the world know until she was ready to release all the details via a highly curated video.

It should also be noted, and I do hate that I know this but I am merely a product of the world we live in after all, that the Kardashian-Jenner family have a very calculated way of leveraging their personal life moments for both brand and financial benefit.

Firstly, if something like a wedding was on the cards, they would share curated images and stories to their social media accounts and follow up these reveals with carefully placed interviews and news items distributed through E! via their longtime commercial partnership.

It would then not be until the next season of Keeping Up With The Kardashians that actual footage from the event and the confessional “interviews” would be shown.

This strategy ensures that they get two juicy bites of the publicity cherry and it allows them a ‘do-over’ of sorts. By airing the footage on their show, they have time to sit back and assess the public reaction to their lives and then add to and subtract from the storylines as needed to get their side of the story out, in the most polished and ratings friendly way.

In conclusion, feel free to hug your loved ones close tonight and fall asleep knowing that we now live in a world not plagued with the anguish over whether or not Kylie Jenner is getting married.

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