Um.
Kim K appears to have dipped her body in a vat of silver paint for a night out with her sisters.
How… festive.
No but seriously, they’re pants, very, very tight pants, and they’re making our vaginas hurt just looking at them.
But also: she looks like a sexy, matte, lady-shaped baked potato and…how?
Obviously we have thoughts, questions, feelings and concerns:
We don't think we'll ever truly know the answer to this, so here's a theory:
There's someone on the Kardashian payroll whose job is solely to help Kim shimmy her way into incredibly tight clothing. Like a human shoe horn.
They live in the back of Kim's closet and they sleep hanging upside down like a bat, and when she wants to wear something particularly tight she rings a little bell and they emerge to fulfil their duty (after they've adjusted to the light, of course).
They put on some Enya and Kim does some breathing exercises. There's a smudging ceremony and they hold hands for a while until Kim feels calm and ready.
Sometimes, Kim has to lay down on the bed for the sacred pants pulling, but mostly she just has to do that awkward leg-bum wiggle we do when our jeans are freshly washed while the human shoe horn does some very vigorous yanking all while soothing Kim by telling her to "breaaaaathe".
Once Kim's strapped in and ready to go she tosses the shoe horn a little piece of cheese and they scurry back into the closet to rest their arm muscles before the next job.
The shoe horn might also be Gollum.
...But seriously, how?
If you study the image below closely, you will see that the outfit clings very nicely to her bod but does not outline her vagina.
There is only a slight hint of a camel toe, but it appears to be just how the fabric has wrinkled as she stands, which doesn't seem...right.
Look, we're not saying the Kardashians are witches, but I mean...
How does she pee?
(Is the pants-pulling Gollum waiting in the car for wee-related emergencies?)
How does she walk?
(Without waddling and/or tearing the pants in the butt crack region?)
How does she sit?
(Without exploding out of them?)
And how does she breathe?
Srsly.
Sometimes, tight, high-waisted items of clothing give us the illusion of having a FUPA, or "fat upper pubic area", which is fun.
It's something about the way tight pants pull in your belly fat and push it down towards your vag, making it look like one, big smooth mound sitting nicely under your top "mound" (muffin top) and bottom "mound" (bum).
For me, it often creates what I like to call a "caterpillar bod":
Look, we're not complaining - caterpillars are great and Beyonce says she has a FUPA, too.
But Kim, where is yours?
Nothing about these pants look comfortable, we are concerned.
Are you K?
Are they built-in?
Were they designed by an engineer?
Look, the questions are never-ending, but the most important of all remains:
How does she look so good in them?
It's one of the world's many mysteries.
