'I wrote Kylie Jenner’s resignation letter for her.'

Kylie Jenner has been through enough.

The first time the world laid eyes on that girl, she was twirling around a stripper pole at the age of 10, while a camera crew surrounded her with a ferocity usually reserved for influencers who spot an opening on the media wall.

(What's actually more disturbing than some innocent pole dancing fun is that she performed this stunt in the presence of the woman who tried to steal The Pussycat Dolls from Nicole Scherzinger. Being young enough to still believe in the tooth fairy does not excuse you for not knowing where your pop music loyalty should lie, young lady.)

Since that moment, we've watched her go through a series of public traumas, including, but not limited to, that time Forbes initiated a good old-fashioned witch hunt over her self-made billionaire title (a title they bestowed upon her in the first place — facts are rarely fun when burning people at the stake) or the moment where the father of her two children forgot the names of her beloved dogs (and potentially her name as well) during an interview designed to showcase their everlasting love.

For anyone who has so much as glimpsed an episode of The Kardashians, it has become very clear that Kylie Jenner has quiet quit, yet she has clearly failed to send in a formal resignation.

So in the spirit of protecting a young woman who has lipliner to apply and an empire to run, I've written it on her behalf.

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Dear Hulu executives and the Kris Jenner assistant who is not currently on unpaid stress leave.

Kylie Kristen Jenner would like to formally resign from the televised brand control exercise known as The Kardashians.

As it is abundantly clear that Miss Jenner has already stepped back from her role in the series — a fact that was highlighted in the vacant expression in her eyes during the recent season six premiere — this letter feels somewhat redundant. Much like the pretence that Kim Kardashian's pets are all living healthy and fulfilled lives after continuously disappearing from public view.

Nevertheless, it is becoming increasingly difficult for Miss Jenner to continue filming the series, as she wishes for the public to have no access to her private life in any context. While initially Miss Jenner believed it would be possible to sustain a reality TV career without allowing any aspect of her reality to be captured on camera, a heated debate in a family group chat labelled 'Not Kourtney and Not Admitting To Promoting Unrealistic Beauty Standards' has convinced her otherwise.

In defence of Miss Jenner, she has attempted to partake in some of the major story lines over the six seasons of The Kardashians she has allegedly been part of, yet they have never come to fruition in the final edit.

We would like to draw your attention to the episode where Miss Jenner agreed (under duress) to go on the family trip to Aspen — the yearly pilgrimage to a luxurious location so that the family can pretend to bond and fulfil two episodes of their contractual agreement (without having to address whatever rumours are in circulation at the time).

On the trip in question, Miss Jenner clearly waited for the cameras to find her, before announcing that she had a terrible feeling about the plane and its planned journey. Shortly thereafter, she disembarked and pulled her (apparently empty) bags from the plane.

Now, Miss Jenner did not publicly leave members of her family to die, but rather, expressed genuine concern for the plane and the journey ahead — only for it to carry on seamlessly without her after she fled. This allowed said family members to then openly dissect her behaviour in an unfavourable manner for the remainder of the episode. Which, despite her Final Destination behaviour towards them, left her feeling deeply unappreciated.

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This has resulted in Miss Jenner only being involved in sporadic B-plot storylines on The Kardashains in recent seasons. Such as plotting, and then failing, to prank Kris Jenner's dog and pretending to befriend a co-star she clearly has nothing in common with and has potentially never met (she is listed on the cast list under the name 'Kendall Jenner').

Now, Miss Jenner does realise that her family are in need of a filming buffer when their own lives become overcomplicated. Such as, when Khloé Kardashian speaks about the toll that fame has taken on her mental health, before Kris Jenner jump scares her with a peacock, or when there is a surprise lunch with Martha Stewart with a subpar tablescape. As an example.

Or when Kimberly Kardashian was forced to partake in a public protest against the arts, under the command of her overlord (viewers will know her by the name 'North West') by staging a coup behind the scenes of The Lion King's anniversary concert and securing her daughter the role of a poor man's Simba.

We do understand that this letter will cause some duress for production, as Miss Jenner's life is currently the most enticing of the family members to the general public, and would therefore make for excellent television.

As you will be aware, Miss Jenner is currently in a long-term relationship with Timothée Chalamet, but prefers to keep their relationship private. (For your records, his first name is indeed pronounced 'Tim-O-Tay', but as he never introduced himself as such. Thus, the world cannot be held accountable for calling him the much more pedestrian sounding 'Timothy', a move he now deeply regrets after initially messing up the age-old and highly complex question 'what is your name?').

She is aware that people would happily overlook the continued use of her private plane, gazing up from the ground below as the paper straws in their cups disintegrate at the very thought of being touched, in order to catch so much as a glimpse of her new lifestyle.

Miss Jenner is all too aware that viewers would love to see her secretly slip into premieres and after parties to celebrate Tim-O-Tay's new movies, or draw the wrath of Taylor Swift and Selena Gomez (and by extension Meryl Streep) at the Golden Globes by not permitting pictures to be taken with her new plus one. Instead, she prefers to gaze at Tim-O-Tay lovingly as he gallops around events like a newborn horse, unsure of what is happening, but delighted to be nuzzled.

Miss Jenner is currently in a long-term relationship with Timothée Chalamet. Image: Getty

The good news, however, is that for an appearance fee, Miss Jenner is willing to allow her likeness to appear in upcoming episodes of The Kardashians. After all, she has had great success with this plan in the past.

If you turn your mind back to the season one premiere of The Kardashains, Miss Jenner was able to convince fans that she attended the event, despite never leaving the confines of her car-filled compound. No one was the wiser when she was the only family member said to be present at the event who was not included in the group photographs. Nor could she be spied in any of the 137 official premiere photos that were uploaded to Getty Images that night. No media or fans raised an eyebrow after the only photos released of Miss Jenner at the event were taken within her own home.

We take this level of privacy around Miss Jenner's actions very seriously, and we can assure you that no one involved in the premiere cover-up will be coming forward to reveal the truth. Anyone with knowledge of this event is now buried under the cactus garden in Kris Jenner's Palm Springs home, next to the bodies of the people who green-lit Kendall Jenner's Pepsi commercial.

In conclusion, Miss Jenner wishes her former family and business partners all the best, but in this season of her life, she has realised that her wealth and relevancy are no longer tied to the show, and therefore she must depart.

Season six of The Kardashians is now streaming on Disney+. New episodes drop weekly.

Laura Brodnik is Mamamia's Head of Entertainment and host of The Spill podcast. You can follow her on Instagram here for more entertainment news and recommendations.

Feature image: Getty.